I'm going to keep this post vague; if you know what I'm talking about, smile to yourself and keep it to yourself :) Otherwise, just take it that I'm rambling (what's new?) :)
It feels like I've reached a sort of impasse. There appears to be two different threads tugging at my heart, and each seem to have its own direction to go.
Now, don't ask me which one I prefer... obviously, both are equally appealing, therefore, the impasse.
Thing is: I now feel that perhaps the way to go is the oft-hidden 3rd option - to do neither. And yes, I can hear you say that there is the 4th option, which is to do both.
Truth is, I have been doing both, and for a very very long time. I am not sure if this is something I want to continue, with my feelings about each aside, it is just very tiring.
Maybe I'm burnt out, that's why I'm having such unstable thoughts... I've been on high gear since the start of the year (and I didn't mention WHICH year!) and I guess I'm pretty much maxed out (which seems to be my natural state)...
I like what I do... and I want to keep doing what I do... perhaps my expectations have increased (on the quiet)... do I really expect more now?
And you know I am referring to expectations of others. My expectations for myself have always been... astronomical. Which is fine, because I'm the only one doing it...
Ok... I'm totally mind blocked on this one. I shall go sleep on it, and see if anything pops up :)
This is a totally dumb post. Dont' read it.
aw
Friday, September 7, 2012
Friday, August 31, 2012
Doubts: Healthy or Crippling?
Doubts. The quintessential stumbling blocks. They are, to me, one of those this that you can't live with yet can't live without.
I personally do not like doubts. For all the classic reasons. I feel unsure, insecure. I am afraid of making a mistake (or of having made one already).
The quality of doubt is the absence of more complete information, and that moving in the dark, eyes unseeing, hands outstretched, reaching forward for something that may and may not be there, is perturbing, to say the least. It creates a fair amount of stress, and coupled with an OCD-driven mind, can be quite taxing.
The frequency of doubts is also an interesting aspect to consider. One would think that as one progresses in life, doubts would reduce as more information is gained. However, I submit that this is only true of theoratical and academic knowledge (ie: I have less doubts using Photoshop now than before). However, when it comes to things like decisions, motivation, purpose... Doubts are as freshly available as ever.
I frequently question how I teach and the methods I use with my students. After every lesson, I almost subconsciously deconstruct what had transpired and examine for learning points. I often query the efficiency of the activities, from what was taught to how it was taught, from what was discussed to how the discussion proceeded. Even the things I said, the 'how's and the 'why's come under scrutiny.
As if this is not sufficient food for thought, I begin to think about whether such a line of enquiry is efficient and beneficial! Talk about knots! :)
After years of such wrangling, I come to the conclusion that, while doubts are very irritating, frustrating and generally a pain in the ass, they are in fact, very necessary. They help me to rationalise my actions, allows me to consider multiple points of view, and to reflect upon my motives behind my actions.
So here I am, 34 years young, and still doubting :)
aw
I personally do not like doubts. For all the classic reasons. I feel unsure, insecure. I am afraid of making a mistake (or of having made one already).
The quality of doubt is the absence of more complete information, and that moving in the dark, eyes unseeing, hands outstretched, reaching forward for something that may and may not be there, is perturbing, to say the least. It creates a fair amount of stress, and coupled with an OCD-driven mind, can be quite taxing.
The frequency of doubts is also an interesting aspect to consider. One would think that as one progresses in life, doubts would reduce as more information is gained. However, I submit that this is only true of theoratical and academic knowledge (ie: I have less doubts using Photoshop now than before). However, when it comes to things like decisions, motivation, purpose... Doubts are as freshly available as ever.
I frequently question how I teach and the methods I use with my students. After every lesson, I almost subconsciously deconstruct what had transpired and examine for learning points. I often query the efficiency of the activities, from what was taught to how it was taught, from what was discussed to how the discussion proceeded. Even the things I said, the 'how's and the 'why's come under scrutiny.
As if this is not sufficient food for thought, I begin to think about whether such a line of enquiry is efficient and beneficial! Talk about knots! :)
After years of such wrangling, I come to the conclusion that, while doubts are very irritating, frustrating and generally a pain in the ass, they are in fact, very necessary. They help me to rationalise my actions, allows me to consider multiple points of view, and to reflect upon my motives behind my actions.
So here I am, 34 years young, and still doubting :)
aw
Saturday, June 9, 2012
OCD
The recent event concerning a 25 year-old man pushing a 76 year-old woman off a bus has set me thinking. And not in the way one would imagine...
I mean, yes, of course I'm duly disturbed that such a travesty of respect could happen in so public a place, in so Asian a society such as ours. However, my mind was (soon) drawn towards something the man in question said (in written form) in his own defence, which was (among other illnesses) that he suffered from OCD.
It's been years since I have heard the term "OCD", which is the abbreviation for "obsessive-compulsive disorder". It has quietly slipped my mind; I'm unsure if it was due to its lack of relevance (perceived or otherwise), or to a subconscious attempt to subvert an uncomfortable truth.
It matters not. The point of the matter is that it is (once again) salient in my mind.
Taking a look at my life at the moment, through the OCD-tinted lenses, I can (to my surprise) attribute a number of characteristics to OCD.
For example, I am constantly in a state of movement. I can't sit still to save my life! I'm always shaking my feet or playing imaginary keys on my imaginary keyboard. Sure I know there isn't a keyboard there, but the music is in my head... Geez! I'm started to sound unhinged!
Another example would be my total and complete preoccupation with something. Be it my job, my music, my students... I always seem to be completely consumed by them! I can't disconnect from them, and they "haunt" me persistently, to the point of insomnia.
I'm frequently (make that practically always) hyper; I'm more than averagely meticulous, and am fastidious to a fault. I am overly-focussed on the things I'm doing, frequently to the ignorance of the people around me.
Yes, I have been diagnosed with mild OCD (this was perhaps 15 odd years back) but was never medicated. No one seemed to think it was anything, and because they didn't, neither did I.
I guess I'm thinking about this at length is because I seem to have integrated OCD into my modus operandi; in a way, it became part of how I did and do things. I am always focussed on my tasks, I use my (if I may say so humbly) immense energy to achieving my objectives, I always think very broadly... I just never attributed these qualities to OCD.
So far, all I've mentioned are the good things. There are of course not-so-good things. For all the reasons above, I think people find me eccentric, unusual, and perhaps a tad too energetic (I have people saying that they are nervous around me, simply because I'm a ball of energy). And maybe that's why my relationships don't last for very long. Despite my ability to focus on a single task, once the task stretches on indefinitely, I seem to lose that focus. I seem to need a definite start and end to things, and that really isn't a good foundation for a relationship.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining :) I am very blessed to be where I am, with what I have :) These are just my reflections of late, regarding a part of myself that I have perhaps neglected to account for. It does seem that we learn more about ourselves each day, even if it means re-visiting the past.
aw
I mean, yes, of course I'm duly disturbed that such a travesty of respect could happen in so public a place, in so Asian a society such as ours. However, my mind was (soon) drawn towards something the man in question said (in written form) in his own defence, which was (among other illnesses) that he suffered from OCD.
It's been years since I have heard the term "OCD", which is the abbreviation for "obsessive-compulsive disorder". It has quietly slipped my mind; I'm unsure if it was due to its lack of relevance (perceived or otherwise), or to a subconscious attempt to subvert an uncomfortable truth.
It matters not. The point of the matter is that it is (once again) salient in my mind.
Taking a look at my life at the moment, through the OCD-tinted lenses, I can (to my surprise) attribute a number of characteristics to OCD.
For example, I am constantly in a state of movement. I can't sit still to save my life! I'm always shaking my feet or playing imaginary keys on my imaginary keyboard. Sure I know there isn't a keyboard there, but the music is in my head... Geez! I'm started to sound unhinged!
Another example would be my total and complete preoccupation with something. Be it my job, my music, my students... I always seem to be completely consumed by them! I can't disconnect from them, and they "haunt" me persistently, to the point of insomnia.
I'm frequently (make that practically always) hyper; I'm more than averagely meticulous, and am fastidious to a fault. I am overly-focussed on the things I'm doing, frequently to the ignorance of the people around me.
Yes, I have been diagnosed with mild OCD (this was perhaps 15 odd years back) but was never medicated. No one seemed to think it was anything, and because they didn't, neither did I.
I guess I'm thinking about this at length is because I seem to have integrated OCD into my modus operandi; in a way, it became part of how I did and do things. I am always focussed on my tasks, I use my (if I may say so humbly) immense energy to achieving my objectives, I always think very broadly... I just never attributed these qualities to OCD.
So far, all I've mentioned are the good things. There are of course not-so-good things. For all the reasons above, I think people find me eccentric, unusual, and perhaps a tad too energetic (I have people saying that they are nervous around me, simply because I'm a ball of energy). And maybe that's why my relationships don't last for very long. Despite my ability to focus on a single task, once the task stretches on indefinitely, I seem to lose that focus. I seem to need a definite start and end to things, and that really isn't a good foundation for a relationship.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining :) I am very blessed to be where I am, with what I have :) These are just my reflections of late, regarding a part of myself that I have perhaps neglected to account for. It does seem that we learn more about ourselves each day, even if it means re-visiting the past.
aw
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Thoughts
It's been a good three months since my last post. Obviously, I'm not one to keep updated the myriad things that happened in my life; to do so would be rather time-consuming :)
And speaking of time, it seems to me that it has become so much more elusive of late than ever. Hours, days, weeks and months seem to vanish quite mysteriously, and it is not without some amazement that I realise (again!) that it is now May. Where has the first half of the year gone? A recurring question, this.
I guess my day job has a little to do with it. It brings rather new challenges, which I quite enjoy... but new challenges also come with new stress. I think I'm still adjusting to the whole notion of what I'm doing; I mean, I'm no master at adaptation... in fact, quite the opposite. Then there are all the classes I'm (still) teaching, plus a couple of private students, and add to that, my vocal class on Saturdays... that pretty much takes everything I've got. Tough.
Same old lament: where can I find time for myself? I'm rather beyond thinking that to be self-indulgent, instead, seeing it as a necessity to personal and professional well-being. My mood and emotions have certainly taken to swinging of late, and I'm a little concerned at the duration of its stay.
I've been thinking about why I'm feeling so hay-wired, and, as with all things, I feel the reasons to be many. Yes, the job(s) definitely play a part. I mean, it's not really the job, but the expectations perhaps? "Expectations lead to disappointment"... that's what they say, isn't it? I'm not entirely sure that is wrong. I think that doing a job for a while does build up some kind of expectations (towards people) and if those expectations aren't managed (I can say with some conviction that perhaps mine are not very well-managed at this point), I feel disappointed. All very human.
I guess I expect myself to be quite above this, and to be in this state, feeling these emotions, remind me I am very much on the level with everyone else. There is no exception (it seems) from being disappointed, and I think part of that disappointment is in myself, for allowing my expectations to (again) be so elevated. Some groups of people are just not meant to be expected upon. I am unsure if this is a failing. I am disinclined to think so, but perhaps it is seasonal. Still, while understanding that in the head does precious little to ameliorate that sinking feeling in the heart that informs you (in no uncertain terms) that my expectations have (once again) been misplaced.
And so I am reminded (yet again) that I am human. Ok, got it (I think). I shall promise myself, as I have promised myself often in the past, to not place expectations upon people whose shoulders are not worthy of such. I shall be callous, and take better care of myself; the others are surely taking care of themselves. Putting oneself out on a limb is injury waiting to happen. Why shouldn't I be selfish and uncaring? Caring can be dangerous! It brings more hurt and damage than it brings joy and happiness! Surely, the choice is obvious!
Yet, History has it that I did not learn from my past mishaps. Perhaps I am constitutionally adverse to better health and happiness. Perhaps I am a masochist, who derives some form of pleasure from hurting myself. Certainly, it can be fodder for writing songs! Inspiration from injury! Not the most original thought, but one could do worse.
Rant rant rant... what's the point? Talk is cheap when it comes to people. Well... emancipation at the end of the year. I've held on this long, and made it this far... what's another five more months?
aw
And speaking of time, it seems to me that it has become so much more elusive of late than ever. Hours, days, weeks and months seem to vanish quite mysteriously, and it is not without some amazement that I realise (again!) that it is now May. Where has the first half of the year gone? A recurring question, this.
I guess my day job has a little to do with it. It brings rather new challenges, which I quite enjoy... but new challenges also come with new stress. I think I'm still adjusting to the whole notion of what I'm doing; I mean, I'm no master at adaptation... in fact, quite the opposite. Then there are all the classes I'm (still) teaching, plus a couple of private students, and add to that, my vocal class on Saturdays... that pretty much takes everything I've got. Tough.
Same old lament: where can I find time for myself? I'm rather beyond thinking that to be self-indulgent, instead, seeing it as a necessity to personal and professional well-being. My mood and emotions have certainly taken to swinging of late, and I'm a little concerned at the duration of its stay.
I've been thinking about why I'm feeling so hay-wired, and, as with all things, I feel the reasons to be many. Yes, the job(s) definitely play a part. I mean, it's not really the job, but the expectations perhaps? "Expectations lead to disappointment"... that's what they say, isn't it? I'm not entirely sure that is wrong. I think that doing a job for a while does build up some kind of expectations (towards people) and if those expectations aren't managed (I can say with some conviction that perhaps mine are not very well-managed at this point), I feel disappointed. All very human.
I guess I expect myself to be quite above this, and to be in this state, feeling these emotions, remind me I am very much on the level with everyone else. There is no exception (it seems) from being disappointed, and I think part of that disappointment is in myself, for allowing my expectations to (again) be so elevated. Some groups of people are just not meant to be expected upon. I am unsure if this is a failing. I am disinclined to think so, but perhaps it is seasonal. Still, while understanding that in the head does precious little to ameliorate that sinking feeling in the heart that informs you (in no uncertain terms) that my expectations have (once again) been misplaced.
And so I am reminded (yet again) that I am human. Ok, got it (I think). I shall promise myself, as I have promised myself often in the past, to not place expectations upon people whose shoulders are not worthy of such. I shall be callous, and take better care of myself; the others are surely taking care of themselves. Putting oneself out on a limb is injury waiting to happen. Why shouldn't I be selfish and uncaring? Caring can be dangerous! It brings more hurt and damage than it brings joy and happiness! Surely, the choice is obvious!
Yet, History has it that I did not learn from my past mishaps. Perhaps I am constitutionally adverse to better health and happiness. Perhaps I am a masochist, who derives some form of pleasure from hurting myself. Certainly, it can be fodder for writing songs! Inspiration from injury! Not the most original thought, but one could do worse.
Rant rant rant... what's the point? Talk is cheap when it comes to people. Well... emancipation at the end of the year. I've held on this long, and made it this far... what's another five more months?
aw
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The New Year...
This wasn't the first post I envisioned...
I had wanted to start off with the high points of the year gone by and go on to some aspirations for the year ahead. Instead, I'm here, fighting off an infection that landed me in hospital, and writing about the new year in February.
A classic example of "Man proposes; God disposes."
The year has certainly not turned out the way I expected. I was looking forward to a year of rest (physically). As it turned out, my 2011 "year of rest" was a pipe dream, and I didn't really get a chance to catch up with myself, which I hoped to be able to do this year.
However, a job opportunity came about which was rather too good to refuse. I'm now writing new curriculum for a primary school, that will will be deployed via smartphones. All very cutting edge, and quite up my alley :)
The work is interesting, to say the least. It gives me a unique insight into the rationale behind the development of curriculum, which is particularly helpful to me as a teacher. Having to consider the material from a student's perspective really makes me think of how students learn. It is very enlightening :)
Apart from that, I'm rather cutting back on everything else. Of course, at this particular moment, I'm feeling under the weather, primarily due to the onslaught of the antibiotics on the bacteria in my body (and making me feel terrible in the process, which is irony in the extreme). Apart from sleeping, I don't feel like doing much at all... definitely not any thinking of any sort.
I feel like I kind of owe it to myself, you know, to give myself a break. And not having done that, my body went on "vacation" arbitrarily :) Perhaps, I really should take my own advice, and take better care of myself. I know I've mentioned this often, but this recent bout has rather driven home the point.
Maybe I've gotten so used to putting other people's needs ahead of my own, I've gotten used to not acknowledging them.
Oh well... time to sleep.
aw
I had wanted to start off with the high points of the year gone by and go on to some aspirations for the year ahead. Instead, I'm here, fighting off an infection that landed me in hospital, and writing about the new year in February.
A classic example of "Man proposes; God disposes."
The year has certainly not turned out the way I expected. I was looking forward to a year of rest (physically). As it turned out, my 2011 "year of rest" was a pipe dream, and I didn't really get a chance to catch up with myself, which I hoped to be able to do this year.
However, a job opportunity came about which was rather too good to refuse. I'm now writing new curriculum for a primary school, that will will be deployed via smartphones. All very cutting edge, and quite up my alley :)
The work is interesting, to say the least. It gives me a unique insight into the rationale behind the development of curriculum, which is particularly helpful to me as a teacher. Having to consider the material from a student's perspective really makes me think of how students learn. It is very enlightening :)
Apart from that, I'm rather cutting back on everything else. Of course, at this particular moment, I'm feeling under the weather, primarily due to the onslaught of the antibiotics on the bacteria in my body (and making me feel terrible in the process, which is irony in the extreme). Apart from sleeping, I don't feel like doing much at all... definitely not any thinking of any sort.
I feel like I kind of owe it to myself, you know, to give myself a break. And not having done that, my body went on "vacation" arbitrarily :) Perhaps, I really should take my own advice, and take better care of myself. I know I've mentioned this often, but this recent bout has rather driven home the point.
Maybe I've gotten so used to putting other people's needs ahead of my own, I've gotten used to not acknowledging them.
Oh well... time to sleep.
aw
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Thoughts
It is finally December, and the closing of the year 2011. It isn't without some relief that the year is ending... While it certainly had some high points, I think the not so nice ones rather eclipsed the former.
And it is in December that I have finally gotten a chance to catch my breath, and it seems much harder than before. Not the literal catching of breath, but finding the time to do so. I feel like I needed to fight off all the other commitments I have in my life just to eke out a few days to myself. Which is essentially what I have done... Because I realise that this is the first lull period I have had this year, and while it is late, I am glad for it.
I've been fighting off this lingering fatigue which has plagued me for many months, and I'm finally getting a few days of sleep-ins... The idea of not having to wake up in the morning is enough to keep me awake! Haha! :)
As part of my rest and relaxation regime, I've been catching up on all the DVDs I've bought but not watched :) and once again, I'm amazed at what can be conveyed through excellent writing, direction and portrayal :) through the medium of screen, lives are lived, wars are fought and lost, love experienced and grieved, destinys fulfilled and destroyed :)
That makes me very proud to be an artiste :) and who knows? With a little rest, I may yet have another story to tell, another song to sing... another adventure to go on :)
Join me? :)
aw
And it is in December that I have finally gotten a chance to catch my breath, and it seems much harder than before. Not the literal catching of breath, but finding the time to do so. I feel like I needed to fight off all the other commitments I have in my life just to eke out a few days to myself. Which is essentially what I have done... Because I realise that this is the first lull period I have had this year, and while it is late, I am glad for it.
I've been fighting off this lingering fatigue which has plagued me for many months, and I'm finally getting a few days of sleep-ins... The idea of not having to wake up in the morning is enough to keep me awake! Haha! :)
As part of my rest and relaxation regime, I've been catching up on all the DVDs I've bought but not watched :) and once again, I'm amazed at what can be conveyed through excellent writing, direction and portrayal :) through the medium of screen, lives are lived, wars are fought and lost, love experienced and grieved, destinys fulfilled and destroyed :)
That makes me very proud to be an artiste :) and who knows? With a little rest, I may yet have another story to tell, another song to sing... another adventure to go on :)
Join me? :)
aw
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Pause to Ponder :)
Right now, I am sitting in my room, sipping a glass of merlot, contemplating eating some chocolates (now that I can) and watching "Star Trek: Voyager" :)
As you can tell, I am certainly relaxed :)
With the stresses of recent projects over, and the successful completion of my "Absolutely! Live 2011" concert, there is just cause for ostensible relaxation :)
I've been thinking about my concert since its conclusion last night :) I can still see it in vivid detail: the stage, lights, the audience... certainly a night to remember!
In many ways, the concert is a milestone for me. On a personal level, it is a crossing of barriers: proving to myself that my idea of a terrific concert really works :) It is also a test of my physical, mental and vocal tenacity... to see if I am able to perform as I have seen myself in my mind countless times over the many years :) I am happy to report that I have done just that... not boastfully, but gratefully acknowledging how blessed I am to have gotten this far :)
Conceptually, the concert was outstanding: we started with two energetic dance routines, quickly followed by a song with a video presentation. Slower songs had beautiful light accompaniment, as well as dance :) After the intermission, the show went into a different mood: light and easy, with an acoustic number in the middle and a fashion show at the end!
All in all, quite a show :)
Although ticket sales were dismal, I have fulfilled all other objectives: I worked with great people; I've put up a great show; I pushed my limits and upped my confidence; I got through a very tough period in my life... and I enjoyed myself :)
I now sit in anticipation of the pictures and videos that will soon arrive :) Chewing on my chocolate (yes, I've yielded!), having exit my stressful period... I am taking this moment to enjoy the serenity of completion, of having the luxury of a few empty moments to keep to myself, and the wonderful opportunity of looking into the future and planning what I should do next... ;)
Keep your eyes here... who knows what I'll be doing next? ;)
aw
p/s: a quick but sincere thank you to all of you who believed in me; I am a product of your faith :)
As you can tell, I am certainly relaxed :)
With the stresses of recent projects over, and the successful completion of my "Absolutely! Live 2011" concert, there is just cause for ostensible relaxation :)
I've been thinking about my concert since its conclusion last night :) I can still see it in vivid detail: the stage, lights, the audience... certainly a night to remember!
In many ways, the concert is a milestone for me. On a personal level, it is a crossing of barriers: proving to myself that my idea of a terrific concert really works :) It is also a test of my physical, mental and vocal tenacity... to see if I am able to perform as I have seen myself in my mind countless times over the many years :) I am happy to report that I have done just that... not boastfully, but gratefully acknowledging how blessed I am to have gotten this far :)
Conceptually, the concert was outstanding: we started with two energetic dance routines, quickly followed by a song with a video presentation. Slower songs had beautiful light accompaniment, as well as dance :) After the intermission, the show went into a different mood: light and easy, with an acoustic number in the middle and a fashion show at the end!
All in all, quite a show :)
Although ticket sales were dismal, I have fulfilled all other objectives: I worked with great people; I've put up a great show; I pushed my limits and upped my confidence; I got through a very tough period in my life... and I enjoyed myself :)
I now sit in anticipation of the pictures and videos that will soon arrive :) Chewing on my chocolate (yes, I've yielded!), having exit my stressful period... I am taking this moment to enjoy the serenity of completion, of having the luxury of a few empty moments to keep to myself, and the wonderful opportunity of looking into the future and planning what I should do next... ;)
Keep your eyes here... who knows what I'll be doing next? ;)
aw
p/s: a quick but sincere thank you to all of you who believed in me; I am a product of your faith :)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
7 days... to the rest of my life
At the time of writing, I am tired (to the bones), almost hungry (strange) and mostly frustrated...
Guess there's plenty in recent days to make me tired and frustrated; hungry, I don't know... I'm usually hungry at this time. Back to tired and frustrated... as always: compound reasons.
I was just telling a friend of mine a few days back that I'm feeling very stressed out about my upcoming concert, and he astutely observed that I probably didn't have that much to do (non-concert related stuff, he meant) then (which was 2009) than I do now.
He's right.
These days, I frequently find myself inundated with work, out of breath and out of sorts. Not very good company am I these days either. Sure, I'm just as witty and amusing as ever, but it certainly "cost" more now. Truth is, I'm glad that people buy my little facade; saves me having to explain... Explanations can be tiring, and there goes the thought process behind my 3rd album.
I wish... really wish to get away from everything for a while. And think I must (and I use the word deliberately). I think I've been off balanced for too long, and I really need to take a break, catch my breath, regain my perspective, and maybe, start writing again.
Sometimes, I do wonder if it is worth it. The former "it" can (and does) refer to anything of consequence; the latter "it"... how do I put it? My money? My time? My heart? My soul?
All of the above.
aw
Guess there's plenty in recent days to make me tired and frustrated; hungry, I don't know... I'm usually hungry at this time. Back to tired and frustrated... as always: compound reasons.
I was just telling a friend of mine a few days back that I'm feeling very stressed out about my upcoming concert, and he astutely observed that I probably didn't have that much to do (non-concert related stuff, he meant) then (which was 2009) than I do now.
He's right.
These days, I frequently find myself inundated with work, out of breath and out of sorts. Not very good company am I these days either. Sure, I'm just as witty and amusing as ever, but it certainly "cost" more now. Truth is, I'm glad that people buy my little facade; saves me having to explain... Explanations can be tiring, and there goes the thought process behind my 3rd album.
I wish... really wish to get away from everything for a while. And think I must (and I use the word deliberately). I think I've been off balanced for too long, and I really need to take a break, catch my breath, regain my perspective, and maybe, start writing again.
Sometimes, I do wonder if it is worth it. The former "it" can (and does) refer to anything of consequence; the latter "it"... how do I put it? My money? My time? My heart? My soul?
All of the above.
aw
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Time of the year, or just a tough year?
I've recently got to thinking: this has been a tough year. At least by my estimation. Which is quite strange given the year I had last...
In 2010, I had a solo concert performance, a major musical and a Christmas concert performance with my students. This year, I had zero concert performances (so far), no major musical production, no other performances apart from a few hosting engagements.
Yet, I maintain: this has been a tough year.
As with all things, it is a combination of factors: my mother's illness, my having to move office twice this year alone, my falling out with my business partner... I think these are the major events that really knocked the wind out of me (and pulled the carpet from under my feet, as it were). Of course, I did my best to cope, which was naturally difficult. Apart from having to hold down my day job (which involved a fair bit of managing clients, getting designs done on time, etc), doing my other "day" job as a tutor (on average, I have about 30 students of different secondary levels, each with unique and individual challenges), while trying to feed my soul as a musician.
I think my music took the brunt of the stresses; it was the one aspect which didn't have a tangible dollar value attached to it, and thus, was the easiest to put aside. But I am beginning to think otherwise.
At this moment, while I am feeling particularly emotional, I remember that I am now the same age as my Lord and Saviour Jesus was when He gave up His spirit for us all. I wonder if there is some connection, for surely His 33rd year must been the most difficult in His life. Certainly, I do not claim that what I went through was anything even remotely close to what He went through; I am merely entertaining a hypothesis that is laughable at best.
Whatever the case, there isn't much good to come from dwelling on the past. I am currently focusing on adjusting my life to one that is better for me... I think I owe myself that.
aw
In 2010, I had a solo concert performance, a major musical and a Christmas concert performance with my students. This year, I had zero concert performances (so far), no major musical production, no other performances apart from a few hosting engagements.
Yet, I maintain: this has been a tough year.
As with all things, it is a combination of factors: my mother's illness, my having to move office twice this year alone, my falling out with my business partner... I think these are the major events that really knocked the wind out of me (and pulled the carpet from under my feet, as it were). Of course, I did my best to cope, which was naturally difficult. Apart from having to hold down my day job (which involved a fair bit of managing clients, getting designs done on time, etc), doing my other "day" job as a tutor (on average, I have about 30 students of different secondary levels, each with unique and individual challenges), while trying to feed my soul as a musician.
I think my music took the brunt of the stresses; it was the one aspect which didn't have a tangible dollar value attached to it, and thus, was the easiest to put aside. But I am beginning to think otherwise.
At this moment, while I am feeling particularly emotional, I remember that I am now the same age as my Lord and Saviour Jesus was when He gave up His spirit for us all. I wonder if there is some connection, for surely His 33rd year must been the most difficult in His life. Certainly, I do not claim that what I went through was anything even remotely close to what He went through; I am merely entertaining a hypothesis that is laughable at best.
Whatever the case, there isn't much good to come from dwelling on the past. I am currently focusing on adjusting my life to one that is better for me... I think I owe myself that.
aw
Friday, October 7, 2011
Breaking form :)
Guess I've ranted enough in my last post, so I shall endeavour to do something else now: writing because I feel like it ;)
On the topic of writing, I find that I really do enjoy the process of putting words into forms such as poetry, stories, songs... whatever fits :) It is as if I have a singular voice, one that does not need to explain (No Explanation), that people understand (Someday), that can be sincere and true (Veritas)... haha! ;)
On the journey towards relaxation (as my less laboured breathing and ache-less chest can testify), I come to a realisation that perhaps would be obvious to many: I am very much an artistic soul.
I say that, not braggadociously, but merely as a statement of fact, or more correctly, of revelation :) I have not previously realise how much I needed my art, writing and composing in particular. Not having done that for the past year seemed to have caused a variety of unusual symptoms, such as lack of drive and motivation, loss of focus, general emotional constipation (no joke!)... I feel as if I'm holding something in, and it's stopping up the plumbing :(
So, in typical proactive fashion, I have going to re-prioritise :) Of course I understand I need to address the bread and butter issue, but I need to order my time better... I need to allocate time to MYSELF :)
Some would think this selfish; I think is imperative :) To me, it is imperative :) It's not that I love everything else less... it is just, perhaps, time to love myself more :)
That has always been the issue (I'm sure many would agree) :)
My new album is entitled "Walk Away"... and as I prepare to share it with the world, I am struck by how much it reflects my state in this time frame :) I need to walk away from those who hurt me; I need to walk away from things that do not edify me; I need to walk away from activities that only feed my body and not my soul :)
And while I'm on the topic of my new album, I can't help but talk about it some :)
It is, in so many ways, a breakthrough for me :) In creating this album, I had to overcome my age-old fear of trusting people :) God sent me a wonderful arranger, Julian Wong, who restored some of the trust I lost to others who were careless and malicious with my love and passion :) And so many others who gave so much to what is essentially my creation... I am overwhelmed by their dedication and commitment :)
And through it all, I had my special AW-esome group of kids :) They really are a bright spot in my life :) They are about to finish up their exams, and we haven't met up in over a month... I miss them terribly :)
They have inspired so much of who I am and what I do... even though they do drive me up the walls on occasions! Guess that's why I have a pair of bright red "Spiderman" shoes ;)
2011 has been a tough year; I was stressed out in areas I wasn't aware was stress-able! Family, career, relationships... but I choose to believe, that through it all, God is (was and always be) in complete control :) And that whatever had, is and will happen, happens exactly the way He intended it to be :)
And since I have it on good authority that my Heavenly Father loves me more than I can ever love anyone, I have every reason to believe that whatever happens next will be great beyond my imagination :)
Thus... I give myself permission to relax :) That's what my Heavenly Father wants me to do anyways :) So the rebel is on strike ;) Haha!
aw
On the topic of writing, I find that I really do enjoy the process of putting words into forms such as poetry, stories, songs... whatever fits :) It is as if I have a singular voice, one that does not need to explain (No Explanation), that people understand (Someday), that can be sincere and true (Veritas)... haha! ;)
On the journey towards relaxation (as my less laboured breathing and ache-less chest can testify), I come to a realisation that perhaps would be obvious to many: I am very much an artistic soul.
I say that, not braggadociously, but merely as a statement of fact, or more correctly, of revelation :) I have not previously realise how much I needed my art, writing and composing in particular. Not having done that for the past year seemed to have caused a variety of unusual symptoms, such as lack of drive and motivation, loss of focus, general emotional constipation (no joke!)... I feel as if I'm holding something in, and it's stopping up the plumbing :(
So, in typical proactive fashion, I have going to re-prioritise :) Of course I understand I need to address the bread and butter issue, but I need to order my time better... I need to allocate time to MYSELF :)
Some would think this selfish; I think is imperative :) To me, it is imperative :) It's not that I love everything else less... it is just, perhaps, time to love myself more :)
That has always been the issue (I'm sure many would agree) :)
My new album is entitled "Walk Away"... and as I prepare to share it with the world, I am struck by how much it reflects my state in this time frame :) I need to walk away from those who hurt me; I need to walk away from things that do not edify me; I need to walk away from activities that only feed my body and not my soul :)
And while I'm on the topic of my new album, I can't help but talk about it some :)
It is, in so many ways, a breakthrough for me :) In creating this album, I had to overcome my age-old fear of trusting people :) God sent me a wonderful arranger, Julian Wong, who restored some of the trust I lost to others who were careless and malicious with my love and passion :) And so many others who gave so much to what is essentially my creation... I am overwhelmed by their dedication and commitment :)
And through it all, I had my special AW-esome group of kids :) They really are a bright spot in my life :) They are about to finish up their exams, and we haven't met up in over a month... I miss them terribly :)
They have inspired so much of who I am and what I do... even though they do drive me up the walls on occasions! Guess that's why I have a pair of bright red "Spiderman" shoes ;)
2011 has been a tough year; I was stressed out in areas I wasn't aware was stress-able! Family, career, relationships... but I choose to believe, that through it all, God is (was and always be) in complete control :) And that whatever had, is and will happen, happens exactly the way He intended it to be :)
And since I have it on good authority that my Heavenly Father loves me more than I can ever love anyone, I have every reason to believe that whatever happens next will be great beyond my imagination :)
Thus... I give myself permission to relax :) That's what my Heavenly Father wants me to do anyways :) So the rebel is on strike ;) Haha!
aw
Monday, October 3, 2011
This is getting to be a habit
And by "this", I mean ranting here in blogsphere. Nevertheless, I see little recourse, and therefore shall preamble no longer.
I recently found that I was having difficulty breathing. A quick visit to Doc#1 yielded a diagnosis that the haze had caused my sensitive sinus to flare up, resulting in excessive mucus secretion, which led to my lungs becoming a little congested. A standard battery of meds was prescribed, and I thought no more about it.
A few days later, to my disappointment, I was no better. Upon consultation with my mother, we decided that a trip to my family doc, Doc#2, was in order.
I made the trip the next day. Diagnosis was a slight flare up of my asthma, for which a strong corticol steriod was prescribed. Feeling somewhat more positive about this new set of meds, I went home and dutifully took the meds as instructed.
No better.
So two weeks after seeing Doc#2, I was having so much difficulty breathing that it actually hurt my chest and neck when I tried to inhale. Further conversation with my mum pointed to another visit to Doc#2, after which if I'm not better, to seek higher power, namely, a specialist.
Thinking about the dollars and cents, it made sense to hope that my second visit would fare better than the first.
In Doc#2's office for the second time, I was examined, and after a somewhat pensive pause, I was gently enquired if I was under stress. Always one for a witty repartee, I answered that in good old Singapore, who wasn't under stress?
Doc#2 laughed politely, then iterated that perhaps my increased stress level was causing me to experience a phenomenon known as "air hunger", where the body perceives a need for more oxygen than it does.
This is a direct result of the stress I was under; literally, I was drowning (albeit on dry land).
I was prescribed some tranquillisers, and told to get my stress under control. Muttering under my breath, I said that it's good advice; now how do I go about it? As usual, the older generation points to the promised land, but fails to deliver the map.
And so here I am: tranquilised because I'm stressed out. Thing is, thanks to my keen cognition (modesty is also tranquilised), I know exactly what's stressing me out. And yes, I can hear the people at the grandstand of my life saying I'm over-reacting, he's not worth it, I should just let go, life is too short to be angry, yadah yadah yadah...
It's not that I disagree. I agree wholeheartedly! The point is: these kind words cannot alter what I am feeling in terms of my emotions. If you are at this point wondering what I am talking about, suffice it to say that it involved another person, a business relationship, money and a severe lack of normal, human decency.
In short, I got stiffed.
And yes, that made me angry. Angry at being so stupid, I was taken advantage of (again!)... angry at how long it took for me to see this was happening... angry at having put in so much into what I thought was a good, solid relationship... angry at how blind I was.
I don't want to remain angry, but I don't know how to deal with this. It's making me sick, and I want it out of my system, but I seriously don't know how to achieve this.
So here I am: tranquilised, punching mindlessly at the keyboard, hoping that this barrage of emotional vitriol will have a cathartic effect.
At least this won't take my breath away...
aw
I recently found that I was having difficulty breathing. A quick visit to Doc#1 yielded a diagnosis that the haze had caused my sensitive sinus to flare up, resulting in excessive mucus secretion, which led to my lungs becoming a little congested. A standard battery of meds was prescribed, and I thought no more about it.
A few days later, to my disappointment, I was no better. Upon consultation with my mother, we decided that a trip to my family doc, Doc#2, was in order.
I made the trip the next day. Diagnosis was a slight flare up of my asthma, for which a strong corticol steriod was prescribed. Feeling somewhat more positive about this new set of meds, I went home and dutifully took the meds as instructed.
No better.
So two weeks after seeing Doc#2, I was having so much difficulty breathing that it actually hurt my chest and neck when I tried to inhale. Further conversation with my mum pointed to another visit to Doc#2, after which if I'm not better, to seek higher power, namely, a specialist.
Thinking about the dollars and cents, it made sense to hope that my second visit would fare better than the first.
In Doc#2's office for the second time, I was examined, and after a somewhat pensive pause, I was gently enquired if I was under stress. Always one for a witty repartee, I answered that in good old Singapore, who wasn't under stress?
Doc#2 laughed politely, then iterated that perhaps my increased stress level was causing me to experience a phenomenon known as "air hunger", where the body perceives a need for more oxygen than it does.
This is a direct result of the stress I was under; literally, I was drowning (albeit on dry land).
I was prescribed some tranquillisers, and told to get my stress under control. Muttering under my breath, I said that it's good advice; now how do I go about it? As usual, the older generation points to the promised land, but fails to deliver the map.
And so here I am: tranquilised because I'm stressed out. Thing is, thanks to my keen cognition (modesty is also tranquilised), I know exactly what's stressing me out. And yes, I can hear the people at the grandstand of my life saying I'm over-reacting, he's not worth it, I should just let go, life is too short to be angry, yadah yadah yadah...
It's not that I disagree. I agree wholeheartedly! The point is: these kind words cannot alter what I am feeling in terms of my emotions. If you are at this point wondering what I am talking about, suffice it to say that it involved another person, a business relationship, money and a severe lack of normal, human decency.
In short, I got stiffed.
And yes, that made me angry. Angry at being so stupid, I was taken advantage of (again!)... angry at how long it took for me to see this was happening... angry at having put in so much into what I thought was a good, solid relationship... angry at how blind I was.
I don't want to remain angry, but I don't know how to deal with this. It's making me sick, and I want it out of my system, but I seriously don't know how to achieve this.
So here I am: tranquilised, punching mindlessly at the keyboard, hoping that this barrage of emotional vitriol will have a cathartic effect.
At least this won't take my breath away...
aw
Friday, July 1, 2011
Disappointed
Here I am again, and the title of this post does say it all... I'm disappointed.
If "disappointed" means not having one's expectations met, I'd say I'm justified in my feeling this way. I used to think that I could function without having any expectations (save myself), but I was wrong.
I realize now that I can no more remove expectations from my mind than I can remove my heart from my body. It seems that, in a strange twist of Newtonian (I think) law of motion, that every action has an equal and opposite expectation. Perhaps all of us do things in the hope of something, and that itself may be done subconsciously.
But perhaps I'm not referring to just an action-expectation contingency, but rather one of expecting a duty of care. I find that I often have an expectation (misplaced, no doubt) of those who are older than me, to show more care and concern. Surely, to expect that of the young would be to set oneself up for disappointment in no small measure.
If a child does not care for anyone else but himself, he needs to be taught.
If a youth does not care for anyone else but himself, he needs to be instructed.
If one's contemporary does not care for anyone else but himself, he needs to be advised (sometimes, with temper!)
But what is the recourse if it is one's senior who does not care for anyone else but himself? Recent events have caused me to think of this a great deal, and I arrive at this conclusion: such people should be kept at a safe distance, and avoided if possible. For there is no reasoning with them. To change them is impossible; verbal suasion, a Herculean task. To teach or instruct them... What was that they said about old dogs?
And while I'm on this subject of self-preoccupation, it seems the the maturing of society has not translated th sam to its youth. The youths today are sickeningly self-centered, in a dangerously unconscious way. They are concerned for themselves alone: their results, their interests, their fun, their enjoyment. They see not what they are, and they know not how much they are forgoing. They live for the moment: to he'll with responsibility.
Is this to be said of our youths today? Or has it always been this way?
Regardless... I'm disappointed.
aw
If "disappointed" means not having one's expectations met, I'd say I'm justified in my feeling this way. I used to think that I could function without having any expectations (save myself), but I was wrong.
I realize now that I can no more remove expectations from my mind than I can remove my heart from my body. It seems that, in a strange twist of Newtonian (I think) law of motion, that every action has an equal and opposite expectation. Perhaps all of us do things in the hope of something, and that itself may be done subconsciously.
But perhaps I'm not referring to just an action-expectation contingency, but rather one of expecting a duty of care. I find that I often have an expectation (misplaced, no doubt) of those who are older than me, to show more care and concern. Surely, to expect that of the young would be to set oneself up for disappointment in no small measure.
If a child does not care for anyone else but himself, he needs to be taught.
If a youth does not care for anyone else but himself, he needs to be instructed.
If one's contemporary does not care for anyone else but himself, he needs to be advised (sometimes, with temper!)
But what is the recourse if it is one's senior who does not care for anyone else but himself? Recent events have caused me to think of this a great deal, and I arrive at this conclusion: such people should be kept at a safe distance, and avoided if possible. For there is no reasoning with them. To change them is impossible; verbal suasion, a Herculean task. To teach or instruct them... What was that they said about old dogs?
And while I'm on this subject of self-preoccupation, it seems the the maturing of society has not translated th sam to its youth. The youths today are sickeningly self-centered, in a dangerously unconscious way. They are concerned for themselves alone: their results, their interests, their fun, their enjoyment. They see not what they are, and they know not how much they are forgoing. They live for the moment: to he'll with responsibility.
Is this to be said of our youths today? Or has it always been this way?
Regardless... I'm disappointed.
aw
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Change, change, change Part II
I suddenly got it in my head that I should continue my "discourse" on change...
After my last post, I realised that I am surrounded by change, so I started thinking about what it was that made change such an unwelcome visitor to one's life. Here's what I got so far:
1. We are all creatures of habit.
Believe it or not, we like routine. There are the select few who claims that they thrive on change, and for a time, I thought I was such a person. However, a deeper reflection revealed that, while some may thrive on circumstantial change, many of the mundane things are very much routine. For example: the type of shampoo one uses, the kind of cereal one eats for breakfast, the type of clothes one wears... You get the idea.
While not conclusive, it appears to me that each of us need a certain routine in order to feel grounded, stable. Without such grounding, one can be quietly overwhelmed by latent stress, whose detection is often late (hence, the moniker "latent")' and then person already suffering some detriment.
In my roller coaster life, my routine involves sitting in my living room, and watching old episodes of "Star Trek", "Get Smart" or "Bionic Woman"... The fact that I've watched them before (many times!) seem to have a soothing effect upon my psyche, while not brining it to a complete stop, but at least to a fairly sedated state :)
2. Change = Uncertainty = Scary = Stress
Let's face it: change is scary... Because it represents uncertainty. Inasmuch as we try to look on the bright side of things, there is always the part about change that may be negative, or unfavorable. If we adhere to the axiom that "nothing in life is certain", then changes are bound to bring with it a certain amount of uncertainty, which leads to stress.
Mostly, in life, there is no sure thing. Thus the expression "Man proposes; God disposes". We can plan till we are blue in the face, but we will never be able to completely ameliorate uncertainty. Accepting that is the first step towards less stress in uncertain times.
I do, however, caution against a lackadaisical attitude, which may lead to a disastrous consequence. But I'll let that slide for now.
When dealing with uncertainty, my approach (which I readily accept as flawed) is always to deal with the situation with as much objectivity and logic, with as much input and feedback from my inner circle as possible. Often, I shelve my own feelings and emotions, which consequently get clogged up inside, and eventually, will demand its own attention.
Ok ok... So I'm a work in progress.
3. Change can be unexpected
Adding to the stresses that change can bring, sometimes, the suddenness by which the change presents itself is daunting. Often, it can be a swift call to action, that places tremendous stress upon one's mental faculties, financial resources, and emotional fortitude. Such changes often catch us on the defensive, in a state of little or no preparedness.
Personally, I dislike these kinds of changes the most.
It is bad enough to know that some changes are on the way; it is much worse when it comes out of nowhere and bites you in the ass. The pressure to make a good, informed choice that will do the most good, the least bad, that will result in a win-win for all is... quite impossible.
Times like these, I remember that I am human, born to make mistakes, and to just attune my learning antennas to assimilate whatever the situation is teaching me, knowing that everything is temporary, and that God who loves me is in control.
Well, that's about all I have for now... Shall write part III should I feel more change coming :)
aw
After my last post, I realised that I am surrounded by change, so I started thinking about what it was that made change such an unwelcome visitor to one's life. Here's what I got so far:
1. We are all creatures of habit.
Believe it or not, we like routine. There are the select few who claims that they thrive on change, and for a time, I thought I was such a person. However, a deeper reflection revealed that, while some may thrive on circumstantial change, many of the mundane things are very much routine. For example: the type of shampoo one uses, the kind of cereal one eats for breakfast, the type of clothes one wears... You get the idea.
While not conclusive, it appears to me that each of us need a certain routine in order to feel grounded, stable. Without such grounding, one can be quietly overwhelmed by latent stress, whose detection is often late (hence, the moniker "latent")' and then person already suffering some detriment.
In my roller coaster life, my routine involves sitting in my living room, and watching old episodes of "Star Trek", "Get Smart" or "Bionic Woman"... The fact that I've watched them before (many times!) seem to have a soothing effect upon my psyche, while not brining it to a complete stop, but at least to a fairly sedated state :)
2. Change = Uncertainty = Scary = Stress
Let's face it: change is scary... Because it represents uncertainty. Inasmuch as we try to look on the bright side of things, there is always the part about change that may be negative, or unfavorable. If we adhere to the axiom that "nothing in life is certain", then changes are bound to bring with it a certain amount of uncertainty, which leads to stress.
Mostly, in life, there is no sure thing. Thus the expression "Man proposes; God disposes". We can plan till we are blue in the face, but we will never be able to completely ameliorate uncertainty. Accepting that is the first step towards less stress in uncertain times.
I do, however, caution against a lackadaisical attitude, which may lead to a disastrous consequence. But I'll let that slide for now.
When dealing with uncertainty, my approach (which I readily accept as flawed) is always to deal with the situation with as much objectivity and logic, with as much input and feedback from my inner circle as possible. Often, I shelve my own feelings and emotions, which consequently get clogged up inside, and eventually, will demand its own attention.
Ok ok... So I'm a work in progress.
3. Change can be unexpected
Adding to the stresses that change can bring, sometimes, the suddenness by which the change presents itself is daunting. Often, it can be a swift call to action, that places tremendous stress upon one's mental faculties, financial resources, and emotional fortitude. Such changes often catch us on the defensive, in a state of little or no preparedness.
Personally, I dislike these kinds of changes the most.
It is bad enough to know that some changes are on the way; it is much worse when it comes out of nowhere and bites you in the ass. The pressure to make a good, informed choice that will do the most good, the least bad, that will result in a win-win for all is... quite impossible.
Times like these, I remember that I am human, born to make mistakes, and to just attune my learning antennas to assimilate whatever the situation is teaching me, knowing that everything is temporary, and that God who loves me is in control.
Well, that's about all I have for now... Shall write part III should I feel more change coming :)
aw
Monday, May 23, 2011
Change, change, change
They say that change is the only constant in life... They really know what they're talking about!
This year is definitely one that is marked with changes, of all shape, size and variety. I'll be the first to admit that I'm rather breathless (literally) from the myriad changes that is pouring into my life...
And in all aspects too.
It is already a difficult task to have change in one area of one's life, but several at a go? And all major ones at that! Frankly, I'm pretty much at the end of my tether; I'm so passed shock that I can barely move to react.
It certainly doesn't help the situations at all... If only all changes can be ( successfully) met with inaction; I'll be the most successful "changed" person ever. Alas! Such is not the case in the land of living, in the realm of the real.
I'll admit to difficulty in determining my course of action. The alternatives all seem rather untenable. Yet, I need to decide and I need to move. Of course, it would be wrong of me to say that all the situations weighing upon my shoulders are of equal consequence. Some are truly of my own doing; of those, I will surely grouse less about.
But the fact remains that all these changes do add up to stress. And despite my best attempts to alleviate my stres, I seem to meeting with little to no success. A trip to my Chinese physician confirmed my agitated state. All I hope now is that her prescriptives will do me some good. It is rather potent; I am sleeping more soundly these last two days (after months of restless sleep). The dreams however have become more vivid, and if I were to subscribe to the notion that dreams are the mind's way of purging excess/ negative emotions, then I must surely have a very sizable backlog!
I can hear the voices of my friends chanting "Too much! Too much!" of late, I have started to consider if I am in fact doing too much. But I ascribe such thoughts to my fatigued state and over-wrought mind. Let's see if a few more days of deep sleep and adequate food will change things :)
Hey! If change is a constant, then I'm making some for myself, right now!
Nitez!
aw
This year is definitely one that is marked with changes, of all shape, size and variety. I'll be the first to admit that I'm rather breathless (literally) from the myriad changes that is pouring into my life...
And in all aspects too.
It is already a difficult task to have change in one area of one's life, but several at a go? And all major ones at that! Frankly, I'm pretty much at the end of my tether; I'm so passed shock that I can barely move to react.
It certainly doesn't help the situations at all... If only all changes can be ( successfully) met with inaction; I'll be the most successful "changed" person ever. Alas! Such is not the case in the land of living, in the realm of the real.
I'll admit to difficulty in determining my course of action. The alternatives all seem rather untenable. Yet, I need to decide and I need to move. Of course, it would be wrong of me to say that all the situations weighing upon my shoulders are of equal consequence. Some are truly of my own doing; of those, I will surely grouse less about.
But the fact remains that all these changes do add up to stress. And despite my best attempts to alleviate my stres, I seem to meeting with little to no success. A trip to my Chinese physician confirmed my agitated state. All I hope now is that her prescriptives will do me some good. It is rather potent; I am sleeping more soundly these last two days (after months of restless sleep). The dreams however have become more vivid, and if I were to subscribe to the notion that dreams are the mind's way of purging excess/ negative emotions, then I must surely have a very sizable backlog!
I can hear the voices of my friends chanting "Too much! Too much!" of late, I have started to consider if I am in fact doing too much. But I ascribe such thoughts to my fatigued state and over-wrought mind. Let's see if a few more days of deep sleep and adequate food will change things :)
Hey! If change is a constant, then I'm making some for myself, right now!
Nitez!
aw
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Laughable!
Yes, it really is! I laugh at myself... or at least, now I am :)
I'm laughing at how easily affected I am :) After 33 years (and proud of it!), I am still affected by what people say, what others do, what happens to the ones I love... and after all this time, I don't think I'm going to change :)
Ok, that's unfair (to myself)... I have changed :) I think my ability to control my emotions is (finally!) a little more improved than before, something I am very thankful to God for (what? you thought I managed it on my own? ;) )
But still, I am still very much the same person I was 5, 10 years ago :) Still a sucker for hard-luck stories, still wanting to change the world (ok, pun intended), still believing (yes, yes... the pun continues), and still have no explanation (faintz!) for it all :)
And I guess, after wearing my heart on my sleeve for 33 years, it does have scars; lines of pain that is supposed to warn me away from certain things. Yet, so many of those scars are are not just unavoidable, but they form the basis of who I am :)
And so... ya, I'm laughing :) To myself, at myself... for myself :)
aw
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Stop Moving...
Yes... I need the things in my life to stop moving. It does sound very much like asking the Earth to stop spinning, but yet, it is (to me) most necessary...
To say that 2011 is a year of change would be a colossal understatement. Way way way too much has happened, both good and not so good. Regardless, both represents change. I know I sound very ungrateful when I say it like this, but this is how I feel: I am inundated by this whole miasma of shifting plates, never being able to stand still for a moment, not being able to catch my breath, not even being able to see what lies ahead...
I need to depend on God completely...
Too much is weighing upon me, all needing to be accounted for, all needing to be cared for, all needing... needing... needing... gosh! Yes, I know the human condition is all about needs... but I am human too.
I'm going to stop before I really start ranting; regardless of how I feel, this is still a public domain. I shall not allow my own demoralised spirit to spread to others (even though others have no compunction spreading theirs to everyone else).
I am not being noble when I say this; it is a matter of economy... If I fall, I'd rather fall alone.
aw
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Quandary
I know by now that life isn't easy. It's not meant to be... otherwise, we all stagnate and die. Ok, that I get...
What I don't get (yet) is why protecting oneself is so hard, and sometimes feels worse than that which I am protecting myself from?
Sometimes, I feel like I have a gene that's turned off. I've read of children born with their gene for feeling hunger turned off, so unless someone reminds them to eat regularly, they will starve to death.
I seem to have the gene for sensing danger turned off. There are many names for this condition: hypersensitivity, blind, unconscious... my favourite is "stupid".
But the good thing is: once I get hit, I learn... or at least I try.
Then the next cycle of crap begins... I try my hand at self-defence. Often, it means withdrawal. Depending on the injury, the withdrawal may be partial or total, protracted or swift.
All going well... until the old heart kicks in, and I start missing people...
So here I am trying to protect myself from some people, and yet I miss them... this is probably one of the most screwed-up feeling ever...
And so my head says "Keep far away and save your ass." and my heart is doing a risk-assessment on how much hit it can take.
Moral of the story: it's fatal to have a heart...
aw
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Song? Poem? Thoughts...
I don't think I've said "I love you" enough
Though I feel it in my heart, every day
I don't think I showed how much I love you
Because, for me, it's tough
But to come so close to losing you
So suddenly, so fast
I realise that life is not to be wasted on
Waiting... waiting
So let me say:
Every time I hold my head up high
And sing a note to heaven
Write a song with the words you gave me
Is so that you'll be proud of me
Every time I touch somebody's life
Through my action or my words
I'm doing it because I love you
And so you'll be proud of me
Though I may have given you
More heartache than I should
Made you cry more than I made you laugh
I don't think I've ever loved another
More than I love you
*****
I'd like to thank all my friends who supported me through these last 48 hours; it may not seem like much, but to me, it was very, very trying... Thank you all for understanding, and in your own ways, expressing your concern :)
Thank you, Jiu Jian dage... for always being so understanding towards me :) I'm very grateful to everything you have taught me, and I hope I have lived up to your expectations :)
Thank you Heavenly Father, for surrounding me with such wonderful people :)
aw
Friday, March 11, 2011
*WARNING* Frustrated Venting Ahead
And yes, I'm so totally frustrated I'm just about to burst, and what better way to do that then with a keyboard and a screen?
I guess there is only so much one can take upon one's shoulders at any one point in time... and when the going gets tough, it is when one can readily observe who around contributes to the issues, and who solves them; who are the angels with solutions on their wings, and who are the bloody idiots who leave their dead weight to drag the gasping breath from one's already weary lungs.
Surely, I have not always been the angel character, but I do try to be, more and more. The thing is: most people these days just don't give a damn. They care little about themselves, and even less about others. No sense of responsibility, no sense of urgency, no sense of friendship, no sense of accountability, no sense of situation, no sense of anything or anyone else but themselves. That's the good old selfish human nature for you... I, me, myself, and the rest of the world can go to hell.
Just some bloody help is all I ask... nothing difficult, nor tedious, nor labourious, nor excessively time-consuming, nor financially paralysing. Despite everything that I've done, and am trying to do, the help I require often gets prioritised to the pits. The bloody bottom. Every bloody thing else goes first, and I'm the idiot at the bottom.
There... therein lies the problem.
I started having expectations.
And paid for it in spades.
aw
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Things, things, and more things!
And yes, after that last entry (and the foray into the mandarin language), I'm back to good ole Queen's English, with a dash of sardonic wit and raucous humour (if I permit myself a little toot on my own trumpet) ;)
Things are getting hot.
The interesting thing about "thing" is that whatever we cannot (will not?) express sufficiently, we happily label as "thing" :) "Thing" here refers to any number of... things, like the upcoming musical I'm directing "The Adventures of Wei wei and Kang kang" (which is in *gasp* mandarin!), my work in empathy, my events from exousia, my students from Distinction (and then some!), and some new developments I've got planning... things!
Gosh, it does sound a lot, does it not? Came down with a slight cold today, and it's only because of the constant dripping of my blessed nose, that I took an antihistamine, which in turn, put me out of "productivity" mode into something closer to neanderthal; I spent a pleasant evening in a semi-lucid state, folding paper boxes (which is very therapeutic; highly recommended!)
Not going to complain about that; seems like the only way to stop this freight-train-paced lifestyle is to get the wind knocked out, and while gasping for respite, actually get some :)
Still, there is work to be done, and gosh, am I enthused (as much as that's possible at 12:29AM, post antihistamine). The days ahead are certainly most exciting, and I am looking forward to savouring each of them in turn :)
The only thing I really need to do is to keep my head about me (and to catch up with my friends, read the stack of books I bought since God-knows-when, watch the stack of DVDs I bought since God-knows-when) and take a deep breath every now and again :)
The year promises to be better than good; indeed "dripping with His goodness" does seem an appropriate preamble, no? I mean, dripping! My word!
Actually, it's His word ;)
aw
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