Complicated (but it shouldn't be)

Or maybe it should be. Life is known to be complicated, so why complain when it is so?

Because it's frustrating. Because it gets under my skin (yes, yes, it's from that dang song of mine). Because it sometimes makes me wonder why the hell I bother...

And what causes complications? Expectations. In the past, I'd kid myself saying "I have no expectations", which is of course a complete and utter lie. There canNOT be an absence of expectations. Everyone expects something of someone or the other. Even a non-reaction is an expectation.

You know, I realise something interesting lately... the more I live, the more I realise how powerful words are, and in recognition of that power, become increasingly afraid to use them. One of the words I've come to fear is "love"...

I don't think I dare to say it anymore, because of expectations. Think about it: can you say it without expecting something in return? Was it designed that way, to always require something in return? Or am I stuck (mentally, emotionally) in this neurosis that love (if not the emotion, then the word) needs always be returned?

But having said that, isn't it a natural human instinct to want to be loved? To be recognised? To be affirmed? To be validated? To be cherished? To be nurtured? To be treasured? Are these things too much to ask?

I sometimes think so...

At least for me, I think so... perhaps I already have too much, and to ask for more is just being greedy. I cannot dispute that I am very blessed: I have a wonderful family (my parents, brothers, sisters-in-laws, nephews, neice), enough money to get by, fully functioning mind and body... perhaps that is enough.

*Sigh* from an oddly third-person point of view, I sometimes wonder how long more will I rant away at my blog? And how long more I will be alone, and lonely?

aw