It's been a good three months since my last post. Obviously, I'm not one to keep updated the myriad things that happened in my life; to do so would be rather time-consuming :)
And speaking of time, it seems to me that it has become so much more elusive of late than ever. Hours, days, weeks and months seem to vanish quite mysteriously, and it is not without some amazement that I realise (again!) that it is now May. Where has the first half of the year gone? A recurring question, this.
I guess my day job has a little to do with it. It brings rather new challenges, which I quite enjoy... but new challenges also come with new stress. I think I'm still adjusting to the whole notion of what I'm doing; I mean, I'm no master at adaptation... in fact, quite the opposite.
Then there are all the classes I'm (still) teaching, plus a couple of private students, and add to that, my vocal class on Saturdays... that pretty much takes everything I've got. Tough.
Same old lament: where can I find time for myself? I'm rather beyond thinking that to be self-indulgent, instead, seeing it as a necessity to personal and professional well-being. My mood and emotions have certainly taken to swinging of late, and I'm a little concerned at the duration of its stay.
I've been thinking about why I'm feeling so hay-wired, and, as with all things, I feel the reasons to be many.
Yes, the job(s) definitely play a part. I mean, it's not really the job, but the expectations perhaps? "Expectations lead to disappointment"... that's what they say, isn't it? I'm not entirely sure that is wrong. I think that doing a job for a while does build up some kind of expectations (towards people) and if those expectations aren't managed (I can say with some conviction that perhaps mine are not very well-managed at this point), I feel disappointed. All very human.
I guess I expect myself to be quite above this, and to be in this state, feeling these emotions, remind me I am very much on the level with everyone else. There is no exception (it seems) from being disappointed, and I think part of that disappointment is in myself, for allowing my expectations to (again) be so elevated.
Some groups of people are just not meant to be expected upon. I am unsure if this is a failing. I am disinclined to think so, but perhaps it is seasonal. Still, while understanding that in the head does precious little to ameliorate that sinking feeling in the heart that informs you (in no uncertain terms) that my expectations have (once again) been misplaced.
And so I am reminded (yet again) that I am human. Ok, got it (I think). I shall promise myself, as I have promised myself often in the past, to not place expectations upon people whose shoulders are not worthy of such. I shall be callous, and take better care of myself; the others are surely taking care of themselves. Putting oneself out on a limb is injury waiting to happen. Why shouldn't I be selfish and uncaring? Caring can be dangerous! It brings more hurt and damage than it brings joy and happiness! Surely, the choice is obvious!
Yet, History has it that I did not learn from my past mishaps. Perhaps I am constitutionally adverse to better health and happiness. Perhaps I am a masochist, who derives some form of pleasure from hurting myself. Certainly, it can be fodder for writing songs! Inspiration from injury! Not the most original thought, but one could do worse.
Rant rant rant... what's the point? Talk is cheap when it comes to people. Well... emancipation at the end of the year. I've held on this long, and made it this far... what's another five more months?
aw
