Quandary

I know by now that life isn't easy. It's not meant to be... otherwise, we all stagnate and die. Ok, that I get...

What I don't get (yet) is why protecting oneself is so hard, and sometimes feels worse than that which I am protecting myself from?

Sometimes, I feel like I have a gene that's turned off. I've read of children born with their gene for feeling hunger turned off, so unless someone reminds them to eat regularly, they will starve to death.

I seem to have the gene for sensing danger turned off. There are many names for this condition: hypersensitivity, blind, unconscious... my favourite is "stupid".

But the good thing is: once I get hit, I learn... or at least I try.

Then the next cycle of crap begins... I try my hand at self-defence. Often, it means withdrawal. Depending on the injury, the withdrawal may be partial or total, protracted or swift.

All going well... until the old heart kicks in, and I start missing people...

So here I am trying to protect myself from some people, and yet I miss them... this is probably one of the most screwed-up feeling ever...

And so my head says "Keep far away and save your ass." and my heart is doing a risk-assessment on how much hit it can take.

Moral of the story: it's fatal to have a heart...

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Song? Poem? Thoughts...

I don't think I've said "I love you" enough

Though I feel it in my heart, every day

I don't think I showed how much I love you

Because, for me, it's tough

But to come so close to losing you

So suddenly, so fast

I realise that life is not to be wasted on

Waiting... waiting

So let me say:

Every time I hold my head up high

And sing a note to heaven

Write a song with the words you gave me

Is so that you'll be proud of me

Every time I touch somebody's life

Through my action or my words

I'm doing it because I love you

And so you'll be proud of me

Though I may have given you

More heartache than I should

Made you cry more than I made you laugh

I don't think I've ever loved another

More than I love you

*****

I'd like to thank all my friends who supported me through these last 48 hours; it may not seem like much, but to me, it was very, very trying... Thank you all for understanding, and in your own ways, expressing your concern :)

Thank you, Jiu Jian dage... for always being so understanding towards me :) I'm very grateful to everything you have taught me, and I hope I have lived up to your expectations :)

Thank you Heavenly Father, for surrounding me with such wonderful people :)

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*WARNING* Frustrated Venting Ahead

And yes, I'm so totally frustrated I'm just about to burst, and what better way to do that then with a keyboard and a screen?

I guess there is only so much one can take upon one's shoulders at any one point in time... and when the going gets tough, it is when one can readily observe who around contributes to the issues, and who solves them; who are the angels with solutions on their wings, and who are the bloody idiots who leave their dead weight to drag the gasping breath from one's already weary lungs.

Surely, I have not always been the angel character, but I do try to be, more and more. The thing is: most people these days just don't give a damn. They care little about themselves, and even less about others. No sense of responsibility, no sense of urgency, no sense of friendship, no sense of accountability, no sense of situation, no sense of anything or anyone else but themselves. That's the good old selfish human nature for you... I, me, myself, and the rest of the world can go to hell.

Just some bloody help is all I ask... nothing difficult, nor tedious, nor labourious, nor excessively time-consuming, nor financially paralysing. Despite everything that I've done, and am trying to do, the help I require often gets prioritised to the pits. The bloody bottom. Every bloody thing else goes first, and I'm the idiot at the bottom.

There... therein lies the problem.

I started having expectations.

And paid for it in spades.

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