The recent event concerning a 25 year-old man pushing a 76 year-old woman off a bus has set me thinking. And not in the way one would imagine...
I mean, yes, of course I'm duly disturbed that such a travesty of respect could happen in so public a place, in so Asian a society such as ours. However, my mind was (soon) drawn towards something the man in question said (in written form) in his own defence, which was (among other illnesses) that he suffered from OCD.
It's been years since I have heard the term "OCD", which is the abbreviation for "obsessive-compulsive disorder". It has quietly slipped my mind; I'm unsure if it was due to its lack of relevance (perceived or otherwise), or to a subconscious attempt to subvert an uncomfortable truth.
It matters not. The point of the matter is that it is (once again) salient in my mind.
Taking a look at my life at the moment, through the OCD-tinted lenses, I can (to my surprise) attribute a number of characteristics to OCD.
For example, I am constantly in a state of movement. I can't sit still to save my life! I'm always shaking my feet or playing imaginary keys on my imaginary keyboard. Sure I know there isn't a keyboard there, but the music is in my head... Geez! I'm started to sound unhinged!
Another example would be my total and complete preoccupation with something. Be it my job, my music, my students... I always seem to be completely consumed by them! I can't disconnect from them, and they "haunt" me persistently, to the point of insomnia.
I'm frequently (make that practically always) hyper; I'm more than averagely meticulous, and am fastidious to a fault. I am overly-focussed on the things I'm doing, frequently to the ignorance of the people around me.
Yes, I have been diagnosed with mild OCD (this was perhaps 15 odd years back) but was never medicated. No one seemed to think it was anything, and because they didn't, neither did I.
I guess I'm thinking about this at length is because I seem to have integrated OCD into my modus operandi; in a way, it became part of how I did and do things. I am always focussed on my tasks, I use my (if I may say so humbly) immense energy to achieving my objectives, I always think very broadly... I just never attributed these qualities to OCD.
So far, all I've mentioned are the good things. There are of course not-so-good things. For all the reasons above, I think people find me eccentric, unusual, and perhaps a tad too energetic (I have people saying that they are nervous around me, simply because I'm a ball of energy). And maybe that's why my relationships don't last for very long. Despite my ability to focus on a single task, once the task stretches on indefinitely, I seem to lose that focus. I seem to need a definite start and end to things, and that really isn't a good foundation for a relationship.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining :) I am very blessed to be where I am, with what I have :) These are just my reflections of late, regarding a part of myself that I have perhaps neglected to account for. It does seem that we learn more about ourselves each day, even if it means re-visiting the past.
aw
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Thoughts
It's been a good three months since my last post. Obviously, I'm not one to keep updated the myriad things that happened in my life; to do so would be rather time-consuming :)
And speaking of time, it seems to me that it has become so much more elusive of late than ever. Hours, days, weeks and months seem to vanish quite mysteriously, and it is not without some amazement that I realise (again!) that it is now May. Where has the first half of the year gone? A recurring question, this.
I guess my day job has a little to do with it. It brings rather new challenges, which I quite enjoy... but new challenges also come with new stress. I think I'm still adjusting to the whole notion of what I'm doing; I mean, I'm no master at adaptation... in fact, quite the opposite. Then there are all the classes I'm (still) teaching, plus a couple of private students, and add to that, my vocal class on Saturdays... that pretty much takes everything I've got. Tough.
Same old lament: where can I find time for myself? I'm rather beyond thinking that to be self-indulgent, instead, seeing it as a necessity to personal and professional well-being. My mood and emotions have certainly taken to swinging of late, and I'm a little concerned at the duration of its stay.
I've been thinking about why I'm feeling so hay-wired, and, as with all things, I feel the reasons to be many. Yes, the job(s) definitely play a part. I mean, it's not really the job, but the expectations perhaps? "Expectations lead to disappointment"... that's what they say, isn't it? I'm not entirely sure that is wrong. I think that doing a job for a while does build up some kind of expectations (towards people) and if those expectations aren't managed (I can say with some conviction that perhaps mine are not very well-managed at this point), I feel disappointed. All very human.
I guess I expect myself to be quite above this, and to be in this state, feeling these emotions, remind me I am very much on the level with everyone else. There is no exception (it seems) from being disappointed, and I think part of that disappointment is in myself, for allowing my expectations to (again) be so elevated. Some groups of people are just not meant to be expected upon. I am unsure if this is a failing. I am disinclined to think so, but perhaps it is seasonal. Still, while understanding that in the head does precious little to ameliorate that sinking feeling in the heart that informs you (in no uncertain terms) that my expectations have (once again) been misplaced.
And so I am reminded (yet again) that I am human. Ok, got it (I think). I shall promise myself, as I have promised myself often in the past, to not place expectations upon people whose shoulders are not worthy of such. I shall be callous, and take better care of myself; the others are surely taking care of themselves. Putting oneself out on a limb is injury waiting to happen. Why shouldn't I be selfish and uncaring? Caring can be dangerous! It brings more hurt and damage than it brings joy and happiness! Surely, the choice is obvious!
Yet, History has it that I did not learn from my past mishaps. Perhaps I am constitutionally adverse to better health and happiness. Perhaps I am a masochist, who derives some form of pleasure from hurting myself. Certainly, it can be fodder for writing songs! Inspiration from injury! Not the most original thought, but one could do worse.
Rant rant rant... what's the point? Talk is cheap when it comes to people. Well... emancipation at the end of the year. I've held on this long, and made it this far... what's another five more months?
aw
And speaking of time, it seems to me that it has become so much more elusive of late than ever. Hours, days, weeks and months seem to vanish quite mysteriously, and it is not without some amazement that I realise (again!) that it is now May. Where has the first half of the year gone? A recurring question, this.
I guess my day job has a little to do with it. It brings rather new challenges, which I quite enjoy... but new challenges also come with new stress. I think I'm still adjusting to the whole notion of what I'm doing; I mean, I'm no master at adaptation... in fact, quite the opposite. Then there are all the classes I'm (still) teaching, plus a couple of private students, and add to that, my vocal class on Saturdays... that pretty much takes everything I've got. Tough.
Same old lament: where can I find time for myself? I'm rather beyond thinking that to be self-indulgent, instead, seeing it as a necessity to personal and professional well-being. My mood and emotions have certainly taken to swinging of late, and I'm a little concerned at the duration of its stay.
I've been thinking about why I'm feeling so hay-wired, and, as with all things, I feel the reasons to be many. Yes, the job(s) definitely play a part. I mean, it's not really the job, but the expectations perhaps? "Expectations lead to disappointment"... that's what they say, isn't it? I'm not entirely sure that is wrong. I think that doing a job for a while does build up some kind of expectations (towards people) and if those expectations aren't managed (I can say with some conviction that perhaps mine are not very well-managed at this point), I feel disappointed. All very human.
I guess I expect myself to be quite above this, and to be in this state, feeling these emotions, remind me I am very much on the level with everyone else. There is no exception (it seems) from being disappointed, and I think part of that disappointment is in myself, for allowing my expectations to (again) be so elevated. Some groups of people are just not meant to be expected upon. I am unsure if this is a failing. I am disinclined to think so, but perhaps it is seasonal. Still, while understanding that in the head does precious little to ameliorate that sinking feeling in the heart that informs you (in no uncertain terms) that my expectations have (once again) been misplaced.
And so I am reminded (yet again) that I am human. Ok, got it (I think). I shall promise myself, as I have promised myself often in the past, to not place expectations upon people whose shoulders are not worthy of such. I shall be callous, and take better care of myself; the others are surely taking care of themselves. Putting oneself out on a limb is injury waiting to happen. Why shouldn't I be selfish and uncaring? Caring can be dangerous! It brings more hurt and damage than it brings joy and happiness! Surely, the choice is obvious!
Yet, History has it that I did not learn from my past mishaps. Perhaps I am constitutionally adverse to better health and happiness. Perhaps I am a masochist, who derives some form of pleasure from hurting myself. Certainly, it can be fodder for writing songs! Inspiration from injury! Not the most original thought, but one could do worse.
Rant rant rant... what's the point? Talk is cheap when it comes to people. Well... emancipation at the end of the year. I've held on this long, and made it this far... what's another five more months?
aw
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The New Year...
This wasn't the first post I envisioned...
I had wanted to start off with the high points of the year gone by and go on to some aspirations for the year ahead. Instead, I'm here, fighting off an infection that landed me in hospital, and writing about the new year in February.
A classic example of "Man proposes; God disposes."
The year has certainly not turned out the way I expected. I was looking forward to a year of rest (physically). As it turned out, my 2011 "year of rest" was a pipe dream, and I didn't really get a chance to catch up with myself, which I hoped to be able to do this year.
However, a job opportunity came about which was rather too good to refuse. I'm now writing new curriculum for a primary school, that will will be deployed via smartphones. All very cutting edge, and quite up my alley :)
The work is interesting, to say the least. It gives me a unique insight into the rationale behind the development of curriculum, which is particularly helpful to me as a teacher. Having to consider the material from a student's perspective really makes me think of how students learn. It is very enlightening :)
Apart from that, I'm rather cutting back on everything else. Of course, at this particular moment, I'm feeling under the weather, primarily due to the onslaught of the antibiotics on the bacteria in my body (and making me feel terrible in the process, which is irony in the extreme). Apart from sleeping, I don't feel like doing much at all... definitely not any thinking of any sort.
I feel like I kind of owe it to myself, you know, to give myself a break. And not having done that, my body went on "vacation" arbitrarily :) Perhaps, I really should take my own advice, and take better care of myself. I know I've mentioned this often, but this recent bout has rather driven home the point.
Maybe I've gotten so used to putting other people's needs ahead of my own, I've gotten used to not acknowledging them.
Oh well... time to sleep.
aw
I had wanted to start off with the high points of the year gone by and go on to some aspirations for the year ahead. Instead, I'm here, fighting off an infection that landed me in hospital, and writing about the new year in February.
A classic example of "Man proposes; God disposes."
The year has certainly not turned out the way I expected. I was looking forward to a year of rest (physically). As it turned out, my 2011 "year of rest" was a pipe dream, and I didn't really get a chance to catch up with myself, which I hoped to be able to do this year.
However, a job opportunity came about which was rather too good to refuse. I'm now writing new curriculum for a primary school, that will will be deployed via smartphones. All very cutting edge, and quite up my alley :)
The work is interesting, to say the least. It gives me a unique insight into the rationale behind the development of curriculum, which is particularly helpful to me as a teacher. Having to consider the material from a student's perspective really makes me think of how students learn. It is very enlightening :)
Apart from that, I'm rather cutting back on everything else. Of course, at this particular moment, I'm feeling under the weather, primarily due to the onslaught of the antibiotics on the bacteria in my body (and making me feel terrible in the process, which is irony in the extreme). Apart from sleeping, I don't feel like doing much at all... definitely not any thinking of any sort.
I feel like I kind of owe it to myself, you know, to give myself a break. And not having done that, my body went on "vacation" arbitrarily :) Perhaps, I really should take my own advice, and take better care of myself. I know I've mentioned this often, but this recent bout has rather driven home the point.
Maybe I've gotten so used to putting other people's needs ahead of my own, I've gotten used to not acknowledging them.
Oh well... time to sleep.
aw
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Thoughts
It is finally December, and the closing of the year 2011. It isn't without some relief that the year is ending... While it certainly had some high points, I think the not so nice ones rather eclipsed the former.
And it is in December that I have finally gotten a chance to catch my breath, and it seems much harder than before. Not the literal catching of breath, but finding the time to do so. I feel like I needed to fight off all the other commitments I have in my life just to eke out a few days to myself. Which is essentially what I have done... Because I realise that this is the first lull period I have had this year, and while it is late, I am glad for it.
I've been fighting off this lingering fatigue which has plagued me for many months, and I'm finally getting a few days of sleep-ins... The idea of not having to wake up in the morning is enough to keep me awake! Haha! :)
As part of my rest and relaxation regime, I've been catching up on all the DVDs I've bought but not watched :) and once again, I'm amazed at what can be conveyed through excellent writing, direction and portrayal :) through the medium of screen, lives are lived, wars are fought and lost, love experienced and grieved, destinys fulfilled and destroyed :)
That makes me very proud to be an artiste :) and who knows? With a little rest, I may yet have another story to tell, another song to sing... another adventure to go on :)
Join me? :)
aw
And it is in December that I have finally gotten a chance to catch my breath, and it seems much harder than before. Not the literal catching of breath, but finding the time to do so. I feel like I needed to fight off all the other commitments I have in my life just to eke out a few days to myself. Which is essentially what I have done... Because I realise that this is the first lull period I have had this year, and while it is late, I am glad for it.
I've been fighting off this lingering fatigue which has plagued me for many months, and I'm finally getting a few days of sleep-ins... The idea of not having to wake up in the morning is enough to keep me awake! Haha! :)
As part of my rest and relaxation regime, I've been catching up on all the DVDs I've bought but not watched :) and once again, I'm amazed at what can be conveyed through excellent writing, direction and portrayal :) through the medium of screen, lives are lived, wars are fought and lost, love experienced and grieved, destinys fulfilled and destroyed :)
That makes me very proud to be an artiste :) and who knows? With a little rest, I may yet have another story to tell, another song to sing... another adventure to go on :)
Join me? :)
aw
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Pause to Ponder :)
Right now, I am sitting in my room, sipping a glass of merlot, contemplating eating some chocolates (now that I can) and watching "Star Trek: Voyager" :)
As you can tell, I am certainly relaxed :)
With the stresses of recent projects over, and the successful completion of my "Absolutely! Live 2011" concert, there is just cause for ostensible relaxation :)
I've been thinking about my concert since its conclusion last night :) I can still see it in vivid detail: the stage, lights, the audience... certainly a night to remember!
In many ways, the concert is a milestone for me. On a personal level, it is a crossing of barriers: proving to myself that my idea of a terrific concert really works :) It is also a test of my physical, mental and vocal tenacity... to see if I am able to perform as I have seen myself in my mind countless times over the many years :) I am happy to report that I have done just that... not boastfully, but gratefully acknowledging how blessed I am to have gotten this far :)
Conceptually, the concert was outstanding: we started with two energetic dance routines, quickly followed by a song with a video presentation. Slower songs had beautiful light accompaniment, as well as dance :) After the intermission, the show went into a different mood: light and easy, with an acoustic number in the middle and a fashion show at the end!
All in all, quite a show :)
Although ticket sales were dismal, I have fulfilled all other objectives: I worked with great people; I've put up a great show; I pushed my limits and upped my confidence; I got through a very tough period in my life... and I enjoyed myself :)
I now sit in anticipation of the pictures and videos that will soon arrive :) Chewing on my chocolate (yes, I've yielded!), having exit my stressful period... I am taking this moment to enjoy the serenity of completion, of having the luxury of a few empty moments to keep to myself, and the wonderful opportunity of looking into the future and planning what I should do next... ;)
Keep your eyes here... who knows what I'll be doing next? ;)
aw
p/s: a quick but sincere thank you to all of you who believed in me; I am a product of your faith :)
As you can tell, I am certainly relaxed :)
With the stresses of recent projects over, and the successful completion of my "Absolutely! Live 2011" concert, there is just cause for ostensible relaxation :)
I've been thinking about my concert since its conclusion last night :) I can still see it in vivid detail: the stage, lights, the audience... certainly a night to remember!
In many ways, the concert is a milestone for me. On a personal level, it is a crossing of barriers: proving to myself that my idea of a terrific concert really works :) It is also a test of my physical, mental and vocal tenacity... to see if I am able to perform as I have seen myself in my mind countless times over the many years :) I am happy to report that I have done just that... not boastfully, but gratefully acknowledging how blessed I am to have gotten this far :)
Conceptually, the concert was outstanding: we started with two energetic dance routines, quickly followed by a song with a video presentation. Slower songs had beautiful light accompaniment, as well as dance :) After the intermission, the show went into a different mood: light and easy, with an acoustic number in the middle and a fashion show at the end!
All in all, quite a show :)
Although ticket sales were dismal, I have fulfilled all other objectives: I worked with great people; I've put up a great show; I pushed my limits and upped my confidence; I got through a very tough period in my life... and I enjoyed myself :)
I now sit in anticipation of the pictures and videos that will soon arrive :) Chewing on my chocolate (yes, I've yielded!), having exit my stressful period... I am taking this moment to enjoy the serenity of completion, of having the luxury of a few empty moments to keep to myself, and the wonderful opportunity of looking into the future and planning what I should do next... ;)
Keep your eyes here... who knows what I'll be doing next? ;)
aw
p/s: a quick but sincere thank you to all of you who believed in me; I am a product of your faith :)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
7 days... to the rest of my life
At the time of writing, I am tired (to the bones), almost hungry (strange) and mostly frustrated...
Guess there's plenty in recent days to make me tired and frustrated; hungry, I don't know... I'm usually hungry at this time. Back to tired and frustrated... as always: compound reasons.
I was just telling a friend of mine a few days back that I'm feeling very stressed out about my upcoming concert, and he astutely observed that I probably didn't have that much to do (non-concert related stuff, he meant) then (which was 2009) than I do now.
He's right.
These days, I frequently find myself inundated with work, out of breath and out of sorts. Not very good company am I these days either. Sure, I'm just as witty and amusing as ever, but it certainly "cost" more now. Truth is, I'm glad that people buy my little facade; saves me having to explain... Explanations can be tiring, and there goes the thought process behind my 3rd album.
I wish... really wish to get away from everything for a while. And think I must (and I use the word deliberately). I think I've been off balanced for too long, and I really need to take a break, catch my breath, regain my perspective, and maybe, start writing again.
Sometimes, I do wonder if it is worth it. The former "it" can (and does) refer to anything of consequence; the latter "it"... how do I put it? My money? My time? My heart? My soul?
All of the above.
aw
Guess there's plenty in recent days to make me tired and frustrated; hungry, I don't know... I'm usually hungry at this time. Back to tired and frustrated... as always: compound reasons.
I was just telling a friend of mine a few days back that I'm feeling very stressed out about my upcoming concert, and he astutely observed that I probably didn't have that much to do (non-concert related stuff, he meant) then (which was 2009) than I do now.
He's right.
These days, I frequently find myself inundated with work, out of breath and out of sorts. Not very good company am I these days either. Sure, I'm just as witty and amusing as ever, but it certainly "cost" more now. Truth is, I'm glad that people buy my little facade; saves me having to explain... Explanations can be tiring, and there goes the thought process behind my 3rd album.
I wish... really wish to get away from everything for a while. And think I must (and I use the word deliberately). I think I've been off balanced for too long, and I really need to take a break, catch my breath, regain my perspective, and maybe, start writing again.
Sometimes, I do wonder if it is worth it. The former "it" can (and does) refer to anything of consequence; the latter "it"... how do I put it? My money? My time? My heart? My soul?
All of the above.
aw
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Time of the year, or just a tough year?
I've recently got to thinking: this has been a tough year. At least by my estimation. Which is quite strange given the year I had last...
In 2010, I had a solo concert performance, a major musical and a Christmas concert performance with my students. This year, I had zero concert performances (so far), no major musical production, no other performances apart from a few hosting engagements.
Yet, I maintain: this has been a tough year.
As with all things, it is a combination of factors: my mother's illness, my having to move office twice this year alone, my falling out with my business partner... I think these are the major events that really knocked the wind out of me (and pulled the carpet from under my feet, as it were). Of course, I did my best to cope, which was naturally difficult. Apart from having to hold down my day job (which involved a fair bit of managing clients, getting designs done on time, etc), doing my other "day" job as a tutor (on average, I have about 30 students of different secondary levels, each with unique and individual challenges), while trying to feed my soul as a musician.
I think my music took the brunt of the stresses; it was the one aspect which didn't have a tangible dollar value attached to it, and thus, was the easiest to put aside. But I am beginning to think otherwise.
At this moment, while I am feeling particularly emotional, I remember that I am now the same age as my Lord and Saviour Jesus was when He gave up His spirit for us all. I wonder if there is some connection, for surely His 33rd year must been the most difficult in His life. Certainly, I do not claim that what I went through was anything even remotely close to what He went through; I am merely entertaining a hypothesis that is laughable at best.
Whatever the case, there isn't much good to come from dwelling on the past. I am currently focusing on adjusting my life to one that is better for me... I think I owe myself that.
aw
In 2010, I had a solo concert performance, a major musical and a Christmas concert performance with my students. This year, I had zero concert performances (so far), no major musical production, no other performances apart from a few hosting engagements.
Yet, I maintain: this has been a tough year.
As with all things, it is a combination of factors: my mother's illness, my having to move office twice this year alone, my falling out with my business partner... I think these are the major events that really knocked the wind out of me (and pulled the carpet from under my feet, as it were). Of course, I did my best to cope, which was naturally difficult. Apart from having to hold down my day job (which involved a fair bit of managing clients, getting designs done on time, etc), doing my other "day" job as a tutor (on average, I have about 30 students of different secondary levels, each with unique and individual challenges), while trying to feed my soul as a musician.
I think my music took the brunt of the stresses; it was the one aspect which didn't have a tangible dollar value attached to it, and thus, was the easiest to put aside. But I am beginning to think otherwise.
At this moment, while I am feeling particularly emotional, I remember that I am now the same age as my Lord and Saviour Jesus was when He gave up His spirit for us all. I wonder if there is some connection, for surely His 33rd year must been the most difficult in His life. Certainly, I do not claim that what I went through was anything even remotely close to what He went through; I am merely entertaining a hypothesis that is laughable at best.
Whatever the case, there isn't much good to come from dwelling on the past. I am currently focusing on adjusting my life to one that is better for me... I think I owe myself that.
aw
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