7 days... to the rest of my life

At the time of writing, I am tired (to the bones), almost hungry (strange) and mostly frustrated...

Guess there's plenty in recent days to make me tired and frustrated; hungry, I don't know... I'm usually hungry at this time. Back to tired and frustrated... as always: compound reasons.

I was just telling a friend of mine a few days back that I'm feeling very stressed out about my upcoming concert, and he astutely observed that I probably didn't have that much to do (non-concert related stuff, he meant) then (which was 2009) than I do now.

He's right.

These days, I frequently find myself inundated with work, out of breath and out of sorts. Not very good company am I these days either. Sure, I'm just as witty and amusing as ever, but it certainly "cost" more now. Truth is, I'm glad that people buy my little facade; saves me having to explain... Explanations can be tiring, and there goes the thought process behind my 3rd album.

I wish... really wish to get away from everything for a while. And think I must (and I use the word deliberately). I think I've been off balanced for too long, and I really need to take a break, catch my breath, regain my perspective, and maybe, start writing again.

Sometimes, I do wonder if it is worth it. The former "it" can (and does) refer to anything of consequence; the latter "it"... how do I put it? My money? My time? My heart? My soul?

All of the above.

aw

Time of the year, or just a tough year?

I've recently got to thinking: this has been a tough year. At least by my estimation. Which is quite strange given the year I had last...
In 2010, I had a solo concert performance, a major musical and a Christmas concert performance with my students. This year, I had zero concert performances (so far), no major musical production, no other performances apart from a few hosting engagements.
Yet, I maintain: this has been a tough year.
As with all things, it is a combination of factors: my mother's illness, my having to move office twice this year alone, my falling out with my business partner... I think these are the major events that really knocked the wind out of me (and pulled the carpet from under my feet, as it were). Of course, I did my best to cope, which was naturally difficult. Apart from having to hold down my day job (which involved a fair bit of managing clients, getting designs done on time, etc), doing my other "day" job as a tutor (on average, I have about 30 students of different secondary levels, each with unique and individual challenges), while trying to feed my soul as a musician.
I think my music took the brunt of the stresses; it was the one aspect which didn't have a tangible dollar value attached to it, and thus, was the easiest to put aside. But I am beginning to think otherwise.
At this moment, while I am feeling particularly emotional, I remember that I am now the same age as my Lord and Saviour Jesus was when He gave up His spirit for us all. I wonder if there is some connection, for surely His 33rd year must been the most difficult in His life. Certainly, I do not claim that what I went through was anything even remotely close to what He went through; I am merely entertaining a hypothesis that is laughable at best.
Whatever the case, there isn't much good to come from dwelling on the past. I am currently focusing on adjusting my life to one that is better for me... I think I owe myself that.
aw

Breaking form :)

Guess I've ranted enough in my last post, so I shall endeavour to do something else now: writing because I feel like it ;)

On the topic of writing, I find that I really do enjoy the process of putting words into forms such as poetry, stories, songs... whatever fits :) It is as if I have a singular voice, one that does not need to explain (No Explanation), that people understand (Someday), that can be sincere and true (Veritas)... haha! ;)

On the journey towards relaxation (as my less laboured breathing and ache-less chest can testify), I come to a realisation that perhaps would be obvious to many: I am very much an artistic soul.

I say that, not braggadociously, but merely as a statement of fact, or more correctly, of revelation :) I have not previously realise how much I needed my art, writing and composing in particular. Not having done that for the past year seemed to have caused a variety of unusual symptoms, such as lack of drive and motivation, loss of focus, general emotional constipation (no joke!)... I feel as if I'm holding something in, and it's stopping up the plumbing :(

So, in typical proactive fashion, I have going to re-prioritise :) Of course I understand I need to address the bread and butter issue, but I need to order my time better... I need to allocate time to MYSELF :)

Some would think this selfish; I think is imperative :) To me, it is imperative :) It's not that I love everything else less... it is just, perhaps, time to love myself more :)
That has always been the issue (I'm sure many would agree) :)

My new album is entitled "Walk Away"... and as I prepare to share it with the world, I am struck by how much it reflects my state in this time frame :) I need to walk away from those who hurt me; I need to walk away from things that do not edify me; I need to walk away from activities that only feed my body and not my soul :)

And while I'm on the topic of my new album, I can't help but talk about it some :)
It is, in so many ways, a breakthrough for me :) In creating this album, I had to overcome my age-old fear of trusting people :) God sent me a wonderful arranger, Julian Wong, who restored some of the trust I lost to others who were careless and malicious with my love and passion :) And so many others who gave so much to what is essentially my creation... I am overwhelmed by their dedication and commitment :)

And through it all, I had my special AW-esome group of kids :) They really are a bright spot in my life :) They are about to finish up their exams, and we haven't met up in over a month... I miss them terribly :)

They have inspired so much of who I am and what I do... even though they do drive me up the walls on occasions! Guess that's why I have a pair of bright red "Spiderman" shoes ;)

2011 has been a tough year; I was stressed out in areas I wasn't aware was stress-able! Family, career, relationships... but I choose to believe, that through it all, God is (was and always be) in complete control :) And that whatever had, is and will happen, happens exactly the way He intended it to be :)

And since I have it on good authority that my Heavenly Father loves me more than I can ever love anyone, I have every reason to believe that whatever happens next will be great beyond my imagination :)

Thus... I give myself permission to relax :) That's what my Heavenly Father wants me to do anyways :) So the rebel is on strike ;) Haha!

aw

This is getting to be a habit

And by "this", I mean ranting here in blogsphere. Nevertheless, I see little recourse, and therefore shall preamble no longer.

I recently found that I was having difficulty breathing. A quick visit to Doc#1 yielded a diagnosis that the haze had caused my sensitive sinus to flare up, resulting in excessive mucus secretion, which led to my lungs becoming a little congested. A standard battery of meds was prescribed, and I thought no more about it.

A few days later, to my disappointment, I was no better. Upon consultation with my mother, we decided that a trip to my family doc, Doc#2, was in order.

I made the trip the next day. Diagnosis was a slight flare up of my asthma, for which a strong corticol steriod was prescribed. Feeling somewhat more positive about this new set of meds, I went home and dutifully took the meds as instructed.

No better.

So two weeks after seeing Doc#2, I was having so much difficulty breathing that it actually hurt my chest and neck when I tried to inhale. Further conversation with my mum pointed to another visit to Doc#2, after which if I'm not better, to seek higher power, namely, a specialist.

Thinking about the dollars and cents, it made sense to hope that my second visit would fare better than the first.

In Doc#2's office for the second time, I was examined, and after a somewhat pensive pause, I was gently enquired if I was under stress. Always one for a witty repartee, I answered that in good old Singapore, who wasn't under stress?
Doc#2 laughed politely, then iterated that perhaps my increased stress level was causing me to experience a phenomenon known as "air hunger", where the body perceives a need for more oxygen than it does.

This is a direct result of the stress I was under; literally, I was drowning (albeit on dry land).

I was prescribed some tranquillisers, and told to get my stress under control. Muttering under my breath, I said that it's good advice; now how do I go about it? As usual, the older generation points to the promised land, but fails to deliver the map.

And so here I am: tranquilised because I'm stressed out. Thing is, thanks to my keen cognition (modesty is also tranquilised), I know exactly what's stressing me out. And yes, I can hear the people at the grandstand of my life saying I'm over-reacting, he's not worth it, I should just let go, life is too short to be angry, yadah yadah yadah...

It's not that I disagree. I agree wholeheartedly! The point is: these kind words cannot alter what I am feeling in terms of my emotions. If you are at this point wondering what I am talking about, suffice it to say that it involved another person, a business relationship, money and a severe lack of normal, human decency.

In short, I got stiffed.

And yes, that made me angry. Angry at being so stupid, I was taken advantage of (again!)... angry at how long it took for me to see this was happening... angry at having put in so much into what I thought was a good, solid relationship... angry at how blind I was.

I don't want to remain angry, but I don't know how to deal with this. It's making me sick, and I want it out of my system, but I seriously don't know how to achieve this.

So here I am: tranquilised, punching mindlessly at the keyboard, hoping that this barrage of emotional vitriol will have a cathartic effect.

At least this won't take my breath away...

aw

Disappointed

Here I am again, and the title of this post does say it all... I'm disappointed.
If "disappointed" means not having one's expectations met, I'd say I'm justified in my feeling this way. I used to think that I could function without having any expectations (save myself), but I was wrong.
I realize now that I can no more remove expectations from my mind than I can remove my heart from my body. It seems that, in a strange twist of Newtonian (I think) law of motion, that every action has an equal and opposite expectation. Perhaps all of us do things in the hope of something, and that itself may be done subconsciously.
But perhaps I'm not referring to just an action-expectation contingency, but rather one of expecting a duty of care. I find that I often have an expectation (misplaced, no doubt) of those who are older than me, to show more care and concern. Surely, to expect that of the young would be to set oneself up for disappointment in no small measure.
If a child does not care for anyone else but himself, he needs to be taught.
If a youth does not care for anyone else but himself, he needs to be instructed.
If one's contemporary does not care for anyone else but himself, he needs to be advised (sometimes, with temper!)
But what is the recourse if it is one's senior who does not care for anyone else but himself? Recent events have caused me to think of this a great deal, and I arrive at this conclusion: such people should be kept at a safe distance, and avoided if possible. For there is no reasoning with them. To change them is impossible; verbal suasion, a Herculean task. To teach or instruct them... What was that they said about old dogs?
And while I'm on this subject of self-preoccupation, it seems the the maturing of society has not translated th sam to its youth. The youths today are sickeningly self-centered, in a dangerously unconscious way. They are concerned for themselves alone: their results, their interests, their fun, their enjoyment. They see not what they are, and they know not how much they are forgoing. They live for the moment: to he'll with responsibility.
Is this to be said of our youths today? Or has it always been this way?
Regardless... I'm disappointed.
aw

Change, change, change Part II

I suddenly got it in my head that I should continue my "discourse" on change...

After my last post, I realised that I am surrounded by change, so I started thinking about what it was that made change such an unwelcome visitor to one's life. Here's what I got so far:

1. We are all creatures of habit.

Believe it or not, we like routine. There are the select few who claims that they thrive on change, and for a time, I thought I was such a person. However, a deeper reflection revealed that, while some may thrive on circumstantial change, many of the mundane things are very much routine. For example: the type of shampoo one uses, the kind of cereal one eats for breakfast, the type of clothes one wears... You get the idea.

While not conclusive, it appears to me that each of us need a certain routine in order to feel grounded, stable. Without such grounding, one can be quietly overwhelmed by latent stress, whose detection is often late (hence, the moniker "latent")' and then person already suffering some detriment.

In my roller coaster life, my routine involves sitting in my living room, and watching old episodes of "Star Trek", "Get Smart" or "Bionic Woman"... The fact that I've watched them before (many times!) seem to have a soothing effect upon my psyche, while not brining it to a complete stop, but at least to a fairly sedated state :)

2. Change = Uncertainty = Scary = Stress

Let's face it: change is scary... Because it represents uncertainty. Inasmuch as we try to look on the bright side of things, there is always the part about change that may be negative, or unfavorable. If we adhere to the axiom that "nothing in life is certain", then changes are bound to bring with it a certain amount of uncertainty, which leads to stress.

Mostly, in life, there is no sure thing. Thus the expression "Man proposes; God disposes". We can plan till we are blue in the face, but we will never be able to completely ameliorate uncertainty. Accepting that is the first step towards less stress in uncertain times.

I do, however, caution against a lackadaisical attitude, which may lead to a disastrous consequence. But I'll let that slide for now.

When dealing with uncertainty, my approach (which I readily accept as flawed) is always to deal with the situation with as much objectivity and logic, with as much input and feedback from my inner circle as possible. Often, I shelve my own feelings and emotions, which consequently get clogged up inside, and eventually, will demand its own attention.

Ok ok... So I'm a work in progress.

3. Change can be unexpected

Adding to the stresses that change can bring, sometimes, the suddenness by which the change presents itself is daunting. Often, it can be a swift call to action, that places tremendous stress upon one's mental faculties, financial resources, and emotional fortitude. Such changes often catch us on the defensive, in a state of little or no preparedness.

Personally, I dislike these kinds of changes the most.

It is bad enough to know that some changes are on the way; it is much worse when it comes out of nowhere and bites you in the ass. The pressure to make a good, informed choice that will do the most good, the least bad, that will result in a win-win for all is... quite impossible.

Times like these, I remember that I am human, born to make mistakes, and to just attune my learning antennas to assimilate whatever the situation is teaching me, knowing that everything is temporary, and that God who loves me is in control.

Well, that's about all I have for now... Shall write part III should I feel more change coming :)

aw

Change, change, change

They say that change is the only constant in life... They really know what they're talking about!

This year is definitely one that is marked with changes, of all shape, size and variety. I'll be the first to admit that I'm rather breathless (literally) from the myriad changes that is pouring into my life...

And in all aspects too.

It is already a difficult task to have change in one area of one's life, but several at a go? And all major ones at that! Frankly, I'm pretty much at the end of my tether; I'm so passed shock that I can barely move to react.

It certainly doesn't help the situations at all... If only all changes can be ( successfully) met with inaction; I'll be the most successful "changed" person ever. Alas! Such is not the case in the land of living, in the realm of the real.

I'll admit to difficulty in determining my course of action. The alternatives all seem rather untenable. Yet, I need to decide and I need to move. Of course, it would be wrong of me to say that all the situations weighing upon my shoulders are of equal consequence. Some are truly of my own doing; of those, I will surely grouse less about.

But the fact remains that all these changes do add up to stress. And despite my best attempts to alleviate my stres, I seem to meeting with little to no success. A trip to my Chinese physician confirmed my agitated state. All I hope now is that her prescriptives will do me some good. It is rather potent; I am sleeping more soundly these last two days (after months of restless sleep). The dreams however have become more vivid, and if I were to subscribe to the notion that dreams are the mind's way of purging excess/ negative emotions, then I must surely have a very sizable backlog!

I can hear the voices of my friends chanting "Too much! Too much!" of late, I have started to consider if I am in fact doing too much. But I ascribe such thoughts to my fatigued state and over-wrought mind. Let's see if a few more days of deep sleep and adequate food will change things :)

Hey! If change is a constant, then I'm making some for myself, right now!

Nitez!

aw