Change, change, change Part II

I suddenly got it in my head that I should continue my "discourse" on change...

After my last post, I realised that I am surrounded by change, so I started thinking about what it was that made change such an unwelcome visitor to one's life. Here's what I got so far:

1. We are all creatures of habit.

Believe it or not, we like routine. There are the select few who claims that they thrive on change, and for a time, I thought I was such a person. However, a deeper reflection revealed that, while some may thrive on circumstantial change, many of the mundane things are very much routine. For example: the type of shampoo one uses, the kind of cereal one eats for breakfast, the type of clothes one wears... You get the idea.

While not conclusive, it appears to me that each of us need a certain routine in order to feel grounded, stable. Without such grounding, one can be quietly overwhelmed by latent stress, whose detection is often late (hence, the moniker "latent")' and then person already suffering some detriment.

In my roller coaster life, my routine involves sitting in my living room, and watching old episodes of "Star Trek", "Get Smart" or "Bionic Woman"... The fact that I've watched them before (many times!) seem to have a soothing effect upon my psyche, while not brining it to a complete stop, but at least to a fairly sedated state :)

2. Change = Uncertainty = Scary = Stress

Let's face it: change is scary... Because it represents uncertainty. Inasmuch as we try to look on the bright side of things, there is always the part about change that may be negative, or unfavorable. If we adhere to the axiom that "nothing in life is certain", then changes are bound to bring with it a certain amount of uncertainty, which leads to stress.

Mostly, in life, there is no sure thing. Thus the expression "Man proposes; God disposes". We can plan till we are blue in the face, but we will never be able to completely ameliorate uncertainty. Accepting that is the first step towards less stress in uncertain times.

I do, however, caution against a lackadaisical attitude, which may lead to a disastrous consequence. But I'll let that slide for now.

When dealing with uncertainty, my approach (which I readily accept as flawed) is always to deal with the situation with as much objectivity and logic, with as much input and feedback from my inner circle as possible. Often, I shelve my own feelings and emotions, which consequently get clogged up inside, and eventually, will demand its own attention.

Ok ok... So I'm a work in progress.

3. Change can be unexpected

Adding to the stresses that change can bring, sometimes, the suddenness by which the change presents itself is daunting. Often, it can be a swift call to action, that places tremendous stress upon one's mental faculties, financial resources, and emotional fortitude. Such changes often catch us on the defensive, in a state of little or no preparedness.

Personally, I dislike these kinds of changes the most.

It is bad enough to know that some changes are on the way; it is much worse when it comes out of nowhere and bites you in the ass. The pressure to make a good, informed choice that will do the most good, the least bad, that will result in a win-win for all is... quite impossible.

Times like these, I remember that I am human, born to make mistakes, and to just attune my learning antennas to assimilate whatever the situation is teaching me, knowing that everything is temporary, and that God who loves me is in control.

Well, that's about all I have for now... Shall write part III should I feel more change coming :)

aw

Change, change, change

They say that change is the only constant in life... They really know what they're talking about!

This year is definitely one that is marked with changes, of all shape, size and variety. I'll be the first to admit that I'm rather breathless (literally) from the myriad changes that is pouring into my life...

And in all aspects too.

It is already a difficult task to have change in one area of one's life, but several at a go? And all major ones at that! Frankly, I'm pretty much at the end of my tether; I'm so passed shock that I can barely move to react.

It certainly doesn't help the situations at all... If only all changes can be ( successfully) met with inaction; I'll be the most successful "changed" person ever. Alas! Such is not the case in the land of living, in the realm of the real.

I'll admit to difficulty in determining my course of action. The alternatives all seem rather untenable. Yet, I need to decide and I need to move. Of course, it would be wrong of me to say that all the situations weighing upon my shoulders are of equal consequence. Some are truly of my own doing; of those, I will surely grouse less about.

But the fact remains that all these changes do add up to stress. And despite my best attempts to alleviate my stres, I seem to meeting with little to no success. A trip to my Chinese physician confirmed my agitated state. All I hope now is that her prescriptives will do me some good. It is rather potent; I am sleeping more soundly these last two days (after months of restless sleep). The dreams however have become more vivid, and if I were to subscribe to the notion that dreams are the mind's way of purging excess/ negative emotions, then I must surely have a very sizable backlog!

I can hear the voices of my friends chanting "Too much! Too much!" of late, I have started to consider if I am in fact doing too much. But I ascribe such thoughts to my fatigued state and over-wrought mind. Let's see if a few more days of deep sleep and adequate food will change things :)

Hey! If change is a constant, then I'm making some for myself, right now!

Nitez!

aw

Laughable!

Yes, it really is! I laugh at myself... or at least, now I am :)

I'm laughing at how easily affected I am :) After 33 years (and proud of it!), I am still affected by what people say, what others do, what happens to the ones I love... and after all this time, I don't think I'm going to change :)

Ok, that's unfair (to myself)... I have changed :) I think my ability to control my emotions is (finally!) a little more improved than before, something I am very thankful to God for (what? you thought I managed it on my own? ;) )

But still, I am still very much the same person I was 5, 10 years ago :) Still a sucker for hard-luck stories, still wanting to change the world (ok, pun intended), still believing (yes, yes... the pun continues), and still have no explanation (faintz!) for it all :)

And I guess, after wearing my heart on my sleeve for 33 years, it does have scars; lines of pain that is supposed to warn me away from certain things. Yet, so many of those scars are are not just unavoidable, but they form the basis of who I am :)

And so... ya, I'm laughing :) To myself, at myself... for myself :)

aw

Stop Moving...

Yes... I need the things in my life to stop moving. It does sound very much like asking the Earth to stop spinning, but yet, it is (to me) most necessary...

To say that 2011 is a year of change would be a colossal understatement. Way way way too much has happened, both good and not so good. Regardless, both represents change. I know I sound very ungrateful when I say it like this, but this is how I feel: I am inundated by this whole miasma of shifting plates, never being able to stand still for a moment, not being able to catch my breath, not even being able to see what lies ahead...

I need to depend on God completely...

Too much is weighing upon me, all needing to be accounted for, all needing to be cared for, all needing... needing... needing... gosh! Yes, I know the human condition is all about needs... but I am human too.

I'm going to stop before I really start ranting; regardless of how I feel, this is still a public domain. I shall not allow my own demoralised spirit to spread to others (even though others have no compunction spreading theirs to everyone else).

I am not being noble when I say this; it is a matter of economy... If I fall, I'd rather fall alone.

aw

Quandary

I know by now that life isn't easy. It's not meant to be... otherwise, we all stagnate and die. Ok, that I get...

What I don't get (yet) is why protecting oneself is so hard, and sometimes feels worse than that which I am protecting myself from?

Sometimes, I feel like I have a gene that's turned off. I've read of children born with their gene for feeling hunger turned off, so unless someone reminds them to eat regularly, they will starve to death.

I seem to have the gene for sensing danger turned off. There are many names for this condition: hypersensitivity, blind, unconscious... my favourite is "stupid".

But the good thing is: once I get hit, I learn... or at least I try.

Then the next cycle of crap begins... I try my hand at self-defence. Often, it means withdrawal. Depending on the injury, the withdrawal may be partial or total, protracted or swift.

All going well... until the old heart kicks in, and I start missing people...

So here I am trying to protect myself from some people, and yet I miss them... this is probably one of the most screwed-up feeling ever...

And so my head says "Keep far away and save your ass." and my heart is doing a risk-assessment on how much hit it can take.

Moral of the story: it's fatal to have a heart...

aw

Song? Poem? Thoughts...

I don't think I've said "I love you" enough

Though I feel it in my heart, every day

I don't think I showed how much I love you

Because, for me, it's tough

But to come so close to losing you

So suddenly, so fast

I realise that life is not to be wasted on

Waiting... waiting

So let me say:

Every time I hold my head up high

And sing a note to heaven

Write a song with the words you gave me

Is so that you'll be proud of me

Every time I touch somebody's life

Through my action or my words

I'm doing it because I love you

And so you'll be proud of me

Though I may have given you

More heartache than I should

Made you cry more than I made you laugh

I don't think I've ever loved another

More than I love you

*****

I'd like to thank all my friends who supported me through these last 48 hours; it may not seem like much, but to me, it was very, very trying... Thank you all for understanding, and in your own ways, expressing your concern :)

Thank you, Jiu Jian dage... for always being so understanding towards me :) I'm very grateful to everything you have taught me, and I hope I have lived up to your expectations :)

Thank you Heavenly Father, for surrounding me with such wonderful people :)

aw

*WARNING* Frustrated Venting Ahead

And yes, I'm so totally frustrated I'm just about to burst, and what better way to do that then with a keyboard and a screen?

I guess there is only so much one can take upon one's shoulders at any one point in time... and when the going gets tough, it is when one can readily observe who around contributes to the issues, and who solves them; who are the angels with solutions on their wings, and who are the bloody idiots who leave their dead weight to drag the gasping breath from one's already weary lungs.

Surely, I have not always been the angel character, but I do try to be, more and more. The thing is: most people these days just don't give a damn. They care little about themselves, and even less about others. No sense of responsibility, no sense of urgency, no sense of friendship, no sense of accountability, no sense of situation, no sense of anything or anyone else but themselves. That's the good old selfish human nature for you... I, me, myself, and the rest of the world can go to hell.

Just some bloody help is all I ask... nothing difficult, nor tedious, nor labourious, nor excessively time-consuming, nor financially paralysing. Despite everything that I've done, and am trying to do, the help I require often gets prioritised to the pits. The bloody bottom. Every bloody thing else goes first, and I'm the idiot at the bottom.

There... therein lies the problem.

I started having expectations.

And paid for it in spades.

aw