Quandary

I know by now that life isn't easy. It's not meant to be... otherwise, we all stagnate and die. Ok, that I get...

What I don't get (yet) is why protecting oneself is so hard, and sometimes feels worse than that which I am protecting myself from?

Sometimes, I feel like I have a gene that's turned off. I've read of children born with their gene for feeling hunger turned off, so unless someone reminds them to eat regularly, they will starve to death.

I seem to have the gene for sensing danger turned off. There are many names for this condition: hypersensitivity, blind, unconscious... my favourite is "stupid".

But the good thing is: once I get hit, I learn... or at least I try.

Then the next cycle of crap begins... I try my hand at self-defence. Often, it means withdrawal. Depending on the injury, the withdrawal may be partial or total, protracted or swift.

All going well... until the old heart kicks in, and I start missing people...

So here I am trying to protect myself from some people, and yet I miss them... this is probably one of the most screwed-up feeling ever...

And so my head says "Keep far away and save your ass." and my heart is doing a risk-assessment on how much hit it can take.

Moral of the story: it's fatal to have a heart...

aw

Song? Poem? Thoughts...

I don't think I've said "I love you" enough

Though I feel it in my heart, every day

I don't think I showed how much I love you

Because, for me, it's tough

But to come so close to losing you

So suddenly, so fast

I realise that life is not to be wasted on

Waiting... waiting

So let me say:

Every time I hold my head up high

And sing a note to heaven

Write a song with the words you gave me

Is so that you'll be proud of me

Every time I touch somebody's life

Through my action or my words

I'm doing it because I love you

And so you'll be proud of me

Though I may have given you

More heartache than I should

Made you cry more than I made you laugh

I don't think I've ever loved another

More than I love you

*****

I'd like to thank all my friends who supported me through these last 48 hours; it may not seem like much, but to me, it was very, very trying... Thank you all for understanding, and in your own ways, expressing your concern :)

Thank you, Jiu Jian dage... for always being so understanding towards me :) I'm very grateful to everything you have taught me, and I hope I have lived up to your expectations :)

Thank you Heavenly Father, for surrounding me with such wonderful people :)

aw

*WARNING* Frustrated Venting Ahead

And yes, I'm so totally frustrated I'm just about to burst, and what better way to do that then with a keyboard and a screen?

I guess there is only so much one can take upon one's shoulders at any one point in time... and when the going gets tough, it is when one can readily observe who around contributes to the issues, and who solves them; who are the angels with solutions on their wings, and who are the bloody idiots who leave their dead weight to drag the gasping breath from one's already weary lungs.

Surely, I have not always been the angel character, but I do try to be, more and more. The thing is: most people these days just don't give a damn. They care little about themselves, and even less about others. No sense of responsibility, no sense of urgency, no sense of friendship, no sense of accountability, no sense of situation, no sense of anything or anyone else but themselves. That's the good old selfish human nature for you... I, me, myself, and the rest of the world can go to hell.

Just some bloody help is all I ask... nothing difficult, nor tedious, nor labourious, nor excessively time-consuming, nor financially paralysing. Despite everything that I've done, and am trying to do, the help I require often gets prioritised to the pits. The bloody bottom. Every bloody thing else goes first, and I'm the idiot at the bottom.

There... therein lies the problem.

I started having expectations.

And paid for it in spades.

aw

Things, things, and more things!

And yes, after that last entry (and the foray into the mandarin language), I'm back to good ole Queen's English, with a dash of sardonic wit and raucous humour (if I permit myself a little toot on my own trumpet) ;)

Things are getting hot.

The interesting thing about "thing" is that whatever we cannot (will not?) express sufficiently, we happily label as "thing" :) "Thing" here refers to any number of... things, like the upcoming musical I'm directing "The Adventures of Wei wei and Kang kang" (which is in *gasp* mandarin!), my work in empathy, my events from exousia, my students from Distinction (and then some!), and some new developments I've got planning... things!

Gosh, it does sound a lot, does it not? Came down with a slight cold today, and it's only because of the constant dripping of my blessed nose, that I took an antihistamine, which in turn, put me out of "productivity" mode into something closer to neanderthal; I spent a pleasant evening in a semi-lucid state, folding paper boxes (which is very therapeutic; highly recommended!)

Not going to complain about that; seems like the only way to stop this freight-train-paced lifestyle is to get the wind knocked out, and while gasping for respite, actually get some :)

Still, there is work to be done, and gosh, am I enthused (as much as that's possible at 12:29AM, post antihistamine). The days ahead are certainly most exciting, and I am looking forward to savouring each of them in turn :)

The only thing I really need to do is to keep my head about me (and to catch up with my friends, read the stack of books I bought since God-knows-when, watch the stack of DVDs I bought since God-knows-when) and take a deep breath every now and again :)

The year promises to be better than good; indeed "dripping with His goodness" does seem an appropriate preamble, no? I mean, dripping! My word!

Actually, it's His word ;)

aw

First Chinese Entry

“凡事都有第一次”。这就是我第一次用华文表达。也不知道为什么，一时心血来潮。。。我也就顺着感觉。

近几个月，工事与日俱增，越做越忙。我可不是在埋怨什么，因为多工是一件好事。 可是，在另一方面，我也觉得有点透不过气。也许这是导致我在这儿乱写的原因。

可能工作上的负担影响了我个人的情绪，所以最近有些不稳定。先别着急！我不是疯了头，也没有深入消沉。。。 只是（可能）更平日比起来， 稍微的多想了一点。

想什么呢？想到的一些包括：我今年以三十三岁，从哪一个角度看，都是一事无成。我不算是完全失败，可是我一生又有什么成就？

我虽然觉得自己生活过得蛮快活，又怎么样？这么多年对音乐的付出，换回一场空。可是，我又放不了音乐。它是我的寄托，解脱。。。我的逃避。

真是矛盾。。。

王劲

The Complexities of Life

You know, sometimes, you are able to look at yourself from the outside in, almost like observing yourself in action? In a similar fashion, I am able to do that with my thoughts...

I am surprised to see how differently I am thinking these days... certainly, my thoughts now are much less chaotic than in the past (thankfully!). However, there are some things that don't change.

For example, I am still more keenly aware of darker feelings (sadness, loneliness, etc) than lighter ones. It is almost as if I like feeling sad (irony!)... and in the great contradiction of life, I often appreciate the times when I am alone, even though in my heart of hearts, I am terrified of loneliness...

Life has gotten more complex... somewhat. I remember that the bane of my existence back them days was the lighting of a match. I had this phobia (read: irrational fear) of striking a match, and as the day of my 'O' level science practical exam drew near, I was in a catch 22 situation: get past my phobia, or fail the science practical. The alternative was to pray for a practical exam question that didn't involve the lighting of the bunsen burner! Didn't like the odds of that, so...

I locked myself in my room one after, with a box of matches in my hand. It took me close to an hour before I could even pull the match against the side of the box. Another nerve-wrecking 4 minutes before I could light it. Then the second... third...

The thing is, even after all these years (of course I got past the science practical), all these years of lighting candles on birthday cakes, recently, when I tried to light a scented candle in my room, I felt a fresh wave of an old fear. It seemed that each time I tried to light the match, it was proving my having conquered that old fear. Anyway, the dang match didn't light after innumerable strikes; I settled for some room perfume ;)

As life progresses, and consequently, gets more complex, inadvertently, one tend towards regressing to what is safe and familiar. I am no exception... I find great comfort in the old things: old books, old CDs, old shows... and old songs I've written.

And speaking of songs, I shall ask God to allow me more time to return to my music :) The inner longing to express in music and lyrics is as strong as ever; the contingency is time. I truly miss the days when I could just stay at home all day, and write :)

I shall pray, and those days will come again :) Till that blessed day, I shall just blog ;)

Nitez :)

aw

Random Thoughts (after a long day!)

Hi hi :) I find myself eating dumplings while watching "After the Funeral", based on Agatha Christie's murder novel of the same name, and featuring my favourite detective, Hercule Poirot :)

This after going to work, then to rehearsal (for Jiu Jian's new children's musical "The Adventures of Wei Wei and Kang Kang) :) Top it all off, my dad's 70th birthday celebration :)

70 years... what an achievement! And I don't mean the mere arrival at that age (although that is a cause for celebration!) :) I am more referring to the amount of success my dad enjoys at 70 :) If a man's success is measured by the amount of love he engenders from his friends, his family... I feel my dad has succeeded beyond imagination :) Surely, this is the prosperity that God promised :)

It is about people, isn't it? After all that's said and done, it is about people. I often wonder to myself what everyone thinks about. It is a rather strange thought, I'll admit... but don't we all do that at some point? Would they be thinking about... their next meal, money, love, companionship, what to wear... all of the above? :) And then I wonder... how often do people think of people :)

I would like to live my life thinking about people :) Certainly, God has blessed me with many people to think about :) I have my family, my students, my business partners, and (dare I say) my fans? :)

My teen years, and indeed, my twenties, were difficult years. In the perfect vision that is retrospect, I realise that it is because I was too concerned with myself... with my pain, my hardship, my wants, my needs... my, my, my! What a mess!

True joy came when I started to think about others :) It took me out of myself, and put my energies towards others :) And imagine, it made me happy! :) Haha! What a hoot! :)

Maybe I should rename this post "It's about people", but I shall save that propitious title for a longer elaboration :)

In the meantime, remember: it's about the people :)

Shalom!

aw