OCD

The recent event concerning a 25 year-old man pushing a 76 year-old woman off a bus has set me thinking. And not in the way one would imagine...

I mean, yes, of course I'm duly disturbed that such a travesty of respect could happen in so public a place, in so Asian a society such as ours. However, my mind was (soon) drawn towards something the man in question said (in written form) in his own defence, which was (among other illnesses) that he suffered from OCD.

It's been years since I have heard the term "OCD", which is the abbreviation for "obsessive-compulsive disorder". It has quietly slipped my mind; I'm unsure if it was due to its lack of relevance (perceived or otherwise), or to a subconscious attempt to subvert an uncomfortable truth.

It matters not. The point of the matter is that it is (once again) salient in my mind.

Taking a look at my life at the moment, through the OCD-tinted lenses, I can (to my surprise) attribute a number of characteristics to OCD.

For example, I am constantly in a state of movement. I can't sit still to save my life! I'm always shaking my feet or playing imaginary keys on my imaginary keyboard. Sure I know there isn't a keyboard there, but the music is in my head... Geez! I'm started to sound unhinged!

Another example would be my total and complete preoccupation with something. Be it my job, my music, my students... I always seem to be completely consumed by them! I can't disconnect from them, and they "haunt" me persistently, to the point of insomnia.

I'm frequently (make that practically always) hyper; I'm more than averagely meticulous, and am fastidious to a fault. I am overly-focussed on the things I'm doing, frequently to the ignorance of the people around me.

Yes, I have been diagnosed with mild OCD (this was perhaps 15 odd years back) but was never medicated. No one seemed to think it was anything, and because they didn't, neither did I.

I guess I'm thinking about this at length is because I seem to have integrated OCD into my modus operandi; in a way, it became part of how I did and do things. I am always focussed on my tasks, I use my (if I may say so humbly) immense energy to achieving my objectives, I always think very broadly... I just never attributed these qualities to OCD.

So far, all I've mentioned are the good things. There are of course not-so-good things. For all the reasons above, I think people find me eccentric, unusual, and perhaps a tad too energetic (I have people saying that they are nervous around me, simply because I'm a ball of energy). And maybe that's why my relationships don't last for very long. Despite my ability to focus on a single task, once the task stretches on indefinitely, I seem to lose that focus. I seem to need a definite start and end to things, and that really isn't a good foundation for a relationship.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining :) I am very blessed to be where I am, with what I have :) These are just my reflections of late, regarding a part of myself that I have perhaps neglected to account for. It does seem that we learn more about ourselves each day, even if it means re-visiting the past.

aw