The Complexities of Life

You know, sometimes, you are able to look at yourself from the outside in, almost like observing yourself in action? In a similar fashion, I am able to do that with my thoughts...

I am surprised to see how differently I am thinking these days... certainly, my thoughts now are much less chaotic than in the past (thankfully!). However, there are some things that don't change.

For example, I am still more keenly aware of darker feelings (sadness, loneliness, etc) than lighter ones. It is almost as if I like feeling sad (irony!)... and in the great contradiction of life, I often appreciate the times when I am alone, even though in my heart of hearts, I am terrified of loneliness...

Life has gotten more complex... somewhat. I remember that the bane of my existence back them days was the lighting of a match. I had this phobia (read: irrational fear) of striking a match, and as the day of my 'O' level science practical exam drew near, I was in a catch 22 situation: get past my phobia, or fail the science practical. The alternative was to pray for a practical exam question that didn't involve the lighting of the bunsen burner! Didn't like the odds of that, so...

I locked myself in my room one after, with a box of matches in my hand. It took me close to an hour before I could even pull the match against the side of the box. Another nerve-wrecking 4 minutes before I could light it. Then the second... third...

The thing is, even after all these years (of course I got past the science practical), all these years of lighting candles on birthday cakes, recently, when I tried to light a scented candle in my room, I felt a fresh wave of an old fear. It seemed that each time I tried to light the match, it was proving my having conquered that old fear. Anyway, the dang match didn't light after innumerable strikes; I settled for some room perfume ;)

As life progresses, and consequently, gets more complex, inadvertently, one tend towards regressing to what is safe and familiar. I am no exception... I find great comfort in the old things: old books, old CDs, old shows... and old songs I've written.

And speaking of songs, I shall ask God to allow me more time to return to my music :) The inner longing to express in music and lyrics is as strong as ever; the contingency is time. I truly miss the days when I could just stay at home all day, and write :)

I shall pray, and those days will come again :) Till that blessed day, I shall just blog ;)

Nitez :)

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