I'm going to keep this post vague; if you know what I'm talking about, smile to yourself and keep it to yourself :) Otherwise, just take it that I'm rambling (what's new?) :)
It feels like I've reached a sort of impasse. There appears to be two different threads tugging at my heart, and each seem to have its own direction to go.
Now, don't ask me which one I prefer... obviously, both are equally appealing, therefore, the impasse.
Thing is: I now feel that perhaps the way to go is the oft-hidden 3rd option - to do neither. And yes, I can hear you say that there is the 4th option, which is to do both.
Truth is, I have been doing both, and for a very very long time. I am not sure if this is something I want to continue, with my feelings about each aside, it is just very tiring.
Maybe I'm burnt out, that's why I'm having such unstable thoughts... I've been on high gear since the start of the year (and I didn't mention WHICH year!) and I guess I'm pretty much maxed out (which seems to be my natural state)...
I like what I do... and I want to keep doing what I do... perhaps my expectations have increased (on the quiet)... do I really expect more now?
And you know I am referring to expectations of others. My expectations for myself have always been... astronomical. Which is fine, because I'm the only one doing it...
Ok... I'm totally mind blocked on this one. I shall go sleep on it, and see if anything pops up :)
This is a totally dumb post. Dont' read it.
aw
Friday, September 7, 2012
Friday, August 31, 2012
Doubts: Healthy or Crippling?
Doubts. The quintessential stumbling blocks. They are, to me, one of those this that you can't live with yet can't live without.
I personally do not like doubts. For all the classic reasons. I feel unsure, insecure. I am afraid of making a mistake (or of having made one already).
The quality of doubt is the absence of more complete information, and that moving in the dark, eyes unseeing, hands outstretched, reaching forward for something that may and may not be there, is perturbing, to say the least. It creates a fair amount of stress, and coupled with an OCD-driven mind, can be quite taxing.
The frequency of doubts is also an interesting aspect to consider. One would think that as one progresses in life, doubts would reduce as more information is gained. However, I submit that this is only true of theoratical and academic knowledge (ie: I have less doubts using Photoshop now than before). However, when it comes to things like decisions, motivation, purpose... Doubts are as freshly available as ever.
I frequently question how I teach and the methods I use with my students. After every lesson, I almost subconsciously deconstruct what had transpired and examine for learning points. I often query the efficiency of the activities, from what was taught to how it was taught, from what was discussed to how the discussion proceeded. Even the things I said, the 'how's and the 'why's come under scrutiny.
As if this is not sufficient food for thought, I begin to think about whether such a line of enquiry is efficient and beneficial! Talk about knots! :)
After years of such wrangling, I come to the conclusion that, while doubts are very irritating, frustrating and generally a pain in the ass, they are in fact, very necessary. They help me to rationalise my actions, allows me to consider multiple points of view, and to reflect upon my motives behind my actions.
So here I am, 34 years young, and still doubting :)
aw
I personally do not like doubts. For all the classic reasons. I feel unsure, insecure. I am afraid of making a mistake (or of having made one already).
The quality of doubt is the absence of more complete information, and that moving in the dark, eyes unseeing, hands outstretched, reaching forward for something that may and may not be there, is perturbing, to say the least. It creates a fair amount of stress, and coupled with an OCD-driven mind, can be quite taxing.
The frequency of doubts is also an interesting aspect to consider. One would think that as one progresses in life, doubts would reduce as more information is gained. However, I submit that this is only true of theoratical and academic knowledge (ie: I have less doubts using Photoshop now than before). However, when it comes to things like decisions, motivation, purpose... Doubts are as freshly available as ever.
I frequently question how I teach and the methods I use with my students. After every lesson, I almost subconsciously deconstruct what had transpired and examine for learning points. I often query the efficiency of the activities, from what was taught to how it was taught, from what was discussed to how the discussion proceeded. Even the things I said, the 'how's and the 'why's come under scrutiny.
As if this is not sufficient food for thought, I begin to think about whether such a line of enquiry is efficient and beneficial! Talk about knots! :)
After years of such wrangling, I come to the conclusion that, while doubts are very irritating, frustrating and generally a pain in the ass, they are in fact, very necessary. They help me to rationalise my actions, allows me to consider multiple points of view, and to reflect upon my motives behind my actions.
So here I am, 34 years young, and still doubting :)
aw
Saturday, June 9, 2012
OCD
The recent event concerning a 25 year-old man pushing a 76 year-old woman off a bus has set me thinking. And not in the way one would imagine...
I mean, yes, of course I'm duly disturbed that such a travesty of respect could happen in so public a place, in so Asian a society such as ours. However, my mind was (soon) drawn towards something the man in question said (in written form) in his own defence, which was (among other illnesses) that he suffered from OCD.
It's been years since I have heard the term "OCD", which is the abbreviation for "obsessive-compulsive disorder". It has quietly slipped my mind; I'm unsure if it was due to its lack of relevance (perceived or otherwise), or to a subconscious attempt to subvert an uncomfortable truth.
It matters not. The point of the matter is that it is (once again) salient in my mind.
Taking a look at my life at the moment, through the OCD-tinted lenses, I can (to my surprise) attribute a number of characteristics to OCD.
For example, I am constantly in a state of movement. I can't sit still to save my life! I'm always shaking my feet or playing imaginary keys on my imaginary keyboard. Sure I know there isn't a keyboard there, but the music is in my head... Geez! I'm started to sound unhinged!
Another example would be my total and complete preoccupation with something. Be it my job, my music, my students... I always seem to be completely consumed by them! I can't disconnect from them, and they "haunt" me persistently, to the point of insomnia.
I'm frequently (make that practically always) hyper; I'm more than averagely meticulous, and am fastidious to a fault. I am overly-focussed on the things I'm doing, frequently to the ignorance of the people around me.
Yes, I have been diagnosed with mild OCD (this was perhaps 15 odd years back) but was never medicated. No one seemed to think it was anything, and because they didn't, neither did I.
I guess I'm thinking about this at length is because I seem to have integrated OCD into my modus operandi; in a way, it became part of how I did and do things. I am always focussed on my tasks, I use my (if I may say so humbly) immense energy to achieving my objectives, I always think very broadly... I just never attributed these qualities to OCD.
So far, all I've mentioned are the good things. There are of course not-so-good things. For all the reasons above, I think people find me eccentric, unusual, and perhaps a tad too energetic (I have people saying that they are nervous around me, simply because I'm a ball of energy). And maybe that's why my relationships don't last for very long. Despite my ability to focus on a single task, once the task stretches on indefinitely, I seem to lose that focus. I seem to need a definite start and end to things, and that really isn't a good foundation for a relationship.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining :) I am very blessed to be where I am, with what I have :) These are just my reflections of late, regarding a part of myself that I have perhaps neglected to account for. It does seem that we learn more about ourselves each day, even if it means re-visiting the past.
aw
I mean, yes, of course I'm duly disturbed that such a travesty of respect could happen in so public a place, in so Asian a society such as ours. However, my mind was (soon) drawn towards something the man in question said (in written form) in his own defence, which was (among other illnesses) that he suffered from OCD.
It's been years since I have heard the term "OCD", which is the abbreviation for "obsessive-compulsive disorder". It has quietly slipped my mind; I'm unsure if it was due to its lack of relevance (perceived or otherwise), or to a subconscious attempt to subvert an uncomfortable truth.
It matters not. The point of the matter is that it is (once again) salient in my mind.
Taking a look at my life at the moment, through the OCD-tinted lenses, I can (to my surprise) attribute a number of characteristics to OCD.
For example, I am constantly in a state of movement. I can't sit still to save my life! I'm always shaking my feet or playing imaginary keys on my imaginary keyboard. Sure I know there isn't a keyboard there, but the music is in my head... Geez! I'm started to sound unhinged!
Another example would be my total and complete preoccupation with something. Be it my job, my music, my students... I always seem to be completely consumed by them! I can't disconnect from them, and they "haunt" me persistently, to the point of insomnia.
I'm frequently (make that practically always) hyper; I'm more than averagely meticulous, and am fastidious to a fault. I am overly-focussed on the things I'm doing, frequently to the ignorance of the people around me.
Yes, I have been diagnosed with mild OCD (this was perhaps 15 odd years back) but was never medicated. No one seemed to think it was anything, and because they didn't, neither did I.
I guess I'm thinking about this at length is because I seem to have integrated OCD into my modus operandi; in a way, it became part of how I did and do things. I am always focussed on my tasks, I use my (if I may say so humbly) immense energy to achieving my objectives, I always think very broadly... I just never attributed these qualities to OCD.
So far, all I've mentioned are the good things. There are of course not-so-good things. For all the reasons above, I think people find me eccentric, unusual, and perhaps a tad too energetic (I have people saying that they are nervous around me, simply because I'm a ball of energy). And maybe that's why my relationships don't last for very long. Despite my ability to focus on a single task, once the task stretches on indefinitely, I seem to lose that focus. I seem to need a definite start and end to things, and that really isn't a good foundation for a relationship.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining :) I am very blessed to be where I am, with what I have :) These are just my reflections of late, regarding a part of myself that I have perhaps neglected to account for. It does seem that we learn more about ourselves each day, even if it means re-visiting the past.
aw
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Thoughts
It's been a good three months since my last post. Obviously, I'm not one to keep updated the myriad things that happened in my life; to do so would be rather time-consuming :)
And speaking of time, it seems to me that it has become so much more elusive of late than ever. Hours, days, weeks and months seem to vanish quite mysteriously, and it is not without some amazement that I realise (again!) that it is now May. Where has the first half of the year gone? A recurring question, this.
I guess my day job has a little to do with it. It brings rather new challenges, which I quite enjoy... but new challenges also come with new stress. I think I'm still adjusting to the whole notion of what I'm doing; I mean, I'm no master at adaptation... in fact, quite the opposite. Then there are all the classes I'm (still) teaching, plus a couple of private students, and add to that, my vocal class on Saturdays... that pretty much takes everything I've got. Tough.
Same old lament: where can I find time for myself? I'm rather beyond thinking that to be self-indulgent, instead, seeing it as a necessity to personal and professional well-being. My mood and emotions have certainly taken to swinging of late, and I'm a little concerned at the duration of its stay.
I've been thinking about why I'm feeling so hay-wired, and, as with all things, I feel the reasons to be many. Yes, the job(s) definitely play a part. I mean, it's not really the job, but the expectations perhaps? "Expectations lead to disappointment"... that's what they say, isn't it? I'm not entirely sure that is wrong. I think that doing a job for a while does build up some kind of expectations (towards people) and if those expectations aren't managed (I can say with some conviction that perhaps mine are not very well-managed at this point), I feel disappointed. All very human.
I guess I expect myself to be quite above this, and to be in this state, feeling these emotions, remind me I am very much on the level with everyone else. There is no exception (it seems) from being disappointed, and I think part of that disappointment is in myself, for allowing my expectations to (again) be so elevated. Some groups of people are just not meant to be expected upon. I am unsure if this is a failing. I am disinclined to think so, but perhaps it is seasonal. Still, while understanding that in the head does precious little to ameliorate that sinking feeling in the heart that informs you (in no uncertain terms) that my expectations have (once again) been misplaced.
And so I am reminded (yet again) that I am human. Ok, got it (I think). I shall promise myself, as I have promised myself often in the past, to not place expectations upon people whose shoulders are not worthy of such. I shall be callous, and take better care of myself; the others are surely taking care of themselves. Putting oneself out on a limb is injury waiting to happen. Why shouldn't I be selfish and uncaring? Caring can be dangerous! It brings more hurt and damage than it brings joy and happiness! Surely, the choice is obvious!
Yet, History has it that I did not learn from my past mishaps. Perhaps I am constitutionally adverse to better health and happiness. Perhaps I am a masochist, who derives some form of pleasure from hurting myself. Certainly, it can be fodder for writing songs! Inspiration from injury! Not the most original thought, but one could do worse.
Rant rant rant... what's the point? Talk is cheap when it comes to people. Well... emancipation at the end of the year. I've held on this long, and made it this far... what's another five more months?
aw
And speaking of time, it seems to me that it has become so much more elusive of late than ever. Hours, days, weeks and months seem to vanish quite mysteriously, and it is not without some amazement that I realise (again!) that it is now May. Where has the first half of the year gone? A recurring question, this.
I guess my day job has a little to do with it. It brings rather new challenges, which I quite enjoy... but new challenges also come with new stress. I think I'm still adjusting to the whole notion of what I'm doing; I mean, I'm no master at adaptation... in fact, quite the opposite. Then there are all the classes I'm (still) teaching, plus a couple of private students, and add to that, my vocal class on Saturdays... that pretty much takes everything I've got. Tough.
Same old lament: where can I find time for myself? I'm rather beyond thinking that to be self-indulgent, instead, seeing it as a necessity to personal and professional well-being. My mood and emotions have certainly taken to swinging of late, and I'm a little concerned at the duration of its stay.
I've been thinking about why I'm feeling so hay-wired, and, as with all things, I feel the reasons to be many. Yes, the job(s) definitely play a part. I mean, it's not really the job, but the expectations perhaps? "Expectations lead to disappointment"... that's what they say, isn't it? I'm not entirely sure that is wrong. I think that doing a job for a while does build up some kind of expectations (towards people) and if those expectations aren't managed (I can say with some conviction that perhaps mine are not very well-managed at this point), I feel disappointed. All very human.
I guess I expect myself to be quite above this, and to be in this state, feeling these emotions, remind me I am very much on the level with everyone else. There is no exception (it seems) from being disappointed, and I think part of that disappointment is in myself, for allowing my expectations to (again) be so elevated. Some groups of people are just not meant to be expected upon. I am unsure if this is a failing. I am disinclined to think so, but perhaps it is seasonal. Still, while understanding that in the head does precious little to ameliorate that sinking feeling in the heart that informs you (in no uncertain terms) that my expectations have (once again) been misplaced.
And so I am reminded (yet again) that I am human. Ok, got it (I think). I shall promise myself, as I have promised myself often in the past, to not place expectations upon people whose shoulders are not worthy of such. I shall be callous, and take better care of myself; the others are surely taking care of themselves. Putting oneself out on a limb is injury waiting to happen. Why shouldn't I be selfish and uncaring? Caring can be dangerous! It brings more hurt and damage than it brings joy and happiness! Surely, the choice is obvious!
Yet, History has it that I did not learn from my past mishaps. Perhaps I am constitutionally adverse to better health and happiness. Perhaps I am a masochist, who derives some form of pleasure from hurting myself. Certainly, it can be fodder for writing songs! Inspiration from injury! Not the most original thought, but one could do worse.
Rant rant rant... what's the point? Talk is cheap when it comes to people. Well... emancipation at the end of the year. I've held on this long, and made it this far... what's another five more months?
aw
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The New Year...
This wasn't the first post I envisioned...
I had wanted to start off with the high points of the year gone by and go on to some aspirations for the year ahead. Instead, I'm here, fighting off an infection that landed me in hospital, and writing about the new year in February.
A classic example of "Man proposes; God disposes."
The year has certainly not turned out the way I expected. I was looking forward to a year of rest (physically). As it turned out, my 2011 "year of rest" was a pipe dream, and I didn't really get a chance to catch up with myself, which I hoped to be able to do this year.
However, a job opportunity came about which was rather too good to refuse. I'm now writing new curriculum for a primary school, that will will be deployed via smartphones. All very cutting edge, and quite up my alley :)
The work is interesting, to say the least. It gives me a unique insight into the rationale behind the development of curriculum, which is particularly helpful to me as a teacher. Having to consider the material from a student's perspective really makes me think of how students learn. It is very enlightening :)
Apart from that, I'm rather cutting back on everything else. Of course, at this particular moment, I'm feeling under the weather, primarily due to the onslaught of the antibiotics on the bacteria in my body (and making me feel terrible in the process, which is irony in the extreme). Apart from sleeping, I don't feel like doing much at all... definitely not any thinking of any sort.
I feel like I kind of owe it to myself, you know, to give myself a break. And not having done that, my body went on "vacation" arbitrarily :) Perhaps, I really should take my own advice, and take better care of myself. I know I've mentioned this often, but this recent bout has rather driven home the point.
Maybe I've gotten so used to putting other people's needs ahead of my own, I've gotten used to not acknowledging them.
Oh well... time to sleep.
aw
I had wanted to start off with the high points of the year gone by and go on to some aspirations for the year ahead. Instead, I'm here, fighting off an infection that landed me in hospital, and writing about the new year in February.
A classic example of "Man proposes; God disposes."
The year has certainly not turned out the way I expected. I was looking forward to a year of rest (physically). As it turned out, my 2011 "year of rest" was a pipe dream, and I didn't really get a chance to catch up with myself, which I hoped to be able to do this year.
However, a job opportunity came about which was rather too good to refuse. I'm now writing new curriculum for a primary school, that will will be deployed via smartphones. All very cutting edge, and quite up my alley :)
The work is interesting, to say the least. It gives me a unique insight into the rationale behind the development of curriculum, which is particularly helpful to me as a teacher. Having to consider the material from a student's perspective really makes me think of how students learn. It is very enlightening :)
Apart from that, I'm rather cutting back on everything else. Of course, at this particular moment, I'm feeling under the weather, primarily due to the onslaught of the antibiotics on the bacteria in my body (and making me feel terrible in the process, which is irony in the extreme). Apart from sleeping, I don't feel like doing much at all... definitely not any thinking of any sort.
I feel like I kind of owe it to myself, you know, to give myself a break. And not having done that, my body went on "vacation" arbitrarily :) Perhaps, I really should take my own advice, and take better care of myself. I know I've mentioned this often, but this recent bout has rather driven home the point.
Maybe I've gotten so used to putting other people's needs ahead of my own, I've gotten used to not acknowledging them.
Oh well... time to sleep.
aw
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