Time of the year, or just a tough year?

I've recently got to thinking: this has been a tough year. At least by my estimation. Which is quite strange given the year I had last...
In 2010, I had a solo concert performance, a major musical and a Christmas concert performance with my students. This year, I had zero concert performances (so far), no major musical production, no other performances apart from a few hosting engagements.
Yet, I maintain: this has been a tough year.
As with all things, it is a combination of factors: my mother's illness, my having to move office twice this year alone, my falling out with my business partner... I think these are the major events that really knocked the wind out of me (and pulled the carpet from under my feet, as it were). Of course, I did my best to cope, which was naturally difficult. Apart from having to hold down my day job (which involved a fair bit of managing clients, getting designs done on time, etc), doing my other "day" job as a tutor (on average, I have about 30 students of different secondary levels, each with unique and individual challenges), while trying to feed my soul as a musician.
I think my music took the brunt of the stresses; it was the one aspect which didn't have a tangible dollar value attached to it, and thus, was the easiest to put aside. But I am beginning to think otherwise.
At this moment, while I am feeling particularly emotional, I remember that I am now the same age as my Lord and Saviour Jesus was when He gave up His spirit for us all. I wonder if there is some connection, for surely His 33rd year must been the most difficult in His life. Certainly, I do not claim that what I went through was anything even remotely close to what He went through; I am merely entertaining a hypothesis that is laughable at best.
Whatever the case, there isn't much good to come from dwelling on the past. I am currently focusing on adjusting my life to one that is better for me... I think I owe myself that.
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Breaking form :)

Guess I've ranted enough in my last post, so I shall endeavour to do something else now: writing because I feel like it ;)

On the topic of writing, I find that I really do enjoy the process of putting words into forms such as poetry, stories, songs... whatever fits :) It is as if I have a singular voice, one that does not need to explain (No Explanation), that people understand (Someday), that can be sincere and true (Veritas)... haha! ;)

On the journey towards relaxation (as my less laboured breathing and ache-less chest can testify), I come to a realisation that perhaps would be obvious to many: I am very much an artistic soul.

I say that, not braggadociously, but merely as a statement of fact, or more correctly, of revelation :) I have not previously realise how much I needed my art, writing and composing in particular. Not having done that for the past year seemed to have caused a variety of unusual symptoms, such as lack of drive and motivation, loss of focus, general emotional constipation (no joke!)... I feel as if I'm holding something in, and it's stopping up the plumbing :(

So, in typical proactive fashion, I have going to re-prioritise :) Of course I understand I need to address the bread and butter issue, but I need to order my time better... I need to allocate time to MYSELF :)

Some would think this selfish; I think is imperative :) To me, it is imperative :) It's not that I love everything else less... it is just, perhaps, time to love myself more :)
That has always been the issue (I'm sure many would agree) :)

My new album is entitled "Walk Away"... and as I prepare to share it with the world, I am struck by how much it reflects my state in this time frame :) I need to walk away from those who hurt me; I need to walk away from things that do not edify me; I need to walk away from activities that only feed my body and not my soul :)

And while I'm on the topic of my new album, I can't help but talk about it some :)
It is, in so many ways, a breakthrough for me :) In creating this album, I had to overcome my age-old fear of trusting people :) God sent me a wonderful arranger, Julian Wong, who restored some of the trust I lost to others who were careless and malicious with my love and passion :) And so many others who gave so much to what is essentially my creation... I am overwhelmed by their dedication and commitment :)

And through it all, I had my special AW-esome group of kids :) They really are a bright spot in my life :) They are about to finish up their exams, and we haven't met up in over a month... I miss them terribly :)

They have inspired so much of who I am and what I do... even though they do drive me up the walls on occasions! Guess that's why I have a pair of bright red "Spiderman" shoes ;)

2011 has been a tough year; I was stressed out in areas I wasn't aware was stress-able! Family, career, relationships... but I choose to believe, that through it all, God is (was and always be) in complete control :) And that whatever had, is and will happen, happens exactly the way He intended it to be :)

And since I have it on good authority that my Heavenly Father loves me more than I can ever love anyone, I have every reason to believe that whatever happens next will be great beyond my imagination :)

Thus... I give myself permission to relax :) That's what my Heavenly Father wants me to do anyways :) So the rebel is on strike ;) Haha!

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This is getting to be a habit

And by "this", I mean ranting here in blogsphere. Nevertheless, I see little recourse, and therefore shall preamble no longer.

I recently found that I was having difficulty breathing. A quick visit to Doc#1 yielded a diagnosis that the haze had caused my sensitive sinus to flare up, resulting in excessive mucus secretion, which led to my lungs becoming a little congested. A standard battery of meds was prescribed, and I thought no more about it.

A few days later, to my disappointment, I was no better. Upon consultation with my mother, we decided that a trip to my family doc, Doc#2, was in order.

I made the trip the next day. Diagnosis was a slight flare up of my asthma, for which a strong corticol steriod was prescribed. Feeling somewhat more positive about this new set of meds, I went home and dutifully took the meds as instructed.

No better.

So two weeks after seeing Doc#2, I was having so much difficulty breathing that it actually hurt my chest and neck when I tried to inhale. Further conversation with my mum pointed to another visit to Doc#2, after which if I'm not better, to seek higher power, namely, a specialist.

Thinking about the dollars and cents, it made sense to hope that my second visit would fare better than the first.

In Doc#2's office for the second time, I was examined, and after a somewhat pensive pause, I was gently enquired if I was under stress. Always one for a witty repartee, I answered that in good old Singapore, who wasn't under stress?
Doc#2 laughed politely, then iterated that perhaps my increased stress level was causing me to experience a phenomenon known as "air hunger", where the body perceives a need for more oxygen than it does.

This is a direct result of the stress I was under; literally, I was drowning (albeit on dry land).

I was prescribed some tranquillisers, and told to get my stress under control. Muttering under my breath, I said that it's good advice; now how do I go about it? As usual, the older generation points to the promised land, but fails to deliver the map.

And so here I am: tranquilised because I'm stressed out. Thing is, thanks to my keen cognition (modesty is also tranquilised), I know exactly what's stressing me out. And yes, I can hear the people at the grandstand of my life saying I'm over-reacting, he's not worth it, I should just let go, life is too short to be angry, yadah yadah yadah...

It's not that I disagree. I agree wholeheartedly! The point is: these kind words cannot alter what I am feeling in terms of my emotions. If you are at this point wondering what I am talking about, suffice it to say that it involved another person, a business relationship, money and a severe lack of normal, human decency.

In short, I got stiffed.

And yes, that made me angry. Angry at being so stupid, I was taken advantage of (again!)... angry at how long it took for me to see this was happening... angry at having put in so much into what I thought was a good, solid relationship... angry at how blind I was.

I don't want to remain angry, but I don't know how to deal with this. It's making me sick, and I want it out of my system, but I seriously don't know how to achieve this.

So here I am: tranquilised, punching mindlessly at the keyboard, hoping that this barrage of emotional vitriol will have a cathartic effect.

At least this won't take my breath away...

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