I can't even begin to describe how tired I am...
...
And it seems like everytime I get over a hill, a mountain looms up ahead... more insurmountable than ever. And yes, I know all that jazz about "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger?", "There's always a silver lining" and "There's a light at the end of the tunnel"... please excuse me, I'm venting... I can't see the damn silver lining, the damn light is moving and it certainly feels like I'm being killed...
I hate it when I'm like this... I'm horrible to everyone around me (Alvin and Yue Tong: if you guys are reading this, RUN!)... Despite my best attempts to manage my emotions, they still get oh-so-much the better of me :( Sickening that after close to 32 years, I'm still so badly managed... and I'm the one talking about self-management all the time! "Cher, take your own advice!" Touche...
If you are wondering why I'm so upset, well, let's just say that a source of support we (the Believe team) were counting on just became NOT! I'm not as much angry as I am disappointed. They (the source of support) have their own policies and agenda to which they have to adhere to, but I was so sure that Believe fitted right in :( Is this hubris? Have I let my pride become the preamble to my downfall?
I know I'm sounding very fatalistic... too bad; I'm dramatic. But still, after all the mats I've had pulled out from under me, this one takes the cake...
I feel like crying...
Ya, ya...go ahead and laugh... the hell I care...
"Care less, live longer"... oh boy, those "words of wisdom" sure do pick a terrible time to return to the present.
The thing is: I can't.
I'm constitutionally unable to not care. I'm feeling wretched precisely because I DO GIVE A DAMN!!! And it feels like I'm being shot for it (won't be the first time)... kind of makes me wonder what happened to the callouses that's supposed to grow over old wounds? Could certainly use some shielding from the shelling...
Lord (I can't believe I'm blogging to God! Though I'm sure He has an email account and internet connection!)... help me... if ever I need you (and there were many many occasions), I need you NOW!!!
aw - ful
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