Thoughts

It is finally December, and the closing of the year 2011. It isn't without some relief that the year is ending... While it certainly had some high points, I think the not so nice ones rather eclipsed the former.

And it is in December that I have finally gotten a chance to catch my breath, and it seems much harder than before. Not the literal catching of breath, but finding the time to do so. I feel like I needed to fight off all the other commitments I have in my life just to eke out a few days to myself. Which is essentially what I have done... Because I realise that this is the first lull period I have had this year, and while it is late, I am glad for it.

I've been fighting off this lingering fatigue which has plagued me for many months, and I'm finally getting a few days of sleep-ins... The idea of not having to wake up in the morning is enough to keep me awake! Haha! :)

As part of my rest and relaxation regime, I've been catching up on all the DVDs I've bought but not watched :) and once again, I'm amazed at what can be conveyed through excellent writing, direction and portrayal :) through the medium of screen, lives are lived, wars are fought and lost, love experienced and grieved, destinys fulfilled and destroyed :)

That makes me very proud to be an artiste :) and who knows? With a little rest, I may yet have another story to tell, another song to sing... another adventure to go on :)

Join me? :)

aw

Pause to Ponder :)

Right now, I am sitting in my room, sipping a glass of merlot, contemplating eating some chocolates (now that I can) and watching "Star Trek: Voyager" :)
As you can tell, I am certainly relaxed :)
With the stresses of recent projects over, and the successful completion of my "Absolutely! Live 2011" concert, there is just cause for ostensible relaxation :)
I've been thinking about my concert since its conclusion last night :) I can still see it in vivid detail: the stage, lights, the audience... certainly a night to remember!
In many ways, the concert is a milestone for me. On a personal level, it is a crossing of barriers: proving to myself that my idea of a terrific concert really works :) It is also a test of my physical, mental and vocal tenacity... to see if I am able to perform as I have seen myself in my mind countless times over the many years :) I am happy to report that I have done just that... not boastfully, but gratefully acknowledging how blessed I am to have gotten this far :)
Conceptually, the concert was outstanding: we started with two energetic dance routines, quickly followed by a song with a video presentation. Slower songs had beautiful light accompaniment, as well as dance :) After the intermission, the show went into a different mood: light and easy, with an acoustic number in the middle and a fashion show at the end!
All in all, quite a show :)
Although ticket sales were dismal, I have fulfilled all other objectives: I worked with great people; I've put up a great show; I pushed my limits and upped my confidence; I got through a very tough period in my life... and I enjoyed myself :)
I now sit in anticipation of the pictures and videos that will soon arrive :) Chewing on my chocolate (yes, I've yielded!), having exit my stressful period... I am taking this moment to enjoy the serenity of completion, of having the luxury of a few empty moments to keep to myself, and the wonderful opportunity of looking into the future and planning what I should do next... ;)
Keep your eyes here... who knows what I'll be doing next? ;)
aw
p/s: a quick but sincere thank you to all of you who believed in me; I am a product of your faith :)

7 days... to the rest of my life

At the time of writing, I am tired (to the bones), almost hungry (strange) and mostly frustrated...

Guess there's plenty in recent days to make me tired and frustrated; hungry, I don't know... I'm usually hungry at this time. Back to tired and frustrated... as always: compound reasons.

I was just telling a friend of mine a few days back that I'm feeling very stressed out about my upcoming concert, and he astutely observed that I probably didn't have that much to do (non-concert related stuff, he meant) then (which was 2009) than I do now.

He's right.

These days, I frequently find myself inundated with work, out of breath and out of sorts. Not very good company am I these days either. Sure, I'm just as witty and amusing as ever, but it certainly "cost" more now. Truth is, I'm glad that people buy my little facade; saves me having to explain... Explanations can be tiring, and there goes the thought process behind my 3rd album.

I wish... really wish to get away from everything for a while. And think I must (and I use the word deliberately). I think I've been off balanced for too long, and I really need to take a break, catch my breath, regain my perspective, and maybe, start writing again.

Sometimes, I do wonder if it is worth it. The former "it" can (and does) refer to anything of consequence; the latter "it"... how do I put it? My money? My time? My heart? My soul?

All of the above.

aw

Time of the year, or just a tough year?

I've recently got to thinking: this has been a tough year. At least by my estimation. Which is quite strange given the year I had last...
In 2010, I had a solo concert performance, a major musical and a Christmas concert performance with my students. This year, I had zero concert performances (so far), no major musical production, no other performances apart from a few hosting engagements.
Yet, I maintain: this has been a tough year.
As with all things, it is a combination of factors: my mother's illness, my having to move office twice this year alone, my falling out with my business partner... I think these are the major events that really knocked the wind out of me (and pulled the carpet from under my feet, as it were). Of course, I did my best to cope, which was naturally difficult. Apart from having to hold down my day job (which involved a fair bit of managing clients, getting designs done on time, etc), doing my other "day" job as a tutor (on average, I have about 30 students of different secondary levels, each with unique and individual challenges), while trying to feed my soul as a musician.
I think my music took the brunt of the stresses; it was the one aspect which didn't have a tangible dollar value attached to it, and thus, was the easiest to put aside. But I am beginning to think otherwise.
At this moment, while I am feeling particularly emotional, I remember that I am now the same age as my Lord and Saviour Jesus was when He gave up His spirit for us all. I wonder if there is some connection, for surely His 33rd year must been the most difficult in His life. Certainly, I do not claim that what I went through was anything even remotely close to what He went through; I am merely entertaining a hypothesis that is laughable at best.
Whatever the case, there isn't much good to come from dwelling on the past. I am currently focusing on adjusting my life to one that is better for me... I think I owe myself that.
aw

Breaking form :)

Guess I've ranted enough in my last post, so I shall endeavour to do something else now: writing because I feel like it ;)

On the topic of writing, I find that I really do enjoy the process of putting words into forms such as poetry, stories, songs... whatever fits :) It is as if I have a singular voice, one that does not need to explain (No Explanation), that people understand (Someday), that can be sincere and true (Veritas)... haha! ;)

On the journey towards relaxation (as my less laboured breathing and ache-less chest can testify), I come to a realisation that perhaps would be obvious to many: I am very much an artistic soul.

I say that, not braggadociously, but merely as a statement of fact, or more correctly, of revelation :) I have not previously realise how much I needed my art, writing and composing in particular. Not having done that for the past year seemed to have caused a variety of unusual symptoms, such as lack of drive and motivation, loss of focus, general emotional constipation (no joke!)... I feel as if I'm holding something in, and it's stopping up the plumbing :(

So, in typical proactive fashion, I have going to re-prioritise :) Of course I understand I need to address the bread and butter issue, but I need to order my time better... I need to allocate time to MYSELF :)

Some would think this selfish; I think is imperative :) To me, it is imperative :) It's not that I love everything else less... it is just, perhaps, time to love myself more :)
That has always been the issue (I'm sure many would agree) :)

My new album is entitled "Walk Away"... and as I prepare to share it with the world, I am struck by how much it reflects my state in this time frame :) I need to walk away from those who hurt me; I need to walk away from things that do not edify me; I need to walk away from activities that only feed my body and not my soul :)

And while I'm on the topic of my new album, I can't help but talk about it some :)
It is, in so many ways, a breakthrough for me :) In creating this album, I had to overcome my age-old fear of trusting people :) God sent me a wonderful arranger, Julian Wong, who restored some of the trust I lost to others who were careless and malicious with my love and passion :) And so many others who gave so much to what is essentially my creation... I am overwhelmed by their dedication and commitment :)

And through it all, I had my special AW-esome group of kids :) They really are a bright spot in my life :) They are about to finish up their exams, and we haven't met up in over a month... I miss them terribly :)

They have inspired so much of who I am and what I do... even though they do drive me up the walls on occasions! Guess that's why I have a pair of bright red "Spiderman" shoes ;)

2011 has been a tough year; I was stressed out in areas I wasn't aware was stress-able! Family, career, relationships... but I choose to believe, that through it all, God is (was and always be) in complete control :) And that whatever had, is and will happen, happens exactly the way He intended it to be :)

And since I have it on good authority that my Heavenly Father loves me more than I can ever love anyone, I have every reason to believe that whatever happens next will be great beyond my imagination :)

Thus... I give myself permission to relax :) That's what my Heavenly Father wants me to do anyways :) So the rebel is on strike ;) Haha!

aw

This is getting to be a habit

And by "this", I mean ranting here in blogsphere. Nevertheless, I see little recourse, and therefore shall preamble no longer.

I recently found that I was having difficulty breathing. A quick visit to Doc#1 yielded a diagnosis that the haze had caused my sensitive sinus to flare up, resulting in excessive mucus secretion, which led to my lungs becoming a little congested. A standard battery of meds was prescribed, and I thought no more about it.

A few days later, to my disappointment, I was no better. Upon consultation with my mother, we decided that a trip to my family doc, Doc#2, was in order.

I made the trip the next day. Diagnosis was a slight flare up of my asthma, for which a strong corticol steriod was prescribed. Feeling somewhat more positive about this new set of meds, I went home and dutifully took the meds as instructed.

No better.

So two weeks after seeing Doc#2, I was having so much difficulty breathing that it actually hurt my chest and neck when I tried to inhale. Further conversation with my mum pointed to another visit to Doc#2, after which if I'm not better, to seek higher power, namely, a specialist.

Thinking about the dollars and cents, it made sense to hope that my second visit would fare better than the first.

In Doc#2's office for the second time, I was examined, and after a somewhat pensive pause, I was gently enquired if I was under stress. Always one for a witty repartee, I answered that in good old Singapore, who wasn't under stress?
Doc#2 laughed politely, then iterated that perhaps my increased stress level was causing me to experience a phenomenon known as "air hunger", where the body perceives a need for more oxygen than it does.

This is a direct result of the stress I was under; literally, I was drowning (albeit on dry land).

I was prescribed some tranquillisers, and told to get my stress under control. Muttering under my breath, I said that it's good advice; now how do I go about it? As usual, the older generation points to the promised land, but fails to deliver the map.

And so here I am: tranquilised because I'm stressed out. Thing is, thanks to my keen cognition (modesty is also tranquilised), I know exactly what's stressing me out. And yes, I can hear the people at the grandstand of my life saying I'm over-reacting, he's not worth it, I should just let go, life is too short to be angry, yadah yadah yadah...

It's not that I disagree. I agree wholeheartedly! The point is: these kind words cannot alter what I am feeling in terms of my emotions. If you are at this point wondering what I am talking about, suffice it to say that it involved another person, a business relationship, money and a severe lack of normal, human decency.

In short, I got stiffed.

And yes, that made me angry. Angry at being so stupid, I was taken advantage of (again!)... angry at how long it took for me to see this was happening... angry at having put in so much into what I thought was a good, solid relationship... angry at how blind I was.

I don't want to remain angry, but I don't know how to deal with this. It's making me sick, and I want it out of my system, but I seriously don't know how to achieve this.

So here I am: tranquilised, punching mindlessly at the keyboard, hoping that this barrage of emotional vitriol will have a cathartic effect.

At least this won't take my breath away...

aw

Disappointed

Here I am again, and the title of this post does say it all... I'm disappointed.
If "disappointed" means not having one's expectations met, I'd say I'm justified in my feeling this way. I used to think that I could function without having any expectations (save myself), but I was wrong.
I realize now that I can no more remove expectations from my mind than I can remove my heart from my body. It seems that, in a strange twist of Newtonian (I think) law of motion, that every action has an equal and opposite expectation. Perhaps all of us do things in the hope of something, and that itself may be done subconsciously.
But perhaps I'm not referring to just an action-expectation contingency, but rather one of expecting a duty of care. I find that I often have an expectation (misplaced, no doubt) of those who are older than me, to show more care and concern. Surely, to expect that of the young would be to set oneself up for disappointment in no small measure.
If a child does not care for anyone else but himself, he needs to be taught.
If a youth does not care for anyone else but himself, he needs to be instructed.
If one's contemporary does not care for anyone else but himself, he needs to be advised (sometimes, with temper!)
But what is the recourse if it is one's senior who does not care for anyone else but himself? Recent events have caused me to think of this a great deal, and I arrive at this conclusion: such people should be kept at a safe distance, and avoided if possible. For there is no reasoning with them. To change them is impossible; verbal suasion, a Herculean task. To teach or instruct them... What was that they said about old dogs?
And while I'm on this subject of self-preoccupation, it seems the the maturing of society has not translated th sam to its youth. The youths today are sickeningly self-centered, in a dangerously unconscious way. They are concerned for themselves alone: their results, their interests, their fun, their enjoyment. They see not what they are, and they know not how much they are forgoing. They live for the moment: to he'll with responsibility.
Is this to be said of our youths today? Or has it always been this way?
Regardless... I'm disappointed.
aw

Change, change, change Part II

I suddenly got it in my head that I should continue my "discourse" on change...

After my last post, I realised that I am surrounded by change, so I started thinking about what it was that made change such an unwelcome visitor to one's life. Here's what I got so far:

1. We are all creatures of habit.

Believe it or not, we like routine. There are the select few who claims that they thrive on change, and for a time, I thought I was such a person. However, a deeper reflection revealed that, while some may thrive on circumstantial change, many of the mundane things are very much routine. For example: the type of shampoo one uses, the kind of cereal one eats for breakfast, the type of clothes one wears... You get the idea.

While not conclusive, it appears to me that each of us need a certain routine in order to feel grounded, stable. Without such grounding, one can be quietly overwhelmed by latent stress, whose detection is often late (hence, the moniker "latent")' and then person already suffering some detriment.

In my roller coaster life, my routine involves sitting in my living room, and watching old episodes of "Star Trek", "Get Smart" or "Bionic Woman"... The fact that I've watched them before (many times!) seem to have a soothing effect upon my psyche, while not brining it to a complete stop, but at least to a fairly sedated state :)

2. Change = Uncertainty = Scary = Stress

Let's face it: change is scary... Because it represents uncertainty. Inasmuch as we try to look on the bright side of things, there is always the part about change that may be negative, or unfavorable. If we adhere to the axiom that "nothing in life is certain", then changes are bound to bring with it a certain amount of uncertainty, which leads to stress.

Mostly, in life, there is no sure thing. Thus the expression "Man proposes; God disposes". We can plan till we are blue in the face, but we will never be able to completely ameliorate uncertainty. Accepting that is the first step towards less stress in uncertain times.

I do, however, caution against a lackadaisical attitude, which may lead to a disastrous consequence. But I'll let that slide for now.

When dealing with uncertainty, my approach (which I readily accept as flawed) is always to deal with the situation with as much objectivity and logic, with as much input and feedback from my inner circle as possible. Often, I shelve my own feelings and emotions, which consequently get clogged up inside, and eventually, will demand its own attention.

Ok ok... So I'm a work in progress.

3. Change can be unexpected

Adding to the stresses that change can bring, sometimes, the suddenness by which the change presents itself is daunting. Often, it can be a swift call to action, that places tremendous stress upon one's mental faculties, financial resources, and emotional fortitude. Such changes often catch us on the defensive, in a state of little or no preparedness.

Personally, I dislike these kinds of changes the most.

It is bad enough to know that some changes are on the way; it is much worse when it comes out of nowhere and bites you in the ass. The pressure to make a good, informed choice that will do the most good, the least bad, that will result in a win-win for all is... quite impossible.

Times like these, I remember that I am human, born to make mistakes, and to just attune my learning antennas to assimilate whatever the situation is teaching me, knowing that everything is temporary, and that God who loves me is in control.

Well, that's about all I have for now... Shall write part III should I feel more change coming :)

aw

Change, change, change

They say that change is the only constant in life... They really know what they're talking about!

This year is definitely one that is marked with changes, of all shape, size and variety. I'll be the first to admit that I'm rather breathless (literally) from the myriad changes that is pouring into my life...

And in all aspects too.

It is already a difficult task to have change in one area of one's life, but several at a go? And all major ones at that! Frankly, I'm pretty much at the end of my tether; I'm so passed shock that I can barely move to react.

It certainly doesn't help the situations at all... If only all changes can be ( successfully) met with inaction; I'll be the most successful "changed" person ever. Alas! Such is not the case in the land of living, in the realm of the real.

I'll admit to difficulty in determining my course of action. The alternatives all seem rather untenable. Yet, I need to decide and I need to move. Of course, it would be wrong of me to say that all the situations weighing upon my shoulders are of equal consequence. Some are truly of my own doing; of those, I will surely grouse less about.

But the fact remains that all these changes do add up to stress. And despite my best attempts to alleviate my stres, I seem to meeting with little to no success. A trip to my Chinese physician confirmed my agitated state. All I hope now is that her prescriptives will do me some good. It is rather potent; I am sleeping more soundly these last two days (after months of restless sleep). The dreams however have become more vivid, and if I were to subscribe to the notion that dreams are the mind's way of purging excess/ negative emotions, then I must surely have a very sizable backlog!

I can hear the voices of my friends chanting "Too much! Too much!" of late, I have started to consider if I am in fact doing too much. But I ascribe such thoughts to my fatigued state and over-wrought mind. Let's see if a few more days of deep sleep and adequate food will change things :)

Hey! If change is a constant, then I'm making some for myself, right now!

Nitez!

aw

Laughable!

Yes, it really is! I laugh at myself... or at least, now I am :)

I'm laughing at how easily affected I am :) After 33 years (and proud of it!), I am still affected by what people say, what others do, what happens to the ones I love... and after all this time, I don't think I'm going to change :)

Ok, that's unfair (to myself)... I have changed :) I think my ability to control my emotions is (finally!) a little more improved than before, something I am very thankful to God for (what? you thought I managed it on my own? ;) )

But still, I am still very much the same person I was 5, 10 years ago :) Still a sucker for hard-luck stories, still wanting to change the world (ok, pun intended), still believing (yes, yes... the pun continues), and still have no explanation (faintz!) for it all :)

And I guess, after wearing my heart on my sleeve for 33 years, it does have scars; lines of pain that is supposed to warn me away from certain things. Yet, so many of those scars are are not just unavoidable, but they form the basis of who I am :)

And so... ya, I'm laughing :) To myself, at myself... for myself :)

aw

Stop Moving...

Yes... I need the things in my life to stop moving. It does sound very much like asking the Earth to stop spinning, but yet, it is (to me) most necessary...

To say that 2011 is a year of change would be a colossal understatement. Way way way too much has happened, both good and not so good. Regardless, both represents change. I know I sound very ungrateful when I say it like this, but this is how I feel: I am inundated by this whole miasma of shifting plates, never being able to stand still for a moment, not being able to catch my breath, not even being able to see what lies ahead...

I need to depend on God completely...

Too much is weighing upon me, all needing to be accounted for, all needing to be cared for, all needing... needing... needing... gosh! Yes, I know the human condition is all about needs... but I am human too.

I'm going to stop before I really start ranting; regardless of how I feel, this is still a public domain. I shall not allow my own demoralised spirit to spread to others (even though others have no compunction spreading theirs to everyone else).

I am not being noble when I say this; it is a matter of economy... If I fall, I'd rather fall alone.

aw

Quandary

I know by now that life isn't easy. It's not meant to be... otherwise, we all stagnate and die. Ok, that I get...

What I don't get (yet) is why protecting oneself is so hard, and sometimes feels worse than that which I am protecting myself from?

Sometimes, I feel like I have a gene that's turned off. I've read of children born with their gene for feeling hunger turned off, so unless someone reminds them to eat regularly, they will starve to death.

I seem to have the gene for sensing danger turned off. There are many names for this condition: hypersensitivity, blind, unconscious... my favourite is "stupid".

But the good thing is: once I get hit, I learn... or at least I try.

Then the next cycle of crap begins... I try my hand at self-defence. Often, it means withdrawal. Depending on the injury, the withdrawal may be partial or total, protracted or swift.

All going well... until the old heart kicks in, and I start missing people...

So here I am trying to protect myself from some people, and yet I miss them... this is probably one of the most screwed-up feeling ever...

And so my head says "Keep far away and save your ass." and my heart is doing a risk-assessment on how much hit it can take.

Moral of the story: it's fatal to have a heart...

aw

Song? Poem? Thoughts...

I don't think I've said "I love you" enough

Though I feel it in my heart, every day

I don't think I showed how much I love you

Because, for me, it's tough

But to come so close to losing you

So suddenly, so fast

I realise that life is not to be wasted on

Waiting... waiting

So let me say:

Every time I hold my head up high

And sing a note to heaven

Write a song with the words you gave me

Is so that you'll be proud of me

Every time I touch somebody's life

Through my action or my words

I'm doing it because I love you

And so you'll be proud of me

Though I may have given you

More heartache than I should

Made you cry more than I made you laugh

I don't think I've ever loved another

More than I love you

*****

I'd like to thank all my friends who supported me through these last 48 hours; it may not seem like much, but to me, it was very, very trying... Thank you all for understanding, and in your own ways, expressing your concern :)

Thank you, Jiu Jian dage... for always being so understanding towards me :) I'm very grateful to everything you have taught me, and I hope I have lived up to your expectations :)

Thank you Heavenly Father, for surrounding me with such wonderful people :)

aw

*WARNING* Frustrated Venting Ahead

And yes, I'm so totally frustrated I'm just about to burst, and what better way to do that then with a keyboard and a screen?

I guess there is only so much one can take upon one's shoulders at any one point in time... and when the going gets tough, it is when one can readily observe who around contributes to the issues, and who solves them; who are the angels with solutions on their wings, and who are the bloody idiots who leave their dead weight to drag the gasping breath from one's already weary lungs.

Surely, I have not always been the angel character, but I do try to be, more and more. The thing is: most people these days just don't give a damn. They care little about themselves, and even less about others. No sense of responsibility, no sense of urgency, no sense of friendship, no sense of accountability, no sense of situation, no sense of anything or anyone else but themselves. That's the good old selfish human nature for you... I, me, myself, and the rest of the world can go to hell.

Just some bloody help is all I ask... nothing difficult, nor tedious, nor labourious, nor excessively time-consuming, nor financially paralysing. Despite everything that I've done, and am trying to do, the help I require often gets prioritised to the pits. The bloody bottom. Every bloody thing else goes first, and I'm the idiot at the bottom.

There... therein lies the problem.

I started having expectations.

And paid for it in spades.

aw

Things, things, and more things!

And yes, after that last entry (and the foray into the mandarin language), I'm back to good ole Queen's English, with a dash of sardonic wit and raucous humour (if I permit myself a little toot on my own trumpet) ;)

Things are getting hot.

The interesting thing about "thing" is that whatever we cannot (will not?) express sufficiently, we happily label as "thing" :) "Thing" here refers to any number of... things, like the upcoming musical I'm directing "The Adventures of Wei wei and Kang kang" (which is in *gasp* mandarin!), my work in empathy, my events from exousia, my students from Distinction (and then some!), and some new developments I've got planning... things!

Gosh, it does sound a lot, does it not? Came down with a slight cold today, and it's only because of the constant dripping of my blessed nose, that I took an antihistamine, which in turn, put me out of "productivity" mode into something closer to neanderthal; I spent a pleasant evening in a semi-lucid state, folding paper boxes (which is very therapeutic; highly recommended!)

Not going to complain about that; seems like the only way to stop this freight-train-paced lifestyle is to get the wind knocked out, and while gasping for respite, actually get some :)

Still, there is work to be done, and gosh, am I enthused (as much as that's possible at 12:29AM, post antihistamine). The days ahead are certainly most exciting, and I am looking forward to savouring each of them in turn :)

The only thing I really need to do is to keep my head about me (and to catch up with my friends, read the stack of books I bought since God-knows-when, watch the stack of DVDs I bought since God-knows-when) and take a deep breath every now and again :)

The year promises to be better than good; indeed "dripping with His goodness" does seem an appropriate preamble, no? I mean, dripping! My word!

Actually, it's His word ;)

aw

First Chinese Entry

“凡事都有第一次”。这就是我第一次用华文表达。也不知道为什么，一时心血来潮。。。我也就顺着感觉。

近几个月，工事与日俱增，越做越忙。我可不是在埋怨什么，因为多工是一件好事。 可是，在另一方面，我也觉得有点透不过气。也许这是导致我在这儿乱写的原因。

可能工作上的负担影响了我个人的情绪，所以最近有些不稳定。先别着急！我不是疯了头，也没有深入消沉。。。 只是（可能）更平日比起来， 稍微的多想了一点。

想什么呢？想到的一些包括：我今年以三十三岁，从哪一个角度看，都是一事无成。我不算是完全失败，可是我一生又有什么成就？

我虽然觉得自己生活过得蛮快活，又怎么样？这么多年对音乐的付出，换回一场空。可是，我又放不了音乐。它是我的寄托，解脱。。。我的逃避。

真是矛盾。。。

王劲

The Complexities of Life

You know, sometimes, you are able to look at yourself from the outside in, almost like observing yourself in action? In a similar fashion, I am able to do that with my thoughts...

I am surprised to see how differently I am thinking these days... certainly, my thoughts now are much less chaotic than in the past (thankfully!). However, there are some things that don't change.

For example, I am still more keenly aware of darker feelings (sadness, loneliness, etc) than lighter ones. It is almost as if I like feeling sad (irony!)... and in the great contradiction of life, I often appreciate the times when I am alone, even though in my heart of hearts, I am terrified of loneliness...

Life has gotten more complex... somewhat. I remember that the bane of my existence back them days was the lighting of a match. I had this phobia (read: irrational fear) of striking a match, and as the day of my 'O' level science practical exam drew near, I was in a catch 22 situation: get past my phobia, or fail the science practical. The alternative was to pray for a practical exam question that didn't involve the lighting of the bunsen burner! Didn't like the odds of that, so...

I locked myself in my room one after, with a box of matches in my hand. It took me close to an hour before I could even pull the match against the side of the box. Another nerve-wrecking 4 minutes before I could light it. Then the second... third...

The thing is, even after all these years (of course I got past the science practical), all these years of lighting candles on birthday cakes, recently, when I tried to light a scented candle in my room, I felt a fresh wave of an old fear. It seemed that each time I tried to light the match, it was proving my having conquered that old fear. Anyway, the dang match didn't light after innumerable strikes; I settled for some room perfume ;)

As life progresses, and consequently, gets more complex, inadvertently, one tend towards regressing to what is safe and familiar. I am no exception... I find great comfort in the old things: old books, old CDs, old shows... and old songs I've written.

And speaking of songs, I shall ask God to allow me more time to return to my music :) The inner longing to express in music and lyrics is as strong as ever; the contingency is time. I truly miss the days when I could just stay at home all day, and write :)

I shall pray, and those days will come again :) Till that blessed day, I shall just blog ;)

Nitez :)

aw

Random Thoughts (after a long day!)

Hi hi :) I find myself eating dumplings while watching "After the Funeral", based on Agatha Christie's murder novel of the same name, and featuring my favourite detective, Hercule Poirot :)

This after going to work, then to rehearsal (for Jiu Jian's new children's musical "The Adventures of Wei Wei and Kang Kang) :) Top it all off, my dad's 70th birthday celebration :)

70 years... what an achievement! And I don't mean the mere arrival at that age (although that is a cause for celebration!) :) I am more referring to the amount of success my dad enjoys at 70 :) If a man's success is measured by the amount of love he engenders from his friends, his family... I feel my dad has succeeded beyond imagination :) Surely, this is the prosperity that God promised :)

It is about people, isn't it? After all that's said and done, it is about people. I often wonder to myself what everyone thinks about. It is a rather strange thought, I'll admit... but don't we all do that at some point? Would they be thinking about... their next meal, money, love, companionship, what to wear... all of the above? :) And then I wonder... how often do people think of people :)

I would like to live my life thinking about people :) Certainly, God has blessed me with many people to think about :) I have my family, my students, my business partners, and (dare I say) my fans? :)

My teen years, and indeed, my twenties, were difficult years. In the perfect vision that is retrospect, I realise that it is because I was too concerned with myself... with my pain, my hardship, my wants, my needs... my, my, my! What a mess!

True joy came when I started to think about others :) It took me out of myself, and put my energies towards others :) And imagine, it made me happy! :) Haha! What a hoot! :)

Maybe I should rename this post "It's about people", but I shall save that propitious title for a longer elaboration :)

In the meantime, remember: it's about the people :)

Shalom!

aw

Goodbye 2010; Hello 2011!! :)

And... here I am again :) Disappeared since August something 2010, and popped up in 2011 :) Pardon pardon, but the latter part of last year was just too exciting, and consequently, too busy, which is why I'm only able to blog now :)

2010 was an awesome year :) Apart from having two ticketed concerts ("No Explanation - Alex Wang Live" and "Christmas with Alex Wang") and a huge ticketed musical ("Believe"), empathy.productions also did very well :) Praise the Lord! :)

My 2011 started rather uneventfully :) I must admit that I didn't feel its arrival much; it just was :) Nothing wrong with that; wasn't expecting anything really :)

I'm really glad to have marked the first week of 2011 with the writing of songs :) Due to my hectic schedule, I didn't manage to write very much at all in 2010 (with the exception of those featured in "Believe"!) :)

Thankfully, I haven't lost my touch :) I don't take my songwriting for granted; on the contrary, I take it very seriously, and am so glad that I haven't lost it :) Whether the songs are nice or not, I'll leave it to you (if it ever gets released, that is!) :)

2011 isn't all wonderful, but then, life seldom is :) Received some news that rather caught me by surprise. Perhaps I should have (or did) see it coming; again, I'm amazed at how we are able to see/hear only what we want to...

Not going to go into the details here, but I'll admit to being somewhat upset by this. I'm not sure if it's my ego, or the suddenness of it (probably a combination of the two)...

I think that when we care for any one person, we put a little (or a lot) of our emotional well-being in their hands. And sometimes, they don't handle it very well on our behalf. Vice versa hold true, which reminds me of one of my favourite phrases: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Despite acting out of the very best of intentions, and with the very best interests, sometimes, the results are not satisfactory. In such a situation, I'll say "At least the intentions were good". Certainly, a fallible human being, fully capable of making mistakes, cannot be expected to do perfectly correct actions at all times. However, having the "best intentions" surely helps to reduce the sting a little :)

Perhaps I'm trying to comfort myself... I don't know. I hope I receive a satisfactory conclusion to this episode soon; I dislike mysterious circumstances.

Regardless, I am very thankful for making it into 2011 :) My Heavenly Father and my Lord Jesus have been very very good to me in 2010, and knowing Them, they have plenty more good things in store for me in 2011 :)

So here's to you: May your 2011 be the year where you find true joy and peace :)

Shalom!

aw