Expectations

Hi there :) Kindly excuse my last post of crazy rantings; I shall not remove it as it serves to remind me of the frailty of my humanity :)

Well, things have gotten slightly better... as much as that's possible :) We are still working very hard on the production, and things are moving along better :)

We did our first school show today at Chai Chee Secondary School, courtesy of my Sec 4 English teacher, Mrs. Pereira :) It was wonderful to be in a school with her again, albeit not teacher-student anymore :)

The show went all right, with a few hiccups along the way. It was good in the sense that I was able to see what the production was doing well and right, as well as those that were not :) Very good perspective to have right now, so at least I'm able to put in some corrective measures for the cast and crew :)

I'm beginning to realise that I have very high expectations of others. This is probably because I have very high expectations of myself :) Perhaps it's not very fair to those around me, or those working with me, but I believe that, without high expectations, there can be no great achievements.

The thing about it is: the leads to disappointment a lot of the times. There is nothing as painful as seeing someone with tremendous potential not realising that potential.

That is perhaps what happens on a day-to-day basis... trying to help others to realise their potential, sometimes against their very own mindsets.

I heard some words off a Carpenters song which went "The hardest thing I've ever done is to keep believing..."

Indeed :)

aw

*WARNING* Ranting and Raving Ahead

I'm so tired...

I can't even begin to describe how tired I am...

...

And it seems like everytime I get over a hill, a mountain looms up ahead... more insurmountable than ever. And yes, I know all that jazz about "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger?", "There's always a silver lining" and "There's a light at the end of the tunnel"... please excuse me, I'm venting... I can't see the damn silver lining, the damn light is moving and it certainly feels like I'm being killed...

I hate it when I'm like this... I'm horrible to everyone around me (Alvin and Yue Tong: if you guys are reading this, RUN!)... Despite my best attempts to manage my emotions, they still get oh-so-much the better of me :( Sickening that after close to 32 years, I'm still so badly managed... and I'm the one talking about self-management all the time! "Cher, take your own advice!" Touche...

If you are wondering why I'm so upset, well, let's just say that a source of support we (the Believe team) were counting on just became NOT! I'm not as much angry as I am disappointed. They (the source of support) have their own policies and agenda to which they have to adhere to, but I was so sure that Believe fitted right in :( Is this hubris? Have I let my pride become the preamble to my downfall?

I know I'm sounding very fatalistic... too bad; I'm dramatic. But still, after all the mats I've had pulled out from under me, this one takes the cake...

I feel like crying...

Ya, ya...go ahead and laugh... the hell I care...

"Care less, live longer"... oh boy, those "words of wisdom" sure do pick a terrible time to return to the present.

The thing is: I can't.

I'm constitutionally unable to not care. I'm feeling wretched precisely because I DO GIVE A DAMN!!! And it feels like I'm being shot for it (won't be the first time)... kind of makes me wonder what happened to the callouses that's supposed to grow over old wounds? Could certainly use some shielding from the shelling...

Lord (I can't believe I'm blogging to God! Though I'm sure He has an email account and internet connection!)... help me... if ever I need you (and there were many many occasions), I need you NOW!!!

aw - ful

Buzzed!!

Hi hi! Yes, I popped up again... and in the brand new 2010 :) And things are looking fantastic so far :)

It's been a very blessed 1 month and 1 week into the new year :) Everything's been going very well :)

My concert went so much better than I could've have expected!! We had our final rehearsal the Friday before the weekend, and I sang for 5 hours straight! Was almost dead from exhaustion by the end of the session, but praise the Lord that when Saturday arrived, I was all up and perky again :)

Personally, it was a triumph on several levels:

1. I've never ticketed my concerts before, and was actually quite terrified of the idea that I might foul up on the performance days! I haven't had a solo show in almost 4 years and had all those doubts about being able to last through 1.5 hours of performance, with several very energetic numbers in-between! But as history has it, it went terrifically well :) I was surprised at myself!

2. I've never thought I could vocally pull of some of the songs I've written. Ironic, isn't it? :) But true :) I never felt as if I could sound as emotional or powerful as I envisioned myself, but this time round, by His grace, I felt I came across as well as I could have imagined :) Sure, I didn't hit every note perfectly, but I was so glad that I got across to my audience :)

3. I've always thought the my audience came because they were my friends and family :) I was secretly afraid that if anyone came to watch me, they'll run out screaming! But, not only did that not happen, the opposite did! I received so many encouraging words from my friends, family and fans, I felt that all those years of croaking away in my room did not go to waste! :)

All in all, I finished my concerts with a sense of thankfulness and liberation... God has been great to me all these years, and I felt it all culminated at those 2 nights :)

Now I'm preparing to stage "Believe - The Musical", and God again has proven worthy!!!

I've been blessed by the people who joined the team, and I can only imagine it was by divine intervention :) So far, the cast and crew have been so great in the sense that they really feel the vision and passion for our staging this musical :) It's not just for the mere spectacle of it (which will most certainly be the case!!), but it is ultimately about making a difference to the live of teenagers and youths :)

It's been my heart's desire for so many years, to be able to make a positive change to those youths who are hurting or searching, and to have this great team behind me, helping me make this happen, is really a blessing :) It almost doesn't feel like working!!! :)

Well, it's a very long post, this... will continue a little later :) For now, let me enjoy this happy moment, one of many this year! Watch this space; the sensational is about to happen ;)

aw

Wide Awake @ 3AM

Geez! It seems that the only time I blog is when I can't sleep! And yes, I can't sleep!

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm still waiting to get excited. Perhaps I've been over my excitement threshold; certainly, the past few days, and indeed, the past few hours had been exciting ones :)

Let's start with today: I was to have a meeting with a potential sponsor for my upcoming musical "Believe" (who is now in fact a sponsor!) at 2PM.

I was on the bus when I received a call to say that the meeting would be at 4PM... great! That meant I had time to go grab my guitar strings at Peninsula Plaza! So that's where I went.

After I bought my strings, I received a text from my music director, Simon, asking me to join him at a rehearsal for my concert. I was originally not supposed to attend as they needed to get everything together before the nosey-parker artiste jumps in!

Of course I said "Sure!" and scuttled down to the studio at Chinatown :)

I must say, the guys were TERRIFIC! Whoa! I mean, I knew they were pros and all... but I guess it's that feeling when you hear it for yourself!

Anyhow, I spent a pleasant hour there tweaking the songs and having a blast :) The guys were real nice people; couldn't have asked for nicer bandmates!

Sponsor meeting came and went; got the sponsor! Our very first! I'll dedicate a full entry on "Believe" when I'm next unable to sleep (which is never, I hope!)

Tuition was the last stop of the day :) Taught my secondary two Geography class; fun guys they are! Hope the class will increase in size a little; nothing like a few more heads to make things even more fun! Haha!

Then it's home for dinner! Whew... what a day! I'm not sure if this accounts for my inability to sleep... perhaps it is that, and the fact that my next meeting is 7 hours away! Geez!

Oh well, all in all, I must say things went rather well :) I'm smiling to myself... now if only I can fall asleep...

aw

Burnt Out

Hi... it's been quite a while since my last post. Apologies; I've been incredibly busy lately with the preparations for my concert as well as my musical next July.

Insidiously, I've let physical and mental fatigue overtake me. I became overly preoccupied with all the things I needed (or thought I needed) to complete, and lost my bearings. Consequently, I rather badly burnt out...

Didn't really think anything was wrong earlier on. I was still able to keep up with my schedule and tasks, but upon return from my KL trip, I found that I was perpetually tired, barely able to finish off the day's work, much less come up with any creative products.

Things came to a head when I started having palpitations almost nightly. At first, I dismissed it as too much coffee, although I was never immoderate. When it persisted, I bacame a little more concerned.

I wanted to see a doctor about it, but the queue at the polyclinic was fantastically long. My parents think it is due to my over-exerting myself that led to these health complications, and strongly suggested that I rest.

Seeing how much a visit to a specialist will cost me, I took their advice...

To my surprise, they were right :) I went home that day, and took a nap. It was long and deep, and when I awoke, I felt very much better :) I was certainly still fatigued, but my heart seemed to have stilled some :)

So here I am, burnt out, and trying very hard to rest up :) It's very much harder than you'd imagine, what with my concert, musical auditions, novel, soundtrack... ok ok! I'd better stop before I whip myself into a frenzy again!

Do remember me in your prayers, and excuse me if I'm not answering calls/sms/emails as promptly as you're used to :)

With that, I'm off to bed! Nitez!

aw

A little sad and blue...

It is truly written that "All good things must come to an end", and it is with that quote buzzing in the subliminal consciousness of my mind, I close yet another chapter of my life.

Perhaps there is something in saying goodbye. The word itself has become practically meaningless. We say it glibly, to every passing person, without realising the immense gravity of the word. Surely, we do not mean "goodbye" when we say it to our friends, for we are to meet them again in a few short hours or days... would it not be more correct to say "see you later"?

However, when I stood in front of my class today, saying that very word, I found that it held great meaning indeed. It is in fact an end to what has been a wonderful year long journey.

It is a goodbye to early morning coffee and conversation in the warmth of my homeroom, with cackling laughter to start off the day. It is a goodbye to my meticulously checking my kids for their barely legal sock length and Thai-dancer-like fingernails. It is a goodbye to being able to say something useful and practical into their lives.

It is a goodbye to family.

Whilst wallowing in my sentimental reverie, I become acutely aware of the privilege I have had the honour of having. I've been the "custodian" over 40 brilliant kids, whose potential far surpasses mine, and whose future each brim with great and wonderful things :) Add to that another 40 on their threshold of adulthood, each beginning to realise the expanse of their potential.

I am blessed by all of them, and I can only hope that I, in turn, have blessed them :)

Surely... I will miss you all.

aw

Sleepy, But Sleepless...

It's one of those nights where I'm feeling tired, but sleep escapes me :( May have something to do with the fact that I took a rather long nap this afternoon (more evidence of my being tired!), and then again, maybe not...

Thing is... I've got a lot on my mind. Right. I can just hear my friends laughing at my monumental statement of the obvious :) They'll say I've always have a lot on my mind, and they'll be correct :) Guess this is just another ordinary "can't sleep due to mental congestion" nights...

I've arrived at yet another crossroads. I read somewhere that life is a series of crossroads, where each fork takes you on an adventure, unique and wonderful on its own. While I have no problem believing that life is a series of crossroads, I'm not so sure about each fork being wonderful.

Sure, I exaggerate. The options I'm presented with are not bad ones; far from it. It is however a matter of a personal challenge, of stepping outside of my comfort zone, and ultimately, the exercise in a staunch and confident believe in oneself.

In short: do I have what it takes to get me where I want to go?

Please excuse the ambiguity... I apologise that I am unable to divulge more details simply because this is so very public a forum :) Kindly indulge the ramblings of my exhausted mind; it seems that my fingers are moving with greater rapidity than the faculties of my mind :)

Still, the situation remains...

The beauty of the matter is that I don't really need to make a choice, at least not in the here and now. In a way, the choice may decide itself. It's just this nagging feeling of doubt that I need assuaging.

Whatever happens, I will simply remember that God is in control :) Greatest comfort ever :)

Goodnight! (I hope!)

aw