The Complexities of Life

You know, sometimes, you are able to look at yourself from the outside in, almost like observing yourself in action? In a similar fashion, I am able to do that with my thoughts...

I am surprised to see how differently I am thinking these days... certainly, my thoughts now are much less chaotic than in the past (thankfully!). However, there are some things that don't change.

For example, I am still more keenly aware of darker feelings (sadness, loneliness, etc) than lighter ones. It is almost as if I like feeling sad (irony!)... and in the great contradiction of life, I often appreciate the times when I am alone, even though in my heart of hearts, I am terrified of loneliness...

Life has gotten more complex... somewhat. I remember that the bane of my existence back them days was the lighting of a match. I had this phobia (read: irrational fear) of striking a match, and as the day of my 'O' level science practical exam drew near, I was in a catch 22 situation: get past my phobia, or fail the science practical. The alternative was to pray for a practical exam question that didn't involve the lighting of the bunsen burner! Didn't like the odds of that, so...

I locked myself in my room one after, with a box of matches in my hand. It took me close to an hour before I could even pull the match against the side of the box. Another nerve-wrecking 4 minutes before I could light it. Then the second... third...

The thing is, even after all these years (of course I got past the science practical), all these years of lighting candles on birthday cakes, recently, when I tried to light a scented candle in my room, I felt a fresh wave of an old fear. It seemed that each time I tried to light the match, it was proving my having conquered that old fear. Anyway, the dang match didn't light after innumerable strikes; I settled for some room perfume ;)

As life progresses, and consequently, gets more complex, inadvertently, one tend towards regressing to what is safe and familiar. I am no exception... I find great comfort in the old things: old books, old CDs, old shows... and old songs I've written.

And speaking of songs, I shall ask God to allow me more time to return to my music :) The inner longing to express in music and lyrics is as strong as ever; the contingency is time. I truly miss the days when I could just stay at home all day, and write :)

I shall pray, and those days will come again :) Till that blessed day, I shall just blog ;)

Nitez :)

aw

Random Thoughts (after a long day!)

Hi hi :) I find myself eating dumplings while watching "After the Funeral", based on Agatha Christie's murder novel of the same name, and featuring my favourite detective, Hercule Poirot :)

This after going to work, then to rehearsal (for Jiu Jian's new children's musical "The Adventures of Wei Wei and Kang Kang) :) Top it all off, my dad's 70th birthday celebration :)

70 years... what an achievement! And I don't mean the mere arrival at that age (although that is a cause for celebration!) :) I am more referring to the amount of success my dad enjoys at 70 :) If a man's success is measured by the amount of love he engenders from his friends, his family... I feel my dad has succeeded beyond imagination :) Surely, this is the prosperity that God promised :)

It is about people, isn't it? After all that's said and done, it is about people. I often wonder to myself what everyone thinks about. It is a rather strange thought, I'll admit... but don't we all do that at some point? Would they be thinking about... their next meal, money, love, companionship, what to wear... all of the above? :) And then I wonder... how often do people think of people :)

I would like to live my life thinking about people :) Certainly, God has blessed me with many people to think about :) I have my family, my students, my business partners, and (dare I say) my fans? :)

My teen years, and indeed, my twenties, were difficult years. In the perfect vision that is retrospect, I realise that it is because I was too concerned with myself... with my pain, my hardship, my wants, my needs... my, my, my! What a mess!

True joy came when I started to think about others :) It took me out of myself, and put my energies towards others :) And imagine, it made me happy! :) Haha! What a hoot! :)

Maybe I should rename this post "It's about people", but I shall save that propitious title for a longer elaboration :)

In the meantime, remember: it's about the people :)

Shalom!

aw

Goodbye 2010; Hello 2011!! :)

And... here I am again :) Disappeared since August something 2010, and popped up in 2011 :) Pardon pardon, but the latter part of last year was just too exciting, and consequently, too busy, which is why I'm only able to blog now :)

2010 was an awesome year :) Apart from having two ticketed concerts ("No Explanation - Alex Wang Live" and "Christmas with Alex Wang") and a huge ticketed musical ("Believe"), empathy.productions also did very well :) Praise the Lord! :)

My 2011 started rather uneventfully :) I must admit that I didn't feel its arrival much; it just was :) Nothing wrong with that; wasn't expecting anything really :)

I'm really glad to have marked the first week of 2011 with the writing of songs :) Due to my hectic schedule, I didn't manage to write very much at all in 2010 (with the exception of those featured in "Believe"!) :)

Thankfully, I haven't lost my touch :) I don't take my songwriting for granted; on the contrary, I take it very seriously, and am so glad that I haven't lost it :) Whether the songs are nice or not, I'll leave it to you (if it ever gets released, that is!) :)

2011 isn't all wonderful, but then, life seldom is :) Received some news that rather caught me by surprise. Perhaps I should have (or did) see it coming; again, I'm amazed at how we are able to see/hear only what we want to...

Not going to go into the details here, but I'll admit to being somewhat upset by this. I'm not sure if it's my ego, or the suddenness of it (probably a combination of the two)...

I think that when we care for any one person, we put a little (or a lot) of our emotional well-being in their hands. And sometimes, they don't handle it very well on our behalf. Vice versa hold true, which reminds me of one of my favourite phrases: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Despite acting out of the very best of intentions, and with the very best interests, sometimes, the results are not satisfactory. In such a situation, I'll say "At least the intentions were good". Certainly, a fallible human being, fully capable of making mistakes, cannot be expected to do perfectly correct actions at all times. However, having the "best intentions" surely helps to reduce the sting a little :)

Perhaps I'm trying to comfort myself... I don't know. I hope I receive a satisfactory conclusion to this episode soon; I dislike mysterious circumstances.

Regardless, I am very thankful for making it into 2011 :) My Heavenly Father and my Lord Jesus have been very very good to me in 2010, and knowing Them, they have plenty more good things in store for me in 2011 :)

So here's to you: May your 2011 be the year where you find true joy and peace :)

Shalom!

aw

Dazed but not confused (ok, I lie)

Yet another cryptic post title... it's starting to be my style (as if that is not indicative enough of the content of this post!) ;)

Oh well, what the hell do I know? Here I am, watching "The Nanny", eating lo-mai-kai (after ingesting 1/4 of my super-happy-pill [for those in the know!]) and typing on my netbook, bemoaning the "sad" state of my life...

Ok, that's unfair... my life isn't sad. It's just... strange? Weird? Erratic? All of the above? All of the above! At the very least, my life is tiring... I'm tired. Ya, ya, ya... what's new right?

Things been moving so quickly lately, not that it's a bad thing... it isn't bad at all :) I'm glad to have these projects (that translates to business, that translates to money, that translates to less debt... yadayadayada...) I guess it's just a lot for me at this point in my life :)

So I thought I'd list down the things I have to do... I hear people doing that when they're innundated with work (it's supposed to give them some perspective!)...

Nah... on second thoughts, I should just end this ridiculously directionless post, and go to bed :) Hey, that's the best idea I've had all week :) Thank God for inspiration!

Nite all!

aw :)

Complicated (but it shouldn't be)

Or maybe it should be. Life is known to be complicated, so why complain when it is so?

Because it's frustrating. Because it gets under my skin (yes, yes, it's from that dang song of mine). Because it sometimes makes me wonder why the hell I bother...

And what causes complications? Expectations. In the past, I'd kid myself saying "I have no expectations", which is of course a complete and utter lie. There canNOT be an absence of expectations. Everyone expects something of someone or the other. Even a non-reaction is an expectation.

You know, I realise something interesting lately... the more I live, the more I realise how powerful words are, and in recognition of that power, become increasingly afraid to use them. One of the words I've come to fear is "love"...

I don't think I dare to say it anymore, because of expectations. Think about it: can you say it without expecting something in return? Was it designed that way, to always require something in return? Or am I stuck (mentally, emotionally) in this neurosis that love (if not the emotion, then the word) needs always be returned?

But having said that, isn't it a natural human instinct to want to be loved? To be recognised? To be affirmed? To be validated? To be cherished? To be nurtured? To be treasured? Are these things too much to ask?

I sometimes think so...

At least for me, I think so... perhaps I already have too much, and to ask for more is just being greedy. I cannot dispute that I am very blessed: I have a wonderful family (my parents, brothers, sisters-in-laws, nephews, neice), enough money to get by, fully functioning mind and body... perhaps that is enough.

*Sigh* from an oddly third-person point of view, I sometimes wonder how long more will I rant away at my blog? And how long more I will be alone, and lonely?

aw

Burnt Out

Hi... here I am again. And yes, I burnt out... again.

I can only recall two burn outs of any consequence in my life, but I don't quite remember when they occurred.

I do remember that it was quite terrible as I wasn't able to do anything: sleeping just made me more tired, and I was productively at a standstill. Quite hellish for productivity-crazy me!

It is a matter of time, I guess. I should have seen this coming (and yes, I did), but I just ignored many of the signs. Yes, that makes me stupid too :) Oh well, like it or not, burnt out I am... now all that's left to do is to get better.

Which is perhaps a little easier said than done. The mechanics of life doesn't stop simply because I'm burnt out. In typical life fashion, it chugs quietly and steadily, ever ahead. Life goes on...

Still, I need to find some time to rest and recover; maybe I shouldn't blog so much then! I need to re-pace myself if I am to see this production to the end. It is another two odd months to go, and still so very much more to be done.

But it will not do my team any good if I'm gloomy and moody all the time (I'm not there yet, but boy am I getting close!). They have already put up with a lot; they certainly don't need to put up with my erratic moods.

So here I am, trying to save everyone from me! Haha! Amusing idea, but true nevertheless.

More sleep... I hope it is as simple as that. I'm starting to write again, which I suppose is a good sign.

I need to get my emotions under better control; these days, the slightest thing set me off. And I don't like it... it's unfair and unhealthy.

Our roadshows are a few hours away... I know I should be so excited about it. I am, intellectually at least. But my emotions are, shall we say, spent.

Lord, if there's one person who can help me now, it's You :) Best part is: You already have :)

Thank you... I'm off to rest :)

aw

Another one!?

Indeed! 2 blog entries in as many days! What a shock! This could either mean I am exceedingly free (a quaint idea, for those who know better!) or...

Well, let's not speculate... I'm merely here to ventilate, something that I should have done earlier perhaps... regardless, this looks set to be yet another mindless post :)

I had the good opportunity of dining with my PA, Alvin tonight :) It's not often we have the luxury of dining together, and in such a propitious occasion, we found ourselves at Marche at 313@Somerset (or is it the other way around?)... anyway...

Marche holds much special meaning for me: it was there where I spent many happy moments with friends, and drowned (quite literally!) many sad moments. Anthropomorphising, Marche has been very kind to me :)

And so I find myself with Alvin at Marche, and once again, I struck by the many realities of life, more precisely, my life.

Nothing's changed.

Surely, I did not mean that literally. I meant that, in the course of 2-3 years, I am essentially the same person. The spirits did much to liberate my mind from the shackles of deceit with which I imprison myself, for no better reason than to gain momentary reprieve from a pain most assiduous.

"Assiduous"... what a beautiful word. Almost as beautiful as the pain it describes. Unremitting, unrelenting, unceasing.

But I exaggerate. It is not as bad as I present it. It merely feels so...

I often wonder if I am feeling more than others, or is what I am feeling, more than others? But what of it? I am still left with my own, on my own.

I am suddenly very tired... must be the weather (how convenient!)... besides, what's the point? My best intentions are not nearly good enough, so what's the point?

I ask, but I dare not await the answer...

aw