Dazed but not confused (ok, I lie)

Yet another cryptic post title... it's starting to be my style (as if that is not indicative enough of the content of this post!) ;)

Oh well, what the hell do I know? Here I am, watching "The Nanny", eating lo-mai-kai (after ingesting 1/4 of my super-happy-pill [for those in the know!]) and typing on my netbook, bemoaning the "sad" state of my life...

Ok, that's unfair... my life isn't sad. It's just... strange? Weird? Erratic? All of the above? All of the above! At the very least, my life is tiring... I'm tired. Ya, ya, ya... what's new right?

Things been moving so quickly lately, not that it's a bad thing... it isn't bad at all :) I'm glad to have these projects (that translates to business, that translates to money, that translates to less debt... yadayadayada...) I guess it's just a lot for me at this point in my life :)

So I thought I'd list down the things I have to do... I hear people doing that when they're innundated with work (it's supposed to give them some perspective!)...

Nah... on second thoughts, I should just end this ridiculously directionless post, and go to bed :) Hey, that's the best idea I've had all week :) Thank God for inspiration!

Nite all!

aw :)

Complicated (but it shouldn't be)

Or maybe it should be. Life is known to be complicated, so why complain when it is so?

Because it's frustrating. Because it gets under my skin (yes, yes, it's from that dang song of mine). Because it sometimes makes me wonder why the hell I bother...

And what causes complications? Expectations. In the past, I'd kid myself saying "I have no expectations", which is of course a complete and utter lie. There canNOT be an absence of expectations. Everyone expects something of someone or the other. Even a non-reaction is an expectation.

You know, I realise something interesting lately... the more I live, the more I realise how powerful words are, and in recognition of that power, become increasingly afraid to use them. One of the words I've come to fear is "love"...

I don't think I dare to say it anymore, because of expectations. Think about it: can you say it without expecting something in return? Was it designed that way, to always require something in return? Or am I stuck (mentally, emotionally) in this neurosis that love (if not the emotion, then the word) needs always be returned?

But having said that, isn't it a natural human instinct to want to be loved? To be recognised? To be affirmed? To be validated? To be cherished? To be nurtured? To be treasured? Are these things too much to ask?

I sometimes think so...

At least for me, I think so... perhaps I already have too much, and to ask for more is just being greedy. I cannot dispute that I am very blessed: I have a wonderful family (my parents, brothers, sisters-in-laws, nephews, neice), enough money to get by, fully functioning mind and body... perhaps that is enough.

*Sigh* from an oddly third-person point of view, I sometimes wonder how long more will I rant away at my blog? And how long more I will be alone, and lonely?

aw

Burnt Out

Hi... here I am again. And yes, I burnt out... again.

I can only recall two burn outs of any consequence in my life, but I don't quite remember when they occurred.

I do remember that it was quite terrible as I wasn't able to do anything: sleeping just made me more tired, and I was productively at a standstill. Quite hellish for productivity-crazy me!

It is a matter of time, I guess. I should have seen this coming (and yes, I did), but I just ignored many of the signs. Yes, that makes me stupid too :) Oh well, like it or not, burnt out I am... now all that's left to do is to get better.

Which is perhaps a little easier said than done. The mechanics of life doesn't stop simply because I'm burnt out. In typical life fashion, it chugs quietly and steadily, ever ahead. Life goes on...

Still, I need to find some time to rest and recover; maybe I shouldn't blog so much then! I need to re-pace myself if I am to see this production to the end. It is another two odd months to go, and still so very much more to be done.

But it will not do my team any good if I'm gloomy and moody all the time (I'm not there yet, but boy am I getting close!). They have already put up with a lot; they certainly don't need to put up with my erratic moods.

So here I am, trying to save everyone from me! Haha! Amusing idea, but true nevertheless.

More sleep... I hope it is as simple as that. I'm starting to write again, which I suppose is a good sign.

I need to get my emotions under better control; these days, the slightest thing set me off. And I don't like it... it's unfair and unhealthy.

Our roadshows are a few hours away... I know I should be so excited about it. I am, intellectually at least. But my emotions are, shall we say, spent.

Lord, if there's one person who can help me now, it's You :) Best part is: You already have :)

Thank you... I'm off to rest :)

aw

Another one!?

Indeed! 2 blog entries in as many days! What a shock! This could either mean I am exceedingly free (a quaint idea, for those who know better!) or...

Well, let's not speculate... I'm merely here to ventilate, something that I should have done earlier perhaps... regardless, this looks set to be yet another mindless post :)

I had the good opportunity of dining with my PA, Alvin tonight :) It's not often we have the luxury of dining together, and in such a propitious occasion, we found ourselves at Marche at 313@Somerset (or is it the other way around?)... anyway...

Marche holds much special meaning for me: it was there where I spent many happy moments with friends, and drowned (quite literally!) many sad moments. Anthropomorphising, Marche has been very kind to me :)

And so I find myself with Alvin at Marche, and once again, I struck by the many realities of life, more precisely, my life.

Nothing's changed.

Surely, I did not mean that literally. I meant that, in the course of 2-3 years, I am essentially the same person. The spirits did much to liberate my mind from the shackles of deceit with which I imprison myself, for no better reason than to gain momentary reprieve from a pain most assiduous.

"Assiduous"... what a beautiful word. Almost as beautiful as the pain it describes. Unremitting, unrelenting, unceasing.

But I exaggerate. It is not as bad as I present it. It merely feels so...

I often wonder if I am feeling more than others, or is what I am feeling, more than others? But what of it? I am still left with my own, on my own.

I am suddenly very tired... must be the weather (how convenient!)... besides, what's the point? My best intentions are not nearly good enough, so what's the point?

I ask, but I dare not await the answer...

aw

Another post (for lack of a better title!)

Hi all :) it's 12:27AM... about 3 hours after a 8.5 hour non-stop recording/ rehearsal day... to say that I'm beat is a colossal understatement :) Throw in a mild cold, and I'm just about done :)

Still, I wanted to pen (type?) down my thoughts before I turn in... for there have been many of late :)

I am blessed by a spectacular group of people in my production :) Surely, I refer not (only) to their talents on stage, but to their persons as well :) And that's what keeps me going in this production: the people :)

We were having supper (as we always do) after rehearsal, and we started talking about friendship. I've had (more than) my fair share of friendships that floated, sank, soared, crashed. I've been blessed, bitten, beheld and betrayed. And after all these years, I suspect I've not seen the last of all that...

We all hope to find friends who would extend themselves on our behalf, for our betterment, asking for nothing in return. This is clearly absurd because if we asked ourselves if we would do the items mentioned prior, how many of us would raise of hands in the affirmative?

I recall something I heard from someone (sorry for the vague!) that went something like "Life is a mirror; as you are, so they (the people in the world) are...

At the time, I thought it wisdom (and obviously, true). However, now, after some experience with friends (or fiends, as some proved to be!), I beg to differ.

Without exonerating myself from the usual mistakes, I have had "friends" whom I treated with great respect and trust betray me at the drop of a hat (actually, more like drop of a dime). The mirror analogy works very generally; but life is an exercise in exceptions.

Some people have "accused" me of having trust issues; after some of the things I've been through, I'm inclined to agree. My wonderful PA, Alvin, bought me this terrific hoodie T-shirt with Iron Man emblazoned across it :) While admiring it, it suddenly occurred to me that perhaps I am a little like Iron Man. No, not the repulsers and that nifty blue-glow chest piece! In the sense that I seem to be clad in armour...

Sigh... this post seems very superfluous. The cold meds are working and I'm not really thinking straight... but then again, who does? :) Haha!

aw

Perspective (or the abject lack of)

I must say that I'm finding blogging very theraputic (though I'm not sure about those reading them!)... and with that note, here I go (again!)...

Messed up... that pretty sums up what I'm feeling. Which is not new, not by a long shot. And you know what? I hate it! I hate feeling messed up. I don't know if I'm coming or going... and for a on-time, on-target person like me, it's hell.

Perhaps my friend is right; turning 32 is taking its toll on me. Yes, yes... I'm 32. And no, I don't feel it at all... until everyone else keeps reminding me. And to add injury to insult, keeps telling me to get married. So here's my answer: NO!

I've not been "lucky" in love... and with further ponderance to that thought (please excuse me; big words come with the territory), I think I'm starting to realise why. Just a few hours ago, I posted a comment on my friend's post in Facebook, exhorting him that before one can love another, one needs to love oneself...

I don't love myself.

There... I've said it.

And perhaps I have said it, in my songs, my music. Sure, externally, I seem very much together. I appear to treat myself well, you know, in the usual manner: I eat well, I dress well (I hope!) and most certainly shop well :)

But are those the barometers of how much I love myself? If so, I'm really pathetic. I don't think people really know me; rather, I think if people really knew me, they'd run away screaming. And that self-concept pretty much does me in...

Truth is... I'm not very good to myself. I over-work (deliberately, sometimes), over-analyse (helplessly), over-work, over-indulge (if you know me at all, you'll know what I'm talking about)... did I mention over-work?

And I get cranky and weird at all the wrong times, especially when I'm stressed, and I don't give myself the benefit of being stressed.

But most people don't see all that... if you do, then you're probably in my inner circle (for which I am truly grateful), but I mean... people don't see this part of me. They all expect invincible "Alex Wang", the singer, the songwriter, the witty, the amusing, the life-of-the-party, the director, the writer, the teacher, the designer, the entrepreneur... and a million other hats I wear.

What about Alex Wang - the human being?

Please don't get me wrong: I love my hats :) I love my jobs (all of them) and I am very blessed to be able to do them. I guess I'm talking about people really knowing people.

I don't claim to know everyone; I do try to... I think out some of what they do and try to piece together their personality and character. I try to give others the benefit of the doubt whenever possible...

Haiz... let's cut to the chase; it's the same old complaint: I'm lonely.

I get into such moods whenever I'm stressed out about something, but for all the things I've done over the years, this area has seen the least success. I've not become better at managing my loneliness, nor have I found anyone to alleviate it with.

For all that's said and done, what's the point of being a success if, at the end of it all, I'm lonely?

And the answer to the marriage question is still NO! For those in my inner circle, you'll know why ;) For the rest, keep guessing (or not!)

I'm always slower than everyone else. I'm slower than my brothers (whom I dearly love), my contemporaries (I try not to compare; otherwise, I'll just jump off the Singapore Flyer!)... really, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. But even idiots need love.

Yucks... it sounds so sappy when I said (typed) it! But it's true! And I do!!

So here's my wish list: I'd like someone who 1. loves me 2. intelligent (at least to keep me on my toes!) 3. can talk with me (boy, have I met some tight-lipped people!) 4. into music (though this criteria has led me to hell more times than I'd bother to count!)... and at this point, I suddenly remember something...

Criteria are not important.

Sure, we all have our ideals, but I feel that, the moment you fall in love, those criteria fly out of the window. Maybe I'm wrong; maybe I should care more about the criteria. But instinctively, I feel that love transcends all that... take it from someone who never had it (haha!).

Oh well, so here I am at 32... pretty much good everywhere else, but still writing songs about waiting for the right person to come along...

Sappy... but at 32, I'm entitled :)

aw

Expectations

Hi there :) Kindly excuse my last post of crazy rantings; I shall not remove it as it serves to remind me of the frailty of my humanity :)

Well, things have gotten slightly better... as much as that's possible :) We are still working very hard on the production, and things are moving along better :)

We did our first school show today at Chai Chee Secondary School, courtesy of my Sec 4 English teacher, Mrs. Pereira :) It was wonderful to be in a school with her again, albeit not teacher-student anymore :)

The show went all right, with a few hiccups along the way. It was good in the sense that I was able to see what the production was doing well and right, as well as those that were not :) Very good perspective to have right now, so at least I'm able to put in some corrective measures for the cast and crew :)

I'm beginning to realise that I have very high expectations of others. This is probably because I have very high expectations of myself :) Perhaps it's not very fair to those around me, or those working with me, but I believe that, without high expectations, there can be no great achievements.

The thing about it is: the leads to disappointment a lot of the times. There is nothing as painful as seeing someone with tremendous potential not realising that potential.

That is perhaps what happens on a day-to-day basis... trying to help others to realise their potential, sometimes against their very own mindsets.

I heard some words off a Carpenters song which went "The hardest thing I've ever done is to keep believing..."

Indeed :)

aw

*WARNING* Ranting and Raving Ahead

I'm so tired...

I can't even begin to describe how tired I am...

...

And it seems like everytime I get over a hill, a mountain looms up ahead... more insurmountable than ever. And yes, I know all that jazz about "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger?", "There's always a silver lining" and "There's a light at the end of the tunnel"... please excuse me, I'm venting... I can't see the damn silver lining, the damn light is moving and it certainly feels like I'm being killed...

I hate it when I'm like this... I'm horrible to everyone around me (Alvin and Yue Tong: if you guys are reading this, RUN!)... Despite my best attempts to manage my emotions, they still get oh-so-much the better of me :( Sickening that after close to 32 years, I'm still so badly managed... and I'm the one talking about self-management all the time! "Cher, take your own advice!" Touche...

If you are wondering why I'm so upset, well, let's just say that a source of support we (the Believe team) were counting on just became NOT! I'm not as much angry as I am disappointed. They (the source of support) have their own policies and agenda to which they have to adhere to, but I was so sure that Believe fitted right in :( Is this hubris? Have I let my pride become the preamble to my downfall?

I know I'm sounding very fatalistic... too bad; I'm dramatic. But still, after all the mats I've had pulled out from under me, this one takes the cake...

I feel like crying...

Ya, ya...go ahead and laugh... the hell I care...

"Care less, live longer"... oh boy, those "words of wisdom" sure do pick a terrible time to return to the present.

The thing is: I can't.

I'm constitutionally unable to not care. I'm feeling wretched precisely because I DO GIVE A DAMN!!! And it feels like I'm being shot for it (won't be the first time)... kind of makes me wonder what happened to the callouses that's supposed to grow over old wounds? Could certainly use some shielding from the shelling...

Lord (I can't believe I'm blogging to God! Though I'm sure He has an email account and internet connection!)... help me... if ever I need you (and there were many many occasions), I need you NOW!!!

aw - ful

Buzzed!!

Hi hi! Yes, I popped up again... and in the brand new 2010 :) And things are looking fantastic so far :)

It's been a very blessed 1 month and 1 week into the new year :) Everything's been going very well :)

My concert went so much better than I could've have expected!! We had our final rehearsal the Friday before the weekend, and I sang for 5 hours straight! Was almost dead from exhaustion by the end of the session, but praise the Lord that when Saturday arrived, I was all up and perky again :)

Personally, it was a triumph on several levels:

1. I've never ticketed my concerts before, and was actually quite terrified of the idea that I might foul up on the performance days! I haven't had a solo show in almost 4 years and had all those doubts about being able to last through 1.5 hours of performance, with several very energetic numbers in-between! But as history has it, it went terrifically well :) I was surprised at myself!

2. I've never thought I could vocally pull of some of the songs I've written. Ironic, isn't it? :) But true :) I never felt as if I could sound as emotional or powerful as I envisioned myself, but this time round, by His grace, I felt I came across as well as I could have imagined :) Sure, I didn't hit every note perfectly, but I was so glad that I got across to my audience :)

3. I've always thought the my audience came because they were my friends and family :) I was secretly afraid that if anyone came to watch me, they'll run out screaming! But, not only did that not happen, the opposite did! I received so many encouraging words from my friends, family and fans, I felt that all those years of croaking away in my room did not go to waste! :)

All in all, I finished my concerts with a sense of thankfulness and liberation... God has been great to me all these years, and I felt it all culminated at those 2 nights :)

Now I'm preparing to stage "Believe - The Musical", and God again has proven worthy!!!

I've been blessed by the people who joined the team, and I can only imagine it was by divine intervention :) So far, the cast and crew have been so great in the sense that they really feel the vision and passion for our staging this musical :) It's not just for the mere spectacle of it (which will most certainly be the case!!), but it is ultimately about making a difference to the live of teenagers and youths :)

It's been my heart's desire for so many years, to be able to make a positive change to those youths who are hurting or searching, and to have this great team behind me, helping me make this happen, is really a blessing :) It almost doesn't feel like working!!! :)

Well, it's a very long post, this... will continue a little later :) For now, let me enjoy this happy moment, one of many this year! Watch this space; the sensational is about to happen ;)

aw